I am all

I am terrible at seeing your side
or letting you know when you're right
my mood swings are off the charts
and I can always pick a fight
I never want to admit I'm wrong
or really let you in
I can find your fault in anything
but still I don't feel like I win
I decide when I can deal with you
even when I can't
I let myself deflect until all the s*** I couldn't take mentally caves me in
I have panic attacks that I know you can't stand
rather than not being able to breathe I wish I could scream
I have three different inhalers
white red blue annoying for you I know the red one always did the trick
if I waited too long to use it I'd instantly get sick
I know you thought I could help it I would have them on purpose a liar
when you'd go to leave to do your all night running and hiding my mind and chest in cahoots would set fire
I would call or text but a response never came
better things to do other people to see you were losing your balance getting too wrapped up in the game
my self-confidence depleted by the smallest of action
my trust issues grew and my soul caught in unsatisfaction
I can smile and laugh but at this time it was suffocating
my thoughts kept spinning it was me you were evading
affection is a broad when someone is in a relationship
I felt like I had to ask for it like water in a sinking ship
I am needy persistent annoying and loud
I just needed your attention not a 3 a.m. I'll be home or at least around
I would get too high and you kept feeding me more
if I was gacked out of my mind you could tend to your dope whores
I don't feel you f***** them all
but you gave them your attention
I was confused on why they got it so easy caught in a mind game of your affliction
I could not shake the feeling of I was inadequate but in what way
I let it consume me and still I can't say
so I got Hobbies that I actually enjoy doing
I picked up gardening expensive I know but it kept me in a busy state almost renewing
I get to ambitious and stress always does it
the log planter took 13 hours hammer and a crowbar I know I'm ridiculous
your help you couldn't spare until the project was almost through
I felt like you spit in my face until it convenienced you
I never fell under a must when I thought I needed help
a no was the response I constantly got
You taught me to be self-sufficient and what I've accomplished alone
I give myself props
I can really use a drill even though I said I couldn't
every man needs to feel like they have a purpose almost important
such a small task but I needed you in that moment
you would help on that quick job and I'd see a flicker of enjoyment
I know that sounds stupid but it made me happy
and reality back to you gnat I was either bitching or being too f****** sappy
then I got a spot that concerned me I assumed the worst
on my birthday the b**** practically sang herpes lacerations like it was the coarse put me on medication and destroyed my confidence then on you I waited for hours
I ended up with Mikaela trashed at the bar I remember thinking when I got home you Mike and Allan at the table you were a coward
When they finally left I was drunk and wanted to shower
you refused to take one with me
you had priorities off to mr. Phifer's
as for me 24 is a f***** time at any given point
I thought I surpass cancer but whoops once wasn't enough in the joint
I had to watch my child understand my results weren't good she said very concerning
we got back into the car to you talking s*** taunting me because you could
not to open up is what I was learning
I will never forget what you said because you're my epitome of Destruction what faith
your cancer is back huh well at least you don't have herpes I told you b**** like I was just some wasted space
I never brought it up again
because you never asked
nothing with me falls under serious to you because I'm always at your leisure
you're human flask
I can keep everything in line and write down every date
I spent hours alone stuck in my head fighting the inevitable fate
biopsy done and results are back now you want to ask but with attitude
I feel your answer is life teaching gratitude
I hope when it's relevant you think back to this
remember after 10 years we've been through the most
but it's the old Dallas I'll miss
I know I'm too much and I'm always being extra
but when a mistress isn't involved that's the me you fell in love with
I forgive you for being insensitive even though you never apologized
I know I care too much and worry about things that seem irrelevant
my anxiety would Peak and I didn't know how to accept the Fate that was meant
I would defend you in your absence even when you were being unfaithful
your actions are beside the point because of who I am as a person
when a guy told me I was with a b**** because I was the one working overtime I was infuriated
our daughter was able to sleep in her own bed that has no price and I don't get why people find that overrated
I really am a simple person
I just have some issues I need to address I allowed your actions to affect my everyday life
my emotions came out
sporadic really a mess
I tried to love you the best I can but that would never work
the Damage Done has left deep ruts that only drugs could perk
I know they made us unmanageable to say the least
but 10 years later here we are same place still with the same problems that won't seize
Though I have to say I never thought we'd get as low as the last 6 months that just happened
I've held a gun less times in my life then you've pointed toward me over nonsense
I believed you when you said you are either going to kill me or yourself
f***** my mind up I slept for 3 days didn't realize it but I needed help
I allowed you to manifest deep in my thoughts and I was insane
I would almost be over you and you'd show up knowing I couldn't resist the fact that I love you
you'd stay the night or I'd end up in your shower naked
not caring about my anger
just for you to leave and told me to stay in my Lane
you know I try to keep myself balanced like the world upon its axis then I start to panic
I am stuck in an acmastic chaos and I can't mask it
I know I hold grudges and I should let a lot of s*** go
as a result my trust is filaceous
I'm keeping myself low
I can second-guess everything you say call you on your b*******
you can deny the clear sky is blue say I don't know s*** I'm just f****** crazy
we both know I've become acor when it comes to us really you
every time I leave I break my own heart you've never been man enough to admit you thrown in the towel detached your heart
I know you aren't in love with me and haven't been for a long time
I know the acognosia of us always leads right back to break down these lines
I accept you for who you are
but I can't accept what you've let yourself become
I know you laid-back funny and so outgoing
You've Lost That my Willie D it's gone
Your smile infectious when you let emotion show
your charisma is there
I see it just a little lost and low
I know that look because I've dwindled down to the same
today I can admit Makenna not knowing it Save Me From Myself
you were in our bed asleep and her the same
I took your little gun to the bathroom and made my soul agree
you'd both be happier without a miserable b**** like me
it was loaded cocked unlocked and pressed to the bottom of my chin
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in that's when Makenna stepped in
I had the door locked but you get what I'm saying
she mumbled Mommy I have to potty and I didn't even notice my tears silently streaming
Paralyzed I couldn't breathe I managed to open the door
and in that moment I couldn't fathom what she'd do without me as her mother
I work a lot and my patience is low
but I am very consistent and love her without a doubt you know
I wish I could say that's the only time
but the last six months has tried my soul more than obliged
but I am resilient even more so since you made it to where I have to be
your irrational actions get stuck like cement don't you see
I know your train will roll on through leaving bitterness on my tongue
you are the one that's going to be gone everything that you will miss
I know your soul is searching for a new one to ride this bit
Please don't think you can have a b**** and turn to me when she decides to jump the ship
if she doesn't good for you
just know this
I am replaceable absolutely I am
but I am Unforgettable in ways you could never replace
you will see me in places that you least expect without my presence
dates on the calendar you'll randomly remember
songs will play and there I'll creep to your thoughts it'll make no sense
every failure loss disappointment and painful Cain sent moment for far too long even everything wrong
everything you wish you could forget condensed and shoved away for you is all I am
Whitney

By Whitney Kitchen