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Grey Thoughts

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Grey Thoughts

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VQ Blog

Who am I? The answer to that question changes with the seasons. Can that ever be concretely defined? I'm not exactly sure, but I can tell you what I'm like. I'm real, I'm raw, and I'm vivid. I hope you're not timid.

Let us get up close and personal real quick...

- VQ

Grey Thoughts

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Featured
November 2, 2018
Longing
November 2, 2018

123/365

My lover's scent is rain

Dew drops on a petal

Sweetness of a sugar cane

Flowers in a meadow

 

My lover's touch is the wind

Gentle and warm in embrace

Thoughts full of sex and sin

Ecstasy on his face

 

My lover's body is earth

To him, my nourishment, I entrust

For him I have such a thirst

To sow the seeds of lust 

 

My lover's lips are fire

Melting my flesh with lulling heat

Igniting the flames of desire

Making my temperature peak

 

My lover's eyes are voclanoes

Erupting with passion and urge

Hungry, craving souls

Longing to merge

Read more →
November 2, 2018
November 1, 2018
Lost
November 1, 2018

122/365

Traveling through the density

Lost in the perplexity of the unknown

Fears overgrown like the thicket 

Courage the ticket to freedom

The path less traveled beaten 

Feet misleading me astray 

Blindly wishing I will find my way 

Read more →
November 1, 2018
October 31, 2018
Even In Death
October 31, 2018

 

121/365

Happy Halloween guys and ghouls…
-VQ

-------------------------------------

She sobs pitifully; pathetically, strolling unintentionally to where the deceased make their beds and slumber in deafening silence. Eternally confined to the abyss of darkness. Never to taste bliss, happiness, the thrills and frills of life again. The ridiculous and shameful end to many of men who risked their lives to barely live. Where crows pose on wooden poles raised high above the rows. Where corpses, uninhabited, lie stiffly morbid under the placid earth. Where from birth all are cursed to feel hurt.

She stumbles past the stones that mark the lair of bones, thrones of the unknown left forgotten and alone. No mercy to be shown for this poor girl’s moan is heard from afar. Her scars burn, and the agony intensifies. Her worst fears becoming a reality check in which she cannot escape this ill-fated, anticipated, exaggerated wreck. Sorrowful memories rush back…

Read more →
October 31, 2018
October 30, 2018
Evil Eye Chapter 3
October 30, 2018

120/365

Chapter 3: The Unknown

The darkness is so deep it’s suffocating. I find that the more I concentrate on seeing, the more I hyperventilate trying to catch my breath in the frosty air. Sure, heat rises and we’re pretty far underground but the change in temperature is so drastic that my body doesn’t know how to adjust. Up ahead, my brother’s asthma gets the best of him. He doubles over hacking up his lungs the wheezing echoing in the passageway. I bump into his crouched body, the speed of my haste sending me toppling over his back. I face plant onto the solid ground, teeth cracking against the rock. Stars light up my vision.

“Why would you stop like that?” I bark impatiently through bloody lips.

“I’m CLEARLY dying over here, no one told you to keep walking dummy.” He retorts.

“Well I can’t see, so stopping in the middle of the damn…” I lose my train of thought trying to find a word for whatever this place is. His coughing subsides but the wheezing doesn’t. I’m reminded of more pressing matters than a busted lip. I rein in my angst, “Sorry man. I’m freaking out right now. It’s pitch-black, freezing, and mommy just sent us down here after doing some type of voodoo while being chased by an army of I don’t know who’s for I don’t know what!” Tears well up in my eyes. Putting a cap on my anxiety is becoming impossible work…

Read more →
October 30, 2018
October 29, 2018
Protection Prayer
October 29, 2018

118/365

Now I lay me down to sleep 

I pray to Lord my soul’s not weak 

Guide me so Im not steered wrong 

Protect my heart to keep me strong 

Warn me when the love is fake

To cut the ties when I awake 

So I don’t make the same mistakes 

I pray to God expose these snakes 

Read more →
October 29, 2018
October 28, 2018
Evil Eye Chapter 2
October 28, 2018

118/365           

Chapter 2: Narrow Escape 

    Survival instincts kick into overdrive, my feet carrying me faster than they’ve ever moved before. We’re up the three flights of stairs in seconds with me taking up the rear. I reach our apartment and hurl myself through, slamming the door shut with a forceful bang. Mom springs into action without losing another moment. Facing our apartment door, she closes her eyes and mumbles the beginnings of an eerie chant. The colors in the room swirl and throb to the rhythm of her incantation which steadily picks up in pace. Her arms are at her side palms up. With each rise in tempo they are lifted into the air until she is holding them up over head with the heels of her hands touching, fingers cupped around a glowing orb of energy. The ball of light grows bigger until it bursts with a sharp shrill splattering iridescent shimmers onto the walls around us.

                The silvery splats drip down like melting metal filling in the once invisible lines etched into the sheet rock. Foreign symbols line the walls shining brightly and then dimming out. “Dammit!” Mom curses. “It’s not working!”

                My brother and I turn to one another in absolute shock and awe. The whole spectacle…

Read more →
October 28, 2018
October 27, 2018
New Composition
October 27, 2018

117/365

New composition 

I'll be back when you listen

Slight intermission  

-VQ

Read more →
October 27, 2018
Show All Posts by VQ

Featured
November 2, 2018
Longing
November 2, 2018

123/365

My lover's scent is rain

Dew drops on a petal

Sweetness of a sugar cane

Flowers in a meadow

 

My lover's touch is the wind

Gentle and warm in embrace

Thoughts full of sex and sin

Ecstasy on his face

 

My lover's body is earth

To him, my nourishment, I entrust

For him I have such a thirst

To sow the seeds of lust 

 

My lover's lips are fire

Melting my flesh with lulling heat

Igniting the flames of desire

Making my temperature peak

 

My lover's eyes are voclanoes

Erupting with passion and urge

Hungry, craving souls

Longing to merge

Read more →
November 2, 2018
November 1, 2018
Lost
November 1, 2018

122/365

Traveling through the density

Lost in the perplexity of the unknown

Fears overgrown like the thicket 

Courage the ticket to freedom

The path less traveled beaten 

Feet misleading me astray 

Blindly wishing I will find my way 

Read more →
November 1, 2018
October 31, 2018
Even In Death
October 31, 2018

 

121/365

Happy Halloween guys and ghouls…
-VQ

-------------------------------------

She sobs pitifully; pathetically, strolling unintentionally to where the deceased make their beds and slumber in deafening silence. Eternally confined to the abyss of darkness. Never to taste bliss, happiness, the thrills and frills of life again. The ridiculous and shameful end to many of men who risked their lives to barely live. Where crows pose on wooden poles raised high above the rows. Where corpses, uninhabited, lie stiffly morbid under the placid earth. Where from birth all are cursed to feel hurt.

She stumbles past the stones that mark the lair of bones, thrones of the unknown left forgotten and alone. No mercy to be shown for this poor girl’s moan is heard from afar. Her scars burn, and the agony intensifies. Her worst fears becoming a reality check in which she cannot escape this ill-fated, anticipated, exaggerated wreck. Sorrowful memories rush back…

Read more →
October 31, 2018
October 30, 2018
Evil Eye Chapter 3
October 30, 2018

120/365

Chapter 3: The Unknown

The darkness is so deep it’s suffocating. I find that the more I concentrate on seeing, the more I hyperventilate trying to catch my breath in the frosty air. Sure, heat rises and we’re pretty far underground but the change in temperature is so drastic that my body doesn’t know how to adjust. Up ahead, my brother’s asthma gets the best of him. He doubles over hacking up his lungs the wheezing echoing in the passageway. I bump into his crouched body, the speed of my haste sending me toppling over his back. I face plant onto the solid ground, teeth cracking against the rock. Stars light up my vision.

“Why would you stop like that?” I bark impatiently through bloody lips.

“I’m CLEARLY dying over here, no one told you to keep walking dummy.” He retorts.

“Well I can’t see, so stopping in the middle of the damn…” I lose my train of thought trying to find a word for whatever this place is. His coughing subsides but the wheezing doesn’t. I’m reminded of more pressing matters than a busted lip. I rein in my angst, “Sorry man. I’m freaking out right now. It’s pitch-black, freezing, and mommy just sent us down here after doing some type of voodoo while being chased by an army of I don’t know who’s for I don’t know what!” Tears well up in my eyes. Putting a cap on my anxiety is becoming impossible work…

Read more →
October 30, 2018
October 29, 2018
Protection Prayer
October 29, 2018

118/365

Now I lay me down to sleep 

I pray to Lord my soul’s not weak 

Guide me so Im not steered wrong 

Protect my heart to keep me strong 

Warn me when the love is fake

To cut the ties when I awake 

So I don’t make the same mistakes 

I pray to God expose these snakes 

Read more →
October 29, 2018
October 28, 2018
Evil Eye Chapter 2
October 28, 2018

118/365           

Chapter 2: Narrow Escape 

    Survival instincts kick into overdrive, my feet carrying me faster than they’ve ever moved before. We’re up the three flights of stairs in seconds with me taking up the rear. I reach our apartment and hurl myself through, slamming the door shut with a forceful bang. Mom springs into action without losing another moment. Facing our apartment door, she closes her eyes and mumbles the beginnings of an eerie chant. The colors in the room swirl and throb to the rhythm of her incantation which steadily picks up in pace. Her arms are at her side palms up. With each rise in tempo they are lifted into the air until she is holding them up over head with the heels of her hands touching, fingers cupped around a glowing orb of energy. The ball of light grows bigger until it bursts with a sharp shrill splattering iridescent shimmers onto the walls around us.

                The silvery splats drip down like melting metal filling in the once invisible lines etched into the sheet rock. Foreign symbols line the walls shining brightly and then dimming out. “Dammit!” Mom curses. “It’s not working!”

                My brother and I turn to one another in absolute shock and awe. The whole spectacle…

Read more →
October 28, 2018
October 27, 2018
New Composition
October 27, 2018

117/365

New composition 

I'll be back when you listen

Slight intermission  

-VQ

Read more →
October 27, 2018
October 26, 2018
Evil Eye Chapter 1
October 26, 2018

116/365

To be continued...

-VQ

--------------------------

Chapter 1: Rude Awakening

A great rumbling is felt beneath our feet as the building shakes violently from its foundation. It sways to the left at a sharp angle knocking books off their shelves and sending us toppling over grabbing onto fixtures trying to regain our balance.  A look of sheer panic is sprawled across my brother’s face which matches the terror in my racing heart. We exchange frightened glances and run into our mother’s room to wake her.

“Ma! Maaa!” I yank at her bedsheets desperate to get her up in time, “Maa wake up! Look!”

Groggy, she yawns and rises taking a peak out of the bedroom window in the direction that I am frantically pointing at. The trees and landscape outside are rushing past as if we were glancing out of a speeding car. The building seems to be sliding down hill at a steady pace. My heart is in my throat now, yet my mother looks on unbothered.

“Yeah, this is asinine,” she comments nonchalantly before stretching and rolling out of bed slipping on her house shoes. She twirls a finger in the air without a care and trudges off to the bathroom to brush her teeth. “It’ll stop”.

We stare at her mouths dropping and eyes wide with confusion. Without realizing when it happened, the building comes to an abrupt stop some feet away from its original location. The elementary school that was directly across the street now positioned far left.

“What the hell?” My brother asks out loud baffled. He’s on her heels in a heartbeat. “What are you doing?! We gotta go!”

I hear her chuckle sheepishly. “We don’t have to go anywhere. Now move,” she pushes him playfully out…

Read more →
October 26, 2018
October 25, 2018
Unbreakable
October 25, 2018

 115/365

When you tried to bury me six feet under hoping I was dead, but sparked my rebirth instead…
-VQ

---------------------------------------

Everything we had was a lie.

Every moment we shared tainted by hidden truths.

Every happy memory glazed over by bad intentions.

Every affectionate kiss amiss, false promises of bliss.

You took my hand, not to hold me close but, to lead me into darkness.

You embraced me, not share your warmth but, to keep yourself warm.

You stood over me, not to protect me but, to mark your property.

Your purpose was never admiration it was domination.

Your goal to tear me down to build yourself up.

Your persistence against my resistance was not a sign of interest.

It was simply to conquer me, to tear my walls down.

It was to suppress someone you felt was powerful.

It was to absorb all my strength to leave me weak.

Little did you know I would recover from the pain with so much to gain.

Little did you know I would find a greater love in God and myself.

Little did you know I would heal from all the hurt that was dealt.

Yes, everything we had was a lie

But now I know why.

And now I…

Am unbreakable.

 

Read more →
October 25, 2018
October 24, 2018
Work To Win
October 24, 2018

114/365

It takes real work to get what you want out of life. Dreams are achieved by getting in the game and getting dirty, not by sitting on the sidelines wishing for a chance…
-VQ

-----------------------------------

More pride than you have things to be proud of? Go figure! I’m going to need you to take a seat and reconfigure that mindset. Go back and quick check your sensibilities to determine where you lost your senses. As it’s nonsensical to hang onto pretenses of being “too good” for something when you have so little to show in support of your arrogance. Or is that the real issue here? That you have so much to fear so you hide behind pride asking the lord ‘why’ when the faulty mechanism is in your own thought process? How can so many things be beneath you when you are already at the bottom refusing to see your position and unwilling to do anything to fix it? Do you enjoy the solitude of your ingratitude? Your inability to move forward because you’re too fixated on the easy way out that you fail to make any progress at all. Understandably afraid to fall, yet irrationally stagnant. Making no moves to make a difference a victim of your bad habits. Stalemate on your fate. Obstacles making you irate, but you sit and wait for them to move themselves instead of getting up and pushing. You cry out that life is hard, cold, cruel and unfair while never giving yourself a fair chance to fare well. Leaving everything to circumstance rather than taking the reins and attaining success.  Life isn’t about winning the race on the first go. If that were so, there’d be no journey left. People just sitting on the finish line withering away having done their best. So, what’s next? If only you would listen there would be some recognition that ambition is the mission, now find out why its missing. Run after it full force and change the course of your internal discourse. Reach deep down within to admit your inadequacies alter the inaccuracies and WIN.

Read more →
October 24, 2018
October 23, 2018
Regret
October 23, 2018

123/365

Regret is futile. It does nothing except add dead weight to our existence, causing us to lug around unnecessary baggage…
-VQ

----------------------------------

There’s no love lost when there’s no love to be found.

You can’t miss out on something that was never around.

Confusion speaking volumes, rationality makes no sound.

Tortured by twisted thoughts, thinking the pairing was profound.

Whispered sweet nothings that held no solid ground.

Shattered hearts, piercing screams, inside skeletal walls resound.

System overloaded firewall protection has been downed.

Mistaken for a noble one revealed to be nothing but a hound.

Looking for an escape but by your guilt you’re tightly bound.

Holding back the tears until they cause the soul to drown.

Read more →
October 23, 2018
October 22, 2018
The Bigger Person
October 22, 2018

112/365

Being the bigger person should not be attributed to weakness. In fact, it takes all the strength in the world to face conflict with a shrug and a smile…
-VQ

----------------------------------------------

Kill them with kindness. Let the smiles pierce their souls poking holes in their bitterness, until it seeps from their pores onto the floor in dirty little mud puddles. Fighting fire with fire only feeds the flames. Stay ahead of the game by trying on compassion instead to tame the rage of angry foes; faking bold to placate potential rivals. Avoid the urge to meet them on their lower levels, breaking your back just to attack people who lack tact and already positioned beneath you. When you know your place, you save face by not acting in haste and wasting space in your day for disgraced haters spitting displaced anger at you. Who are mad simply because you are glad and choose not to carry the baggage of resentment and envy. Because even when you have nothing you’re grateful for the plenty of other things there are in this world to be happy about. Let the fury be their burden to bare. Share only the positive parts of you so that karma works its magic in your favor while they, on the other hand, are forced to pay up later.

Read more →
October 22, 2018
October 21, 2018
Ingratitude
October 21, 2018

111/365

The pitiful thing shivers with fear rattling sharp fingernails against the metal bars surrounding it. Thick fleshy tail whipping side to side in a frenzy. Beady charcoal eyes quiver erratically in it’s skull; pupils wide with adrenaline. Long gnarled teeth gnaw at the bars snapping sharply. Vicious bites in attempt to set itself free, the grinding of bone on steel slicing away at tufts of fur revealing a raw pink undercoat. Dark blood oozes out the side of its mouth running down its convulsing body soaking it in sticky gore. One last ditch effort at gnashing its way out before it bows its head and slumps down onto the grimy floor; human-like in its acceptance of defeat.  

Bearing to watch it suffer any longer, a helping hand emerges from the corner of the dimly lit room. A clink of metal as the latch is lifted. It cocks its head taking in a whiff of hope wafting from the open door, arousing sensation from its battered brain. Shaky legs begin their crawl towards the exit, thankful for the escape. Every step accompanied by excruciating pain…

Read more →
October 21, 2018
October 20, 2018
Don’t Resent, Repent
October 20, 2018

110/365

The Enlightenment that came with the Faith is undeniable and irreplaceable…
-VQ

--------------------------------

I used to resent God for what he would take away from me never realizing every time he took he would leave blessings behind. He never took anything away from me that I needed. Only things I thought I wanted but served me no good. Objects, places, and faces that I couldn’t seem to erase or replace with positive counterparts. I was fixated on anyone and anything new that came into my life even if their effect was toxic. Poisons taking over my system making me a victim of my addictions. Then the script was rewritten, and I started to listen. Whispered words of God brought to fruition the mission for my remission from sinful decision. As painful as the incision –the ripping, the splitting, the tearing away-- was I stayed focused on the cause and a vision for better living. Now I’m steady winning while your wheels are spinning, seething venom at the sky then asking the lord why when the spit falls back down and hits you in the eye.

Read more →
October 20, 2018
October 19, 2018
Patience
October 19, 2018

109/365

Learning and growing from changing and knowing more everyday…
-VQ

-------------------------------------------

I want it and I want it now!
Not knowing how to settle down
Face furrowing into frowns
When I don’t get my way
Today
Because tomorrow isn’t promised
So why the hell should I wait
For fate?
Irate in contemplation
Desperation for desires to be met
I can’t seem to forget
So, I fret
The insistent thoughts replaying
Delaying my progress for patience
Postponing the maintenance
Of my peace
Insisting that I get a piece
Before its even ready to be had
I get mad
Instead of letting go
When I know
What is meant to be will be
And cannot be forced by my discourse
Demanding it be so
I must outgrow
The frustration
To achieve elevation

Read more →
October 19, 2018
October 18, 2018
Dreams
October 18, 2018

108/365

Get your magic on…
-VQ

-----------------------------------------

Dreams are your subconscious speaking to you. All your innermost thoughts and universal messages compacted into a sleep cycle of either absolute chaos and fear or unprecedented and exciting adventure. Listen to them speak, seek wisdom from their metaphors. From the sentiments you choose to ignore which manifest themselves in your psyche when you are dozing. Do they feel like warnings; foreboding atmospheres of tension and strife? Lightning whipping across grey skies casting light upon your darkest of views. Or more like thrilling escapades; a surreal escape from the tedious tasks of your waking world? Cerebral vacations to the most picturesque islands of sensational emotions. Whimsical tales of delight illuminating your core making you beam from ear to ear resenting the moment when you must snap back into your painfully redundant reality. Pay close attention to the symbolism that presents itself in your dreams; the images, the colors, the objects, the people, animals, and feelings. Are the doors of opportunity closing in on you or opening to other realms of magical insight? Everything means something and can be translated for your use when you are awake to face the day. Use what you learn to guide you. To learn what it is that your heart truly desires and what it is that you should steer away from. Develop a true connection between your subconscious and conscious mind and you will gain phenomenal power unlike any other in existence.

Read more →
October 18, 2018
October 17, 2018
Destiny
October 17, 2018

107/365

In pursuit and making headway everyday…
-VQ

-------------------------------------

When Destiny calls I pick up because damn she’s mighty fine

And wherever she sashays I’m sure to follow close behind

 Never giving up the chance to make that lady mine

 Exhilarated from the chase, elevated on cloud 9

For a star has detonated and now’s my time to shine

Read more →
October 17, 2018
October 16, 2018
Rest In Peace
October 16, 2018

 

106/365

Sometimes letting go is necessary. Make the act as painless as possible…
-VQ

---------------------------------------

Ever plan a funeral for your feelings? Not just bury them but lay them to rest, no regrets? Having done your best so there’s no suppression, no shame, no guilt, no incessant depression. No throwing yourself on the casket crying and pleading that they never leave. No animosity for all the times they unintentionally made you bleed. Forgiveness at the forefront absolute harmony with the lives that they lived for you had so much to give and they simply did not make it.  No resuscitation, no hesitation, no chemo just letting them go for the greater good, their passing deeply understood. No hospice to prolong the inevitable just appreciation of the lessons they taught you; the journey unforgettable. No weary eyes begging for another chance or holding onto broken pieces just releasing the deceased so that they cease in peace.

Read more →
October 16, 2018
October 15, 2018
To Try
October 15, 2018

105/365

Yoda said it best, wise ole Yoda. The smartest statements come from the smallest bodies. I would know... 
-VQ

-------------------------------------------------

To try or not to try? That is the question. For there is no such thing, really, as “going to try”. You either are or are not going to do what is implied. To say that you will try is a cop out; an excuse for not doing it wholeheartedly or simply a premediated response for when you fail and are too embarrassed to admit that you could not do what was promised in the first place. Own your shit and either do it or don’t. People often say ‘try’ to relinquish themselves of the burden of responsibility. So that when the task at hand is not successful they can simply say “I told you I would try”. What does that even mean anyway? It sounds like you are already indicating that you will not do your best and if that’s the truth then say that instead. Say, “I will not do my best to meet your needs, I will half-ass get this work done”. But of course, people will deflect from using such statements as they directly hold them accountable to their bullshit and we all know people just love to skate around their real issues.

Projection, deflection, misdirection: people will point in every direction instead of inwards. Sweetie if you can’t do something it is quite alright. Maybe in admitting that you cannot you will receive the guidance that will allow you to be able to do so. But saying you will try when you know damn well you are incapable, aren’t ready, or just don’t want to, is an evasion of accountability not a noble act of humility. When you speak aloud lies such as these they stunt your ability to grow. They become safety blankets keeping you warm during times when the cold would have taught you a better lesson in survival. Affirmations are important because they inspire action, precisely why one must say what they mean and mean what they say. Know yourself well enough so that you speak your truth and do not mislead others or allow yourself to be misled in return. For it is quite simple to understand that if you do not want to do something you will not, and if you do, you will do everything in your power to achieve it. Believe this.

 

Read more →
October 15, 2018
October 14, 2018
If a Tree Falls
October 14, 2018

104/365

The answers you seek are within the skeletal walls of your own head…
-VQ

--------------------------------

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound? The answer to that is more profound than what is initially expected from the question. Many people argue that ‘no’ it does not because there is no one around to confirm the noise, but tell me, does that take away from the fact that it happened? The tree fell. We know that’s a fact, so why is the lack of people around a factor in acknowledging that the cause had an effect? People are far too reliant on one another’s approval when it comes to things of this nature. A tree falling undoubtedly makes a sound. Whether someone was there to receive those vibrations and internalize them as audible is irrelevant.

If you do something you are extremely proud of, but no one recognizes your accomplishments does it mean you have succeeded? If your answer is ‘no’ to that as well then you are unfortunately a defeatist; ready to accept failure at the whim of other’s opinions. On the journey of life, it doesn’t (or shouldn’t rather) matter what the hell anyone thinks but yourself. You are the sole proprietor of…

 

Read more →
October 14, 2018
October 13, 2018
Unloved
October 13, 2018

103/365

Fed up...

-VQ

------------------------

Hot tears rolled down her pretty porcelain face

Head bowed shamefully in disgrace

She felt a twinge of guilt she could not place

And when he took her hand, her heart began to race

He stared into her eyes and told her what she wanted to hear

That he would love and protect her, that she had nothing left to fear

He promised to be by her side; thick and thin throughout the years

He swore he wouldn’t be like the others who would slowly disappear

She swallowed all the lies and ate up the bullshit that was fed

No one ever seemed to care before, so she believed all that was said

She dismissed the doubt she felt inside and, so instead,

Lay sprawled with her legs spread wide across the bed

She sold her soul to him blindfolded by his words

He never let her leave the house, kept her caged just like a bird

Her sole purpose was to serve him, he was mad, it was absurd

She took it like a man and suffered beatings undeserved

Once more, as usual, he thrust her down upon the cotton sheet

This miserable girl who was unloved, so quiet and so meek

Was sick of feeling helpless, powerless, and weak

Slid her hands under the pillow letting her conscience speak

Her heart slowly dropped then quickened up its pace

Drenched in sweat her adrenaline began to race

She felt a twinge of guilt again she couldn’t seem to place

Finally fed up she cocked back and blew off the bastard’s face

The misery she felt within instantly erased

Read more →
October 13, 2018
October 12, 2018
I Pray
October 12, 2018

102/365

The fascination with people outside of ones self can be a dangerous distraction. I understand you now, Jack, cut them all out to bring yourself back…
-VQ

-------------------------------------

Blocked blessings from having my head in the clouds. Opportunities knocking begging me to come back down to Earth. I floated too far away one day and stayed there drifting along: a prisoner to circumstance and sappy love songs. I’m sorry universe I know you want to see more from me, I didn’t mean to put the cycle on repeat I thought I was acting differently. And I was, but the outcome seems to be the same so what do I change? Something must be done or undone to set it straight. A brand-new take to unite me with fate. Instead of painful predictions proven right, bring me insightful surprises that inspire delight. There’s more than what meets the eye I know; more to believe than what I’m told. I need to pick up my pen and write my own chapter. To ensure I get my happily ever after. A tale to tell of marvelous things: of laughter and joy, and dreams that spread wings and soar. Here me roar! From rooftops to mountain tops there is no stopping me. Once I hop on that pearly paved path to destiny, I will face greatness. I have forsaken my purpose in the chase of temptations. The distractions deemed worthless, as nothing lies beneath the surface but curtness. I must get back to the mission at hand and listen to my true calling. Put on the blinders and prevent me from falling astray. For this is my wish so I pray. The rest of the pieces will follow someday.

Read more →
October 12, 2018
October 11, 2018
Fathers and Forgiveness
October 11, 2018

101/365

Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself…
-VQ

-----------------------------

As a child my relationship with my father was practically non-existent. I mean, sure I saw him. Every other weekend as scheduled, but we did not have the bond that I only dreamed of having. Like the ones in the movies where the little girl runs into her father’s arms yelling “daddy!” whenever she saw him. Cuddling up to him while he jokingly warned her of the evils of boys and promising that he’d always protect her. I remember being so awkward around him that I didn’t even call him ‘dad’. I was so detached from that relationship that I was lost as to how to address the man that made me. Affection was something that pained my father to express, the discomfort of a hug or a kiss easily readable on his pale face. Crystal blue eyes grimacing at the slightest touch.

I resented his cold demeanor, his inability to connect with me, the fact that he would frequently toss me to the side to be left in the care of his horrid wife for years, until it welled up inside of me into this self-destructive ball of rage. And once it imploded all I knew was anger. The sadness I once felt as a child masked by the indignance of my bitter teenage self. I began feigning strength, pretending I didn’t care about him, acting as if none of it mattered when it was everything to me. His absence as a positive male role model plowing into my subconscious causing me to seek out that guidance from men in the streets. Never knowing that the choices I was making were directly correlated to what I felt I was missing from him.

Looking back, I can see how often I ended up drawn to the side of men that were just like him: uncaring, uncommunicative, and insensitive. I craved positive direction that none of them were able to give me and so I was steered down the dark path over and over again; being led astray by predators merely hunting for their next prey. Haunted by an overwhelming lack of confidence I stood stuck in the cycle of abuse naively believing that this behavior was the norm. That if I wanted to feel loved I would need to endure and overlook the less than noble characteristics presented to me. After all, who was there to show me any better? Exemplary males were unicorns from my perspective: not a single one in sight. Only fierce women facing persistent pain for survival until I became the same.

‘Helpless and hopeless’ should be the title of my teenage years. I had no faith in anyone to do any good. Not to me and not in the world. Not God, not my boyfriend, and most certainly not my father. I was irrationally irate towards the opposite sex yet irritatingly attached. Needy and pleading for someone to show me different. My teenage years withered away creating an unstable young adult. At 22 I graduated from college and my mom decided to throw me a graduation/birthday party extravaganza all in one to celebrate my accomplishments. I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy, just going through the motions with a snake for a boyfriend at my side beaming with feigned pride. The weight of all my trauma heavy on my shoulders, constantly carrying it around making it impossible to feel free or happy.

 My mom had invited everyone we knew: family, friends, and coworkers to come out and partake in the festivities. It was her way of making up for taking away my Sweet 16 when she found out I had been skipping school and getting bad grades. I thought it would be a pleasant surprise to hand out the 16 roses as would have would have been customary at my 16th birthday party. 16 roses: one to each person in my life who I felt helped me achieve my success or supported me in some way throughout the process. With it came the bright idea that this would be my moment. In front of all those people I would finally get to tell my father how I really felt about him. To call him out in a setting where he would have no choice but to listen and to make him feel just as insignificant as he made me feel my whole life.  

I was nervous, but I was deadest on my mission tired of holding in all my resentment to myself. I was ready to unleash my wrath upon him. To make an emotionally censored man cower in front of my very eyes. I typed up the speech and read it over every day leading up to the event letting the anxiety and angst fester in my soul and psyche’. The day of the event came, and I was dressed and ready to go, when suddenly it hit me. Like a truck. Why was I doing this again? The tortured tears of the hurt little girl I worked so hard to suppress bubbled to the surface pouring down my face like wretched waterfalls. She reminded me of my longing which made the rage fade to nothingness. The fury serving me no real purpose. I realized that I didn’t want to feel that way anymore and that making the speech would undoubtedly solidify the distance between my father and I, and that I would be throwing away the chance at my own happiness forever.

I turned the computer back on and rewrote the harsh words aimed at him. I turned my criticisms into compliments instead; commending him for being present in my life despite our differences. I acknowledged the fact that not too many people around me can say the same about their fathers. That he was pretty cool with my other siblings and I admired their relationships. I praised him for his attributes instead of attacking his deficiencies. For being fun-spirited and hard-working. For being there even if not exactly how I wanted him to be. And then I did something totally unexpected…I apologized to him. For never giving him any credit. The moment I spoke those words aloud to the crowd I saw that the look on his face (and many other faces) was of pure shock and awe.

 I could see him fighting back expression and the surprised look in his eyes made me understand how cold I had also been. In that instant I felt a light from deep down in the darkest parts of me shine. It was only then that I truly grasped the concept that forgiveness is not for the other person at all. Forgiveness is the greatest gift I have ever given myself because I had finally released myself of the burden of my resentment, blame, and anger. I was finally free, and it was a feeling so beautiful that words simply do not capture its essence. From that day moving forward my father began contacting me directly and we started developing a relationship that I value so much today. Of course, I have not forgotten everything I went through in his emotional absence, but I am immensely grateful that through forgiveness the little girl in me got her wish. And the adult me is living happily with her dad by her side.

Love you old man.

-Sincerely, your eldest daughter

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October 11, 2018
October 10, 2018
Parents and Punishments
October 10, 2018

100/365

A little insight into my life. Why I'm so strong and stubborn, and enduring of pain. It has been both my greatest strength and my biggest downfall. The reason I am the way I am, and it all started with my momma…
-VQ

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Your upbringing has everything to do with your current character. If you want to know why you are the way you are and why you behave the way you do, take a nice long look at your parents. Also consider the environment in which you grew up in for there are outside factors that influence us that even our parents cannot control. If you did not have present parents understand that their absence was just as impactful. Their lack of guidance effecting how you reacted to the world and the people around you. Similarly, the parental style of the parents you have in your life determines your abilities, coping skills, and ultimately defines your personality.

I, for one, consider myself to be a very strong and independent woman which I attribute to being raised by one. My mother was an extremely solid person in both her physicality and her presentation of her mental/emotional state. My brother and I like to lovingly (at the present point in time) refer to her parental style as a dictatorship. Describing our childhood as being punished harshly and judged critically for what she deemed as inappropriate or unacceptable behaviors. There were two types of people my mother constantly preached to us about that she could not tolerate: liars and thieves. And she did nothing less than…

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October 10, 2018
October 9, 2018
Keep It Real
October 9, 2018

099/365

Authenticity is key …
-VQ
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Fake it ‘til you make it? Right...until someone bursts your bubble bringing your bullshit to the light. Shattering the illusion of success forcing you to digress from plans of presumed power. Making you regress further back into your darkest hours. You can don a coat of confidence and put on airs of competence but what happens when the wind blows, and you’re  naked underneath? The vulnerability giving the people a peek at the fact that you’re weak. Your sudden happiness too far of a reach. Pardon your inadequacies and aim for actualities instead of masking your discrepancies with fallacies of finesse. Do your best and leave the rest for the birds pecking at the imperfect pieces you shed like bread, just try keeping it real instead. 

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October 9, 2018
October 8, 2018
Tornado Season
October 8, 2018

Whirlwind of sentiments, chaos around the corner...

 

-VQ

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Spiraling out of control

Spinning into madness

Tis the season to be bold

Yet stagnant from the sadness

A storm is brewing truth be told

A cyclone of raging badness

Eruptions of feelings new and old

Disastrous mix of drastic habits

Turbulence makes the stronghold fold

Losing strength, it’s hard to grasp it

Heated but the heart’s still cold

Tamed temperaments turning savage

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October 8, 2018
October 7, 2018
Nature Haiku's
October 7, 2018

097/365

The most precious living things on this planet are unfortunately the most disrespected and disregarded by human kind. We will pay greatly someday...

-VQ

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Obstructing nature

Depletion of resources 

Dying with the leaves

 

Wasted oxygen 

On undeserving creatures 

Human scum of earth 

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October 7, 2018
October 6, 2018
Brainwashed
October 6, 2018

096/365

Do not allow others to trick you into thinking your dreams are foolish...the followers are the real fools. Define and achieve success for yourself…
-VQ

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Mindless mimes mimicking the masses

Machines managed by the minority

Manipulating the majority to maintain

Mediocrity and minimize the magic

Money a mirage for mind control

Masking the massacre of motivation

Making a mockery of self-made men to

Muzzle the meaningfulness of maximizing

Mastery of talents to make ends meet

Media morphing many to mummies too

Mortified to move; afraid to miss the mark

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October 6, 2018
October 5, 2018
Fruits of Lust
October 5, 2018

095/365

"Yum yum eat em up"…
-VQ

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Nourish me with love

Soak me at the roots

Designate a sacred space

Feast on forbidden fruits

Sweetness dripping down your face

Squeeze the peaches drink the juice

Nibble lightly on the cherry

Eat the berries become seduced

Suckle softly from the melons

Let the nectar make you loose

Bite the apple kiss the kiwi

Sugary essence reproduced

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October 5, 2018
October 4, 2018
Slaughter Sanity
October 4, 2018

094/365

There goes that complicated language again. Don't let it go over your heads…
-VQ

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Reality is subjective; reflective of perspective
Relative to the individual’s perception
And mental digestion of experiences
Not to be detected by the collective
Contention arising from rejected views
From dissected reflections corrected
With the intention of redemption
As if the mention of introspection
Is to be inspected and suspected
As signs of diagnosable insanity
The impression that the assessment
Is more important than the person
Placing limitations and expecting imitation
Of contemplation adjacent to the masses
Instead of fostering independent intuition
The affliction is in the addiction to be the
Same; what society deems as sane
Is, in actuality, a calamity of epic proportions
Abandon the distortions of reality
Imposed by society hiding behind simulated
Standards of stability and slaughter sanity
By being you and living your truth!

 

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October 4, 2018

Grey Thoughts

Grey Thoughts is a place for a multitude of creators in numerous different mediums to display their creative projects for the world to see.

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