Rambling 113: Santa and Friends

What’s the truth behind Christmas and Santa Claus? A Christmas Special unpacking Santa Claus and his known associates, in a Christmas Deep Dive filled with criminal syndicates and elaborate heists!

Story:
With Christmas closing in, the clone duo have little time to act in their attempt to slow down the annual child trafficking wave that usually sweeps the Earth. One culprit comes to mind when wanting to investigate a global crime wave on Christmas Day… Saint Nicholas. A well known global traveler. But in digging deep into the history of this man and his corrupt past, the truth about this crime wave and how it’s done is more than either of our heroes could have ever seen coming. The people involved and the atrocious acts committed will be something they’ll never be able to forget. Find out what on this episode of Just Conversation.

(This episode contains a transcript to make it accessible to Deaf and Hard of Hearing Audiences #DeafPodcast #PodcastTranscript)

+Episode Details

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Topics Discussed

• Santa Claus Demon Hunter
• Enslaved Elves
• Servant Rupert
• Saint Nick’s Kid Pickles
• How to Become A Saint in 3 Easy Steps
• Saint Breastfeed
• Eating Children
• The Christmas Heist
• Qanon

Our Links:

Official Website - https://greythoughts.info/podcast

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+Transcript

Jack: Who is Santa Claus and are the stories about him true? Is he a magical man? Or is there more going on behind the true story of Santa Claus? Find out all that and more coming up on this episode of Just Conversation.

Cristina: Warning. This program contains strong themes meant for a mature audience. Discretion is advised.

Jack: Going live in 5, 4.

Cristina: What does live mean? Welcome to Just Conversation, the show where we ground humanity's most absurd and baffling ideas in childish ways. I'm your host, Christina.

Jack: And I'm Jack.

Cristina: And if you haven't yet, remember to hit that subscribe button to get notified the second new episodes are released.

Jack: Yes, and this show is most enjoyable with the listening partner. So be sure to go find somebody and bring them in nice and close and force them. You always force them. That's our theme. We ask you to find somebody and make them listen to this show against their will.

Cristina: No, we don't.

Jack: I do.

Cristina: You do? Yes. The show where you force people to force people.

Jack: No, I force people to force people. Otherwise their children are in danger.

Cristina: Yes. Oh, yes. I forgot that part too.

Jack: Yes. That's how this goes. So make sure you get somebody to listen. It's a family friendly show. No, it's not.

Cristina: No, it's not.

Jack: No, it's not.

Cristina: It doesn't matter because then they'll get amnesia.

Jack: Yeah, they get them. See, all of this work doesn't matter. Yeah, even the people who were kidnapped, they don't know were kidnapped.

Cristina: Yeah, they'll forget.

Jack: Yeah, all of it. It works itself out. It's kind of a solid plan. There's no victim here. Except the people who don't force other.

Cristina: People and the victim who end up at the hospital finding out that they're our enemy because they end up with cancer.

Jack: Fair enough. Fair enough.

Cristina: So that's two people.

Jack: Only if, I guess only the ones that get cancer. But they were already our enemies. I guess it's really a tactical war move, if anything.

Cristina: Yes. One of those kids that get killed sadly by you. Christmas. You know what that day is for? Celebrating Jesus's birthday. No, it's not.

Jack: Nobody does that. No.

Cristina: It's Santa Claus's birthday.

Jack: Is it Saint Old Saint Nicholas, Old.

Cristina: Saint Nick and Santa Claus are two different people.

Jack: Who's Santa Claus?

Cristina: He's a fictional version of St. Nicholas. But St. Nicholas is a man. You met him. He was a man. Yeah, I met him.

Jack: That's cool.

Cristina: Yeah. He was telling me that he hunts demons. Did you know that? He's a demon hunter.

Jack: I mean, he was a saint and weren't they demon hunters. Thus exorcisms, I guess.

Cristina: But he found demons. I didn't know about that.

Jack: Are the elves enslaved demons?

Cristina: Huh? I don't know. I don't. We gotta look up what elves are. Really? Because they're. They're some type of creature.

Jack: Like what's happening up there, man?

Cristina: With the elves and the reindeers and.

Jack: Talking like snowmen and things. There's. There's weird s*** going on. He lives with like monsters.

Cristina: He's a demon hunter, like I was saying. And I learned about few of his stories from him. Do you know any of his demon hunting stories?

Jack: No. This is the first time I ever heard about it. I always suspected there was something weird and off about a bunch of elves and that they serve this guy. But he's not like God. Unless he is some sort of demigod, which was also a theory as well. He might have been some sort of demigod this entire time.

Cristina: Yes. Maybe all the saints are demigods now.

Jack: Interesting. I actually was thinking Santa Claus this whole time. You were talking St. Nick.

Cristina: Yeah, St. Nick. Because he's the real magic man. Santa is just a fictional cartoon.

Jack: Fair enough. Okay, so tell me about his demon hunting.

Cristina: Okay, okay. One time he banished a demon from a tree by threatening it with an axe.

Jack: Man, we stumble on this all the time where it's just like a guy doing normal person killing things. There's nothing. There's nothing demon killy about an axe. It's just like how you'd kill a person.

Cristina: Oh yeah. Yes. Or maybe he was actually planning on chopping that tree, but someone saw it and was like, no, he's not just chopping down that tree.

Jack: There must be a demon in there.

Cristina: Gotta be a demon in there. Yes.

Jack: Or maybe there was a guy inside on the tree. There was a guy on the tree and he's like, I'm gonna knock this tree down. Get down. And then.

Cristina: It was a leprechaun.

Jack: It was a leprechaun in the tree?

Cristina: Yeah.

Jack: Really?

Cristina: I don't know. No. Oh, well, maybe that's how he got the elves. He made a deal with the leprechaun.

Jack: What?

Cristina: He. Our elves and leprechauns from the same place?

Jack: I think you're being. I think that's racism what you just did right there.

Cristina: But they're from the same place.

Jack: Oopsie. Did I just do a racist? Like Peter? Like Peter did. Oopsie. Did I just do a racism.

Cristina: Irish creatures though, for sure. No, maybe not elves.

Jack: Why would an elf be a con?

Cristina: Not Be an.

Jack: You're just. Here's. Here's. Look, here's where it's f****** up the name we give. What's in the north is elf. But that's wrong because elves are usually taller than people.

Cristina: Elves are usually.

Jack: Elvens are way taller than people. On average. They're not shorter.

Cristina: Elvens are something else. I don't know what Elvens are. There are elves.

Jack: No, those are elves.

Cristina: So there's two names for this creature.

Jack: No, you Elven people are elves.

Cristina: Okay?

Jack: And whatever the f*** is up there is closer to a leprechaun than it is to an elf. It's not an elf. It's not associated with an elf. It doesn't have weird pointy ears. It doesn't have white hair. It's not tall. The only thing it shares in common, it's magic.

Cristina: And if that's magical, at least.

Jack: Yes. And if that's the argument here, then that's to say that leprechauns are just. I mean, elves are just midgets. They're not. They're not like a race of tiny people. They're midgets because it's like the difference between a tall human and a short human. Because if they're all just elves. Santa Claus is hoarded all the tiny elves. Yeah, and made a workshop. He enslaved a bunch of tiny elves.

Cristina: Well, they happily serve him.

Jack: What winner of a war said we enslaved people?

Cristina: Ah, yes. Are they demons, though? Because he would enslave demons.

Jack: Owls aren't demons. Elves are magical creatures.

Cristina: Oh, well, maybe he's like a Sam and Dean demon hunting, where they're killing more than just demonstration. And Santa's doing the same thing. He's dealing with magical creatures.

Jack: Why doesn't he commit suicide?

Cristina: Santa?

Jack: Yeah.

Cristina: I mean, Saint Nick, I guess. Why? Why would he want to do that?

Jack: Isn't the goal kill magical creatures because he's a human?

Cristina: He's a human.

Jack: It says who isn't it?

Cristina: Kill magic powers that were given to him by God.

Jack: Is that the case here?

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: All saints are using the power that they're killing.

Cristina: That they're killing.

Jack: They hunt things with powers, not just demons. Yes, things with magical abilities.

Cristina: Because they're not God's creatures.

Jack: Maybe wasn't God. Wasn't. Weren't vampires God's creatures?

Cristina: No. That's what you get if you don't believe in him.

Jack: I thought people got punished and turned into vampires.

Cristina: Yes, that too.

Jack: By God.

Cristina: By God himself. No, I think it's by the church.

Jack: So you Tell me. The church has power independent of God?

Cristina: Yes. Well, they were given to, I guess. Yes. Okay. They were given to the powers by God to turn people into demons and then have the power to kill those demons that they turned them into.

Jack: Sounds right.

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: Seems legit.

Cristina: It's a very confusing story, but it's the truth. So I wonder, then that business of exorcism, then.

Jack: It's a setup.

Cristina: Yeah. They have the power.

Jack: It's a setup.

Cristina: Give people demons in them and then they could just take them out because they have that power too. Oh, my gosh.

Jack: Yep. We uncovered it. It was a setup.

Cristina: Did you know that? What?

Jack: I just figured it out right now with you.

Cristina: Yes. That's so crazy. Now we know he also resurrected a boy who was strangled by a demon.

Jack: Which he hired a demon.

Cristina: Exactly.

Jack: And then they. He made the demon, then they hired him to get rid of that demon. I see a pattern here.

Cristina: Yeah, and he also outsmarted a demon in a wager.

Jack: I feel like he told me that before. Didn't St. Nick do something like that?

Cristina: He is St. Nick.

Jack: I mean, not St. Nick.

Cristina: St. Patrick.

Jack: St. Patrick. Didn't he do something like that? That also made him a saint.

Cristina: I don't know who. Probably. He has crazy stories too, so.

Jack: He has the craziest stories. That's the one saint to beat God.

Cristina: Yes. Yeah, but this guy outsmarted a demon through a wager, and then that demon became his servant.

Jack: Maybe also known as an elf or.

Cristina: Yes, elf. Or one of those many other things that follow him around. Like Krampus.

Jack: Krumpus doesn't follow him around, does it?

Cristina: Well, he works with him, sort of.

Jack: But that's like the devil. That's assuming that St. Nick is kind of like Jesus.

Cristina: Yeah, but it looks like a hairy monster, like a demon.

Jack: Okay, fair enough.

Cristina: It's demon. Like, maybe he beat him in a wager and he was like, hey, now you gotta help me take care of children, man.

Jack: It is kind of a thing. It's like, I already make demons to kill people. Now Imma make you. I beat you. Your job. The children specifically.

Cristina: Yep. You gotta beat those children.

Jack: And he kills them, Right? He kills the children. That's what Krampus does.

Cristina: I know. There's another of St. Nick's companions. I guess his name is servant Rupert. And he's a man with a long beard and a furry coat. And sometimes he has. He has a bag of ashes with him for some reason. I guess that's to give the bad kids. But sometimes he kidnaps the kids, the bad kids and takes them home with him to eat them later or he throws them into a river.

Jack: So yeah, we're talking about Jesus here. He's hanging out with a bunch of killers and like thieves and s***.

Cristina: Yeah, this is his other one. He's kind of like, I guess Krumpus. Krumpus does similar things to that. I know we talked about Krampus last year, but I totally forgot much about him.

Jack: I think he murdered children. Yeah.

Cristina: Oh, okay. He murdered children. Well, this guy too, because he has a lot of. There's like equally good and bad servants, I guess, if you want to call them that. Slaves, whatever. And last time you were talking about kids who were turned into pickles or some weird story. I finally figured that out that St.

Jack: Nick in the barrels where he pickled the children and thus he got.

Cristina: Kids were already being pickled to be sold for as meat because there was a famine. So the butcher wanted to sell them as meat. As I guess non children meat, you know. But Nick found out what he was doing somehow. I guess he knew that barrel was not filled with regular meat and he turned those children alive. Those pickled children.

Jack: And then he ate them. He's like, I won't eat them. Pickled eats them alive.

Cristina: No, he saved those children. And that's how he became the patron of children, maybe. Or one of the many stories. Yeah.

Jack: Yeah. So he got his powers by pickling. Got you.

Cristina: He did. I guess he had nothing to do with pickling those children. They were already pickled.

Jack: Well, it's weird because it looked like he was just traveling with kids in barrels or something in the painting that they made. Because the painting was just misguided. It was about a moment and then it got so many iterations that eventually it just became him standing in front of kids inside of barrels.

Cristina: Yeah. Actually that's one of the interesting things I learned about was that. Yeah, people don't really know what he did in his life. So they look at that picture or pictures of him like that and they have no idea what's going on. Some of them think he's a.

Jack: A child pickler.

Cristina: A child pickler. I don't think that's one of them. They. Because they didn't know much about him. He became a patron of so many things. So many random things besides children. He was. He's a patron for coopers, which are barrel makers. Like people who make barrels see him as their saint, I guess.

Jack: The saint of barrels.

Cristina: Yes, barrow makers. The saint of barrel makers. He's Also was a. I think the first one that. Or the most important saint that he was before children was of sailors and fishermen and stuff because of a story that he calmed the storms of. I don't know. On. He calmed the storm in sea for fishermen, for merchants. Yeah. It saved some fishermen. I mean it saved the sailors lives. And they all worshiped him pretty much for that.

Jack: That is weird.

Cristina: Yeah. And they all pray for him and stuff. And on. There's. When they celebrate his life. They celebrate it on December 6, before actual Christmas day, which I think they still had two on that day in December 6th, when they go. They go to church for him and then they go to a festival and buy presents for their children and they give it to their children. And then people end up thinking, oh, he's for children because of that event that just became a thing that people did.

Jack: That makes sense. So basically all the random things surrounding him decided that he's the saint of that thing.

Cristina: Yes, yes. He also saved three soldiers from being executed because I guess they didn't do the crime, but they wanted to kill somebody for the crime and he stopped them.

Jack: Ah, typical politics. Somebody must be punished, sir. But we don't have who did it. Doesn't matter. You see that guy over there? He doesn't look like anybody would care about him. Kill him.

Cristina: What? They were soldiers, though I'm sure they had family.

Jack: Right. Because soldiers today are treated so well. This is back then in barbarian times.

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: Before the invention of the control remote, the standard for human advancement.

Cristina: Yes, the remote control. The greatest creation. That. In the microwave, I guess.

Jack: And sliced bread as well.

Cristina: Oh. What? Another thing he was known for was after his parents died, he gave away their wealth to the poor. He gave random people, I guess they left their shoes outside and he would throw gold in the shoes. That also became a tradition for kids.

Jack: To throw gold in their shoes.

Cristina: Yeah, Getting like presents in their shoes. Or the stockings thing. Maybe that came from that as well.

Jack: Interesting.

Cristina: Yeah. He was a secret gift giver and he liked putting coins in people's shoes if they left them out. I don't. I don't know how it was back.

Jack: Then, but maybe it's like the oriental cultures where they tend to leave their shoes either at a shoe rack or outside of the door.

Cristina: Okay. The last one is he rescued three girls from prostitution. You've heard of that story? We talked a little bit about that. I'm not sure.

Jack: Rescued them by.

Cristina: He didn't really rescue them, but he gave them money. The money that they need to Marry to get a nice husband.

Jack: I guess they were gonna buy their husbands.

Cristina: I guess that's how it worked. I'm not sure. I'm not sure how dowries work. We don't have that nowadays, but I think so it's either you get married or prostitution were the only options for these women.

Jack: Because working was not allowed.

Cristina: Yes, exactly. Women probably couldn't work. So you either get married or you go into prostitution. And I guess they needed to bribe these men to marry them. But he helped them out, so. And I think that's why he's also the patron of whores, of hookers, unmarried people, of streetwalkers. Of street walkers.

Jack: The saint of streetwalkers.

Cristina: No, of unmarried people. He's. He's got a bunch of weird things. Oh, and of brewers, which I guess has to do with that barrel. And people not sure. What is that barrel about?

Jack: Man Satanic loves his child. Based alcohol.

Cristina: Yes, yes. Because they didn't know about the whole prostitution dowry story. Sometimes they. When they had pictures of him, it would have like three golden balls and it would represent the, I guess, bag of gold. Or coins. Maybe Those are coins. People saw them as oranges. So in the medieval times, they thought he was from Spain and he would visit them to bring them oranges.

Jack: Ah, yes. When merchants are struggling to bring you produce and fruit.

Cristina: And guess what? He's also a patron of merchants.

Jack: Because oranges.

Cristina: I guess so.

Jack: And beer, apparently.

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: St. Nick is coming. Children, you guys are gonna get some yummy oranges and dad's gonna get f****** ripped.

Cristina: Yes, that's pretty much. Yeah. The only one that I don't really know is archers and pharmacists. Why?

Jack: Because the barrels could have also had medicine.

Cristina: Oh, and archers.

Jack: I guess archers were also shoved into the barrels. No, I mean, there were kids in the barrels. Why couldn't you chop up and like, pickle the remains of an archer?

Cristina: I guess so they're like just making up what was in that barrel.

Jack: Yeah.

Cristina: And pawnbrokers.

Jack: They were also in the barrels.

Cristina: They were also in the barrels.

Jack: It's about the barrels.

Cristina: It's all about the barrels.

Jack: He's the saint of barrels in one way or another.

Cristina: Okay. Do you remember how people become saints?

Jack: They do miracles. And then a group of hobos inside of the church decide he is a miracle doer in the name of God or something. And they must be really old or dead.

Cristina: Dead. They have to be dead for sure. Yeah, that's step one, be dead, be dead.

Jack: Okay, Step one, be dead, be dead.

Cristina: You gotta Wait at least five years.

Jack: After death and wait, the guy who cheated the system was Saint Nick?

Cristina: I don't think he cheated the system. I don't know.

Jack: There was one. It was either St Nick or Mr. Rogers who was a saint ahead of time.

Cristina: No, he's not a saint. I don't think he's a saint.

Jack: Are you positive the saint.

Cristina: There was some saints that become saints before, like right after death because they, they got martyred, they call it, which is they. They were killed. Someone killed them. So they get to rush past the five year thing.

Jack: So this is to say if somebody has done a couple of miracles and then I murder him.

Cristina: They don't have to do miracles. The miracles they do in real life are not part of this.

Jack: I thought that was part of the rubric.

Cristina: No, there are miracles involved. They have nothing to do with the ones that you do while alive.

Jack: You specifically said in the previous Christmas episode that miracles were part of becoming a saint.

Cristina: Yes, yes, but not while you're alive.

Jack: How do you do miracles while dead?

Cristina: People have to pray to you.

Jack: Right?

Cristina: And then a miracle happens and then it counts.

Jack: So you have to be worshipped before you're a saint. People just have to hold you as a false God. And then the church is like, I guess he's false God enough. Now let's legitimize his godliness.

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: So the church makes gods. Gods don't make the church except for.

Cristina: The one main God who gives them the powers.

Jack: Does he though?

Cristina: Yes, he.

Jack: Are we sure they didn't like, then again force this guy and he's like in the basement of the church being in prison and they're sucking his power out to use it?

Cristina: Possibly.

Jack: I don't know, like God is, Is that what's in the freaking the Vatican slot down or whatever the h*** wherever they keep in, like, you know, the holy things that are like, for. They got it closed down like Fort Knox. And what's really down there is both Jesus and God imprisoned.

Cristina: Oh my God.

Jack: While they're being milked for their infinite power.

Cristina: But then how are all these people before their death doing miracles?

Jack: Before whose deaths?

Cristina: Their deaths.

Jack: Oh, they're praying to God. Yeah, but God, his energy is inside of like a bottle in the church and there's some sort of genie guy using that energy. And like I hear prayers for God, but I've got you imprisoned.

Cristina: God, like Saint Nick, he was, he was using something that had the powers from the church.

Jack: Yeah, Church has the power from God. And when you pray to God, you're Really being received by the church antenna of power. And then they're like, send some, distribute some energy to that praying soul.

Cristina: Okay, whoa, that is disturbing. So step one, death. Or way after death.

Jack: Maybe that was actually why it was important to kill Jesus in the first place.

Cristina: For his powers to.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, kill him for his powers. He's more like a man. Other God. Man is other God dead. Did the church kill God to use his powers? To use his powers?

Cristina: No, but he wouldn't have, like. Did he have a physical body? Like, how do you capture.

Jack: Let's look at it like this. Jesus happens. Yes, Jesus killed. We don't have wrathful God anymore. Was that literally God? Did the church literally kill him and just like take his corpse down in a hole somewhere and just. Just milking the energy that's leaking out? Oh yeah, let's put him in a container and melt away that leak. That infinitely leaking energy.

Cristina: Possibly. Because from learning about all these saints, there's a lot of creepy things. Like some of their bodies are perfectly fine way later after their death. Like they don't die. The bodies don't die.

Jack: That's weird.

Cristina: Yes, they're just sleeping bodies. Like nothing is happening to their body.

Jack: Yeah, it's really weird. I've seen some of that before. Like they somehow don't decay or anything.

Cristina: Yeah, there's like one lady, or I think it's a lady saint, I don't know, is in display in a church.

Jack: That's nuts.

Cristina: That's nuts. What's going on here? Is it church related?

Jack: Maybe. Maybe they're just sending Jesus power. Maybe that person is just hibernating until they wake up. A vampire.

Cristina: What if they are vampires? Then do you just gotta pretend to be sleeping?

Jack: No, that person's recovering because they died. Allegedly. So they sleep for centuries at a time.

Cristina: That is so crazy. So you knew about that? That's weird, right?

Jack: Yeah, I've heard about that before.

Cristina: That's crazy. Okay, so step two of becoming a saint is to become a servant of God. Of course, I'm not sure if that's also part of after your death, because I'm pretty sure before you're dead, you're supposed to have converted into Christianity if you weren't already a Christian or born Christian or whatever.

Jack: Do you have to be Catholic?

Cristina: You have to be Catholic. Oh my God.

Jack: Or is it like any form of Christianity floats? Like it could be a Pentecostal, I don't know, Is it the Catholic Church that's doing all this? Yes, because let's look at this Jesus shows up, right? Some people in the Jewish church decide kill Jesus. Then evil God disappears. And we have people who can make miracles happen, chosen by the now Christian church. They change that group of people with the power of God at their hands. Even said 100 years later, we're not even Jews, we're Christian. We're this new thing. We believe and use the power of Christ. And if you want the power of Christ in you, you gotta join the church.

Cristina: Because they actually have the power of Christ.

Jack: They actually have the power of Christ. Maybe Christ is the vessel that directly takes in like we gotta look at it like this, right? Christ was the human form, but he's still God. He's still connected to God. And you killed Christ and you imprisoned Christ. God can't do anything, it's him. Yeah, and you just keep siphoning. God is still alive, but Jesus, God is dead. But his body also won't wither away. It's always going to be trying to come back, slowly draining. Infinite God, but he's infinite. So you just are the other person with God's power, other than God himself. Except God made a one way power direction into Jesus. And because you don't let Jesus come back to life, God can't like reverse the process.

Cristina: How do you stop them from coming back to life? Do they have a stake in his heart?

Jack: Maybe.

Cristina: Maybe they have the same for the saints. Because the saints, even after death do some really strange things like, like there was, there's a blood, a veil of one of the saints blood and it, they say it's dry but every around his birthday or death or something, it turns into liquid.

Jack: Who says that?

Cristina: The church says that. I think.

Jack: Is that like the floating rock somewhere in Israel or whatever?

Cristina: It's a cathedral in Naples.

Jack: So yeah, of course the church would say that.

Cristina: Of course. I wonder if they show it off though. Like look at it today, it's dry. Look at it today now. Oh look, it's liquidy.

Jack: I bet, I bet the church has a bunch of weird tricks like that that it uses to brainwash people.

Cristina: Where are they getting the. I mean, I guess they can get the blood from anything.

Jack: Hard to get blood.

Cristina: Yeah, yeah, they just a rooster outback or something. But yeah, there's weird things like that. There's St. Viviana who, her parents died and her sister tried to force her into prostitution, but she refused to. And then they imprisoned her in a madhouse and then beat her to death. But when she passed away, they built a church on her grave. And in the church, they had a garden, and the garden grows herbs that cures headaches and epilepsy, but it doesn't cure prostitution. Maybe like no one has. Like, maybe none of them had the thought beforehand. Maybe you got to go there thinking like, should I go prostitute? And then you eat the herb and you're like, nah, I'm cured.

Jack: I now have money. I don't need to prostitute. Thank you. Fruit?

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: Or herb.

Cristina: Thank you. Herb. Yeah. Mm. So there's a lot of strange things. Step 3 Show proofs of a life of heroic virtue, which I guess is like St. Nick donating all his parents money to the poor. That was pretty heroic, I think. Maybe, I don't know.

Jack: Now can I walk into a town that I've never been at before? And then when somebody talks to me, I'm like, oh yeah, man, I got just done dedicating my life to helping other people and doing only but good. Flash back to what my life was really like. I burned entire towns and slaughtered families everywhere, raping and killing everybody I ever saw. But then I made it to this town, I'm like done with it. And then I'm in that town, I'm like, nah, I've always done good things. And there happens to be Catholics. Do they still, like, they're just going on my word at that point?

Cristina: No, they have to investigate.

Jack: How would they find it? How long ago are we talking?

Cristina: I don't know. It just says that they investigate the person's life and the writings for evidence of what they're looking for.

Jack: So if I got no proof, then I can't be a saint.

Cristina: Yeah, like you got to have that horrible life killing people, but then you really did change your life around and help people. You might become a saint, who knows?

Jack: But I didn't become a good person.

Cristina: No, no, no, I know, like you can't, you can't if you didn't. If you're just lying to them. But if a person did kill a bunch of people but then changed their life around and was only good, they could possibly become a saint.

Jack: That makes sense. Seems legit.

Cristina: Yes, that's. And then step four is a miracle that happens after you pray to this person that's wanna be a saint. The Saint Nick, Whatever.

Jack: So dear Saint Nick, bring me presents or children inside barrels.

Cristina: Yes. And then he gives it to you, and then that's proof that that person is already in heaven, man.

Jack: Okay, okay. So people prayed to St. Nick and their prayers came true, but he was considered the saint of children in barrels, essentially.

Cristina: Children. Barrels are a separate thing. It's not children in barrels. It's children and barrels.

Jack: But the combo is the only way he gets his power. No, out children being exclusively put in a barrel. He's powerless.

Cristina: No, it's separate. It's totally separate. And then the final thing to become a saint is just to have another miracle.

Jack: So two miracles?

Cristina: Yes. One is to prove that you're in heaven, and the second is to prove that you're holy.

Jack: The one that proves you're in heaven doesn't prove you're holy. Is this to say you can be.

Cristina: Or I guess that you're already holy. That you're. I don't know. I don't know. Okay, I guess it's both the same, right? I don't know. Okay, whatever. Two miracles after your death. It's not that crazy of steps. Maybe one day you will do this after your death. Who knows? What if someone tries to make you a saint? That'd be crazy.

Jack: That'd be awesome. Super epic. I want a bunch of worshipers.

Cristina: But you have to actually dedicate your life to Christianity eventually in your life.

Jack: No, I'm gonna cheat the system. I'll make it work. I'm gonna get that guy who made Heisenberg the fake paperwork, make him make me a bunch of fake religious paperwork.

Cristina: How is that gonna work out? They're gonna find out they got the money. You have investigators.

Jack: I have the queen on my side.

Cristina: No, you don't. She is one of their investigators.

Jack: What, the queen couldn't investigate.

Cristina: Why not?

Jack: She's busy running the world.

Cristina: And that's part of the world that she runs. She investigates saints.

Jack: No, she doesn't. She appoints them.

Cristina: She appoints them. What does that mean?

Jack: She's like, you're a saint now.

Cristina: She points at them.

Jack: Yeah, she says, you're a saint now. You're a saint now you're the Pope. Now. You're a saint, now you're a priest.

Cristina: I think we talked about this in the werewolf episode, but there's a saint for the fear of werewolves.

Jack: Now you pray to him to get the fear of werewolves away, or you get the werewolves away. He's like, I'm scared of werewolves. I can. I can work with that Here. Now you're not afraid of werewolves. But it's like, do you see anti werewolf. There are werewolves outside my door. What do I do? Well, I can take your fear of dying by werewolves away. If that. Like, I could do that part.

Cristina: I don't know. Yes. St. Herbert, the werewolf protector, can you.

Jack: Get rid of the werewolves. No. I can stop you from being scared of the way you're about to die.

Cristina: Yes. Then there's also St. Patrick. I don't know if he has anything to do with being. Praying for him for werewolves, but I just remember that we talked already about one of these stories. But there's two stories involving werewolves. Which one was St. Patrick's turn a king into a werewolf as some type of punishment.

Jack: Seems legit.

Cristina: And then also he turned a tribe into werewolves. Every seven years, they have to be a werewolf, and then seven years they're normal. And then back to werewolf to normal every seven years.

Jack: Why?

Cristina: Oh, no. They had a disagreement.

Jack: Man, he. He really did abuse the power of God. But God wasn't gonna do anything because he would just stand up and be like, God, don't make me.

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: And God would be like, no, no, I'm good. I'll do it.

Cristina: Yes. Yes. He's. He. He can do whatever. I guess he runs this world.

Jack: Yeah. He has that free ticket. He has to be immortal. God is like, sure, yeah.

Cristina: So crazy. Then there's Saint Gills. He is the saint of the fear of breastfeeding. He was a hermit living in a cave, and he kept himself alive for several years drinking milk from a deer.

Jack: I thought that was going to go a whole other direction. I thought he was in a cave. He was in a cave with a female. And he's like, look, we have to stop you from losing that milk because I'm going to die.

Cristina: Nope, Nope. But if you have. You're in a life or death situation, and your only way to live is to drink some breast milk from an animal. You can pray to him. If you're having trouble doing it, you.

Jack: Can pray to get that. That deer lactating.

Cristina: Okay. Oh, my gosh. Well, yes, there's that.

Jack: Fantastic.

Cristina: Well, there's. He's not the only amazing.

Jack: But like, wait, could a mom who's struggling to breastfeed her baby pray to him?

Cristina: Yeah, probably. It says fear of breastfeeding.

Jack: Oh, wait, it's the fear of breastfeeding.

Cristina: Yeah.

Jack: They're so specific. Why couldn't he just be the saint of breastfeeding? So he deals with every part of breastfeeding?

Cristina: I think he does deal. It's probably breastfeeding. But you don't want to just say breastfeeding. So maybe fear of breastfeeding makes it sound better. I don't know.

Jack: I think it's just for people who are scared of breastfeeding. Now you're less scared about breastfeeding? Yeah, that's it.

Cristina: I don't know. Then there's St. Arnath, who's the saint of beer.

Jack: No, that's wrong.

Cristina: He's the saint of beer.

Jack: He's not.

Cristina: Why not?

Jack: Because St. Nick is the saint of beer.

Cristina: They're both. But this guy, he actually. I don't know, he didn't really do anything. He gave people beer when they had a. They had a long journey and they needed beer, and he gave them beer.

Jack: Nobody's ever needed beer. They wanted beer. They really wanted beer.

Cristina: They have survived without the beer. They're gonna die.

Jack: I feel like a larger number of them died because beer would dehydrate them way sooner.

Cristina: Well, they feel like he saved their life with his beer. Maybe his beer was of magic. Magic beer that kept them alive through the long journey.

Jack: So St. Nick can't be the saint of beer because this one time a different saint killed a bunch of people with beer.

Cristina: They're both the saints of beer. Wait, did we say.

Jack: No, St. Nick is the saint of children in barrels.

Cristina: In barrels and barrels in barrels. And. And he's saying, oh, brewers, not beer. The people who make the beer. It's totally different.

Jack: So that's to say that saints aren't the saint of all things related to the subject.

Cristina: Yes, I guess. I don't know.

Jack: Like, you don't pay pray to St. Nick when you want beer. You only pay to St. Nick when you want the beer harvest to go well.

Cristina: Ah.

Jack: Or the people who make the beer to be fine.

Cristina: Do it right. Oh, yes.

Jack: Or to do it right.

Cristina: Maybe.

Jack: But if you're like, man, if I only had a beer, I pray to this guy.

Cristina: To Saint Arnuff. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Then there's Saint Farce, who's the saint of people with STDs.

Jack: The AIDS pandemic of the 80s when the government was driving around in bed handing people aids. The guy who was driving the truck.

Cristina: He had a magic spade to cut down trees. And then the place that he cut down the trees became his property.

Jack: And then he got AIDS on his property.

Cristina: No. And then he made a hospice, and he cured people by touching them inappropriately, Maybe. Except for women, because women were banned.

Jack: So he would jerk guys off, they would leave. Like, I feel better, I guess.

Cristina: He could heal blindness, leprosy, tumors, all by touch, including venereal diseases.

Jack: So he would jerk people into. He would jerk people healthy.

Cristina: He would jerk people healthy. I don't know. He was just touching them.

Jack: No women. I don't want my fingers up in anything. I want tight grips. And you will feel better.

Cristina: And they did.

Jack: And they did. He wasn't wrong. He was intuitive. Yeah. And they're like, I see the demons.

Cristina: Coming out, but why not women? Like, would his magic not work for women?

Jack: Why would he want to touch a woman? He clearly has a proclivity towards penises.

Cristina: Did God tell him to do that, though? Or he decided he dedicated his life.

Jack: To God and then jerk guys off? What's hard to understand?

Cristina: Okay, okay. Rupert walks with a limp because of a childhood injury. And his clothes is dirty and his face is dirty because he collects soot from the chimney when he comes down it. I guess he comes down in person. Then Santa Claus, I'm not sure. Like, he makes it clean. And then Santa comes down so he can look all pretty and red.

Jack: I think he just uses his chimney to kidnap children and by default cleans it.

Cristina: Not intentionally, but St. Nick is fine. He has to come down there. Like him, right? I don't know.

Jack: Does he magically come through?

Cristina: It depends on the story, I guess. There's two things that they do. Either they ask the children if they know their prayers, and if they do, they get rewarded. If they don't, they get punished. There's also a talent show that they might have to do, which if they perform well at dancing or singing, they get a present. If not, they get tortured.

Jack: That's f*****.

Cristina: Yeah. Yeah. But, like, that's better than being me and alive.

Jack: But it's like, what if you're an untalented kid but a great person? Too bad you die today.

Cristina: Yes. That's pretty much like either you had you were bad throughout the year, you performed badly in your dance, or you don't know your prayers, you're being punished.

Jack: Sounds about right. Sounds old testimony then.

Cristina: In Germany, St Nicholas has a partner named Bels Nickel. He is a man who wears fur which covers his entire body. But he's not an animal. He's just a person wearing fur. Entirely. I don't know. And sometimes he wears a mask with a long tongue. It sounds like a man dressed like a demon. I don't know. Instead of saying, he's a demon, he's just a man who dresses up like a monster, and he's the one that gives them coal if they're bad. I guess that's all he does. He's not as awesome as the other guy. He just dresses up in a furry coat and a weird mask. Also, there's another of St. Nicholas's companions servants. It's called Black Pete.

Jack: Was Black Pete a black guy?

Cristina: Yes. Yes, he was. How they like to portray him is a person wearing blackface, wearing exaggerating red lipstick and having a nappy wig with colorful clothing and golden earrings.

Jack: Is that how he's portrayed? Or is he actually just a white guy that lives as a black guy and hangs out with St. Nick?

Cristina: I'm not sure. It could be either or I don't think.

Jack: Is Santa just hanging out with a dude in permanent blackface?

Cristina: He might be, yeah. So his servant, Black Pete, what does he do? Oh, he also abuses the bad kids. Or he used to. He used to abuse them, but in recently they garrided the punishments and now he's become a friendly character.

Jack: He's PC now?

Cristina: Yeah, he's PC. And also people can't dress up as him anymore.

Jack: Black people can.

Cristina: I don't know, but that's. And the Christmas elves that we talked a bit about. Do I know anything about the Christmas elves? I can't remember. They come from Norse mythology and they're referred to as hidden folks because. I don't know, they like to hide. They're the guys that steal your socks, maybe. Are those elves?

Jack: I don't know. I think so.

Cristina: Oh, maybe.

Jack: No, I think those are leprechauns, actually. No, something like that.

Cristina: Wasn't it gnomes? People are really concerned about these elves, though.

Jack: So North Pole gnome. North Pole elves, leprechauns and gnomes are all kind of the same.

Cristina: They're all magical, tiny people.

Jack: Yeah, yeah.

Cristina: That Sansa was somehow able to enslave through a gamble with demons. In the medieval times, elves are seen as wicked and often linked with demons.

Jack: How connected with demons?

Cristina: I don't know. They're just often linked with demons. So demons gave Santa those elves? I think that makes sense. Elves are demons or those elves are demons. Yes. Also, there's a Christmas goat that Santa replaced in some country before St. Nicholas in Sweden. The. The Christmas. I guess the gift giver was the. Was given by a yol goat, which. Yol is another word for Christmas, I think.

Jack: Yole goat.

Cristina: The yole goat. Yes, the Christmas goat. So the Christmas goat is a pagan thing. Sometimes it's a man that has been turned into a goat man, but I like to imagine it as just a goat. The Christmas goat. In Finland, people still dress up as goats.

Jack: Fair enough. That makes sense.

Cristina: Yeah. He usually wears a warm red robe and a walking stick and travels in a sleigh pulled by a reindeer. But it doesn't fly. That reindeer doesn't fly. It's a real reindeer.

Jack: The goat isn't an animal like the reindeer, but rather the steerer of the sled that's connected to reindeer. Yes, he's a goat man.

Cristina: He's a goatman. But he's a Christmas. He could be a goat. He's just a really big. He's a were goat. He's a were goat. He's thought to be an ugly creature and he frightens children while some think of him as an invisible creature. What? No, he's a goat. It's just a goat. He's not an ugly creature. He's a goat looking creature. His goats aren't ugly. Goats are not ugly.

Jack: Yeah, they are.

Cristina: They are beautiful creatures. I think they're beautiful. So most people think Santa Claus is a combination of St. Nicholas and this Christmas goat because this Christmas goat was also giving gifts during the same time of year.

Jack: So people are assuming the St. Nicholas and this goat stories got merged and the Santa came to be.

Cristina: Yes, yes. Oh, yeah. Like the sleigh with the reindeer is the same as this. This goat.

Jack: So St. Nick did fusion, but instead of becoming a perfect, singular individual the size of one person, he got fat because he literally became the size of two people.

Cristina: Yes, he became the size of two.

Jack: People the size of a man with a goat.

Cristina: And the Christmas goat receives over 500,000 letters from over 200 countries every year. Most of the letters are from China, Poland and Italy. Wonder how they heard about the Christmas goat.

Jack: The Chinese believe in a Christmas goat.

Cristina: Yes, because reindeers come from Finland. So the Christmas goat must be more real than the Santa Claus if you go by reindeer. Where does Santa Claus live again? The North Pole. Are there deers there? Is that a fictional place?

Jack: The North Pole? There's not life there, I think.

Cristina: Oh, okay. Yeah. So there you go. Oh, yeah. And also, Santa Claus has a bunch of reindeers. I don't know if you know their names. I don't know where they came from. I guess it was from a catchy poem or song or something. And then everyone just fell in love with these reindeers.

Jack: What?

Cristina: The Santa Claus reindeers? I don't remember where they came from. All of their. His deers. There were eight. Now there's nine. I mean, now there's probably more than nine because they had children by now.

Jack: But he only keeps the originals enslaved.

Cristina: Ah, then there's Santa Claus, which is also a figure based on St Nicholas, which is also probably where we get Christmas Santa Claus from as well.

Jack: What does he do what's his deal?

Cristina: He's. For some reason, he's celebrated on the Same Day as St Nicholas. He's depicted as an elderly man with white hair and a full long beard, and he rides a white horse. He carries a big red book which records whether each kid has been naughty or nice in the past year.

Jack: So there might be a group of people that work to create the illusion of Santa Claus.

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: Like, it's a team effort. It's not one dude. It's planning and Monday.com.

Cristina: Yes. There's like four main dudes, a bunch of different helpers, some horses, some reindeers.

Jack: They got transport. They got like planned out ice so that people could get in and out of houses. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I'm a slide down the chimney. There's gonna be a tree to the left. You gotta disable the laser alarm system.

Cristina: Which one of them does that? The goat.

Jack: The one who cleans the chimney. Which one clean?

Cristina: Oh, servant Rupert.

Jack: So Rupert's gonna clean the chimney on his way down.

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: And he's gonna cut the wires on the alarm system.

Cristina: Okay.

Jack: And then Santa Claus is gonna follow behind while Rupert keeps everybody distracted. Well, the other guys are in the microphone and the goat is waiting. He's the getaway driver. He's in the sled on. He's on the sled on top of the house waiting for Santa Claus and Rupert to get back so they can dart.

Cristina: All right, and what is Belsnickel doing?

Jack: Who the f*** is Belsnickel?

Cristina: He's the man in the furry wearing fur.

Jack: Oh, the one who eats the children?

Cristina: No, he's not the one that eats the children. The one that eats the children is servant Rupert.

Jack: Because that's what. That's what's happening here. Dudes going in, kidnapping kids. There. Some of the kids are in the bag. So they leave gifts. They kidnap children. Yes, Kids are in the bag. Off to the next place they keep. They got a cage, I guess, or something so they can take the trade off. Is a bunch of people get some material things. But we kill a couple of kids.

Cristina: Yes.

Jack: And so our operation functions.

Cristina: Ah, but we keep it a secret by decorating it as a. We're giving good children.

Jack: Yes.

Cristina: That's what today's about.

Jack: And then people are outside. Exactly. Because then people are like the. The. The child trafficking market is so booming and dangerous. How dare they?

Cristina: Worse on Christmas.

Jack: It's worse on. Christ knows why. Meanwhile, Santa Claus is everywhere on Christmas, kidnapping kids left and right. Man. Was he who Qanon Is fighting.

Cristina: Qanon is fighting.

Jack: Qanon is trying to beat Santa Claus. That's the truth here.

Cristina: But is QAnon one person?

Jack: The agent that is known as Q is.

Cristina: Oh, okay. And the QAnon is the cult. Oh, okay. Versus Santa and Nick.

Jack: And versus the the Santa. Santa Claus conglomerate. Santa Claus, which include immortal Saint Nick.

Cristina: How do you beat that?

Jack: Because Santa Claus is like Drake. Like Drake, people are like Drake the Rapper, but Drake is a team of people. His name is Andre. Or it's like Billie Eilish. Billie Eilish the person? No, no. Billie Eilish might be her name, but it's a group. It's two people.

Cristina: Yeah.

Jack: So Santa Claus is bunch of people. St. Nick is who we're thinking about. Yes, but it's Krampus and this douche and that other douche. And a magical goat and a child eater and some dude beating the people Christmas.

Cristina: But I forgot. I don't remember anything about him. I just know his name is Father Christmas.

Jack: He's who they're bringing the kids home for.

Cristina: No, I guess he's the. He's doing what again?

Jack: He's a ringleader.

Cristina: He's a ringleader. Father Christmas.

Jack: Father Christmas. We have the face. St. Nick. But there's somebody giving orders.

Cristina: I thought Santa Claus was the face.

Jack: I could have sworn you were about to say I thought Sonic was. Sonic is the face of Christmas.

Cristina: Okay, so Sonic is helping Santa Claus. Is he on that sleigh? Is he?

Jack: I mean, how does he hit every house?

Cristina: Exactly. Sonic is involved in this. How is he still alive? His games.

Jack: Immortality. Saint Sonic.

Cristina: Saint Sonic. Oh, my God.

Jack: He was always selfless and he made impressive things happen.

Cristina: Oh, my God.

Jack: I think he qualifies.

Cristina: All right. We're saying that he's Santa.

Jack: We're saying he's a saint.

Cristina: He's a saint.

Jack: Saint Sonic.

Cristina: Saint Sonic. Okay, well, that was beautiful. I feel like we learned a lot today for nothing at all.

Jack: That was fantastic. We're definitely out of time, though. Okay, but that was a very educational moment where we learned that Santa Claus is kind of like Drake. There's a bunch of people working to make it function. There's a couple of psychotic saints that seem to have nothing to do with their ability. St. Nicholas is the saint of children in barrels, which we previously established.

Cristina: You made him that.

Jack: Pickled children.

Cristina: You made him that.

Jack: And so if you guys like this conversation, there are many more of that nature. You can be way more educated by going to last year's Christmas episode as well. So you can have a couple of nice episodes to check out in this holiday season. Grab this episode, grab one more episode from the past, put them together, play them back to back, and understand Saint Nick, the Saint of Barrels and children.

Cristina: Okay.

Jack: Anyways, to learn more, you can find other episodes discussing holidays and last year's Christmas episode as well at the official website, greatthoughts.info, apple Podcasts, Spotify, and anywhere you get your podcasts.

Cristina: And you can reach us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Twitter and TikTok. Uscombopod.

Jack: Yes. And remember to subscribe and rate the show and review it if you feel so inclined.

Cristina: And let someone who might like this show know about it.

Jack: Word of the mouth, the most powerful tool you will have at your disposal. You just whisper to somebody, hey, you wanna listen to a show? And they'll be like, yeah, I do. And then you sit peacefully together with some food and snacks and everything goes well.

Cristina: Yeah.

Jack: Then you thank them and you're like, thanks, man, I enjoyed this. And they're like, thank you for telling me about it.

Cristina: Now let's subscribe and rate and review. This has been the Just Conversation podcast. Take nothing personal and thanks for listening.

Jack: Bye.

Cristina: Boxing Day. I don't know what that is, but that's a holiday somewhere.

Jack: Boxing Day.

Cristina: Yeah, I think they put the idea is to donate stuff to the homeless people by putting the stuff in a box.

Jack: Oh, you mean like Mike Tyson has nothing to do with this holiday?

Cristina: No, no, I don't think so.

Jack: It's not like Mike Tyson's favorite holiday is Boxing Day.

Cristina: Maybe he loves putting things in boxes and doing it to homeless.

Jack: You sure it's not that he's boxing on this holiday? Like boxers all come out and box.

Cristina: Beat up on the homeless.

Jack: Yeah, maybe.

Cristina: I don't know anything about. Good morning. The Just Conversation podcast is hosted by Christina Collazo and Jack Thomas, produced by Lynn Taylor and published by greatthoughts.info art by Zero Lupo and logo by Seth McCallister with social media managed by Amber Black.