I've Stopped Running for Student Council President

It may be 30 years too late,

But I have stopped running for Student Council President.

My first official act of withdrawal--

Removing myself from social media.

Good-bye to the guy who tried to cheat off my exams in 8th grade math class,

Good-bye to my college roommate’s ex-girlfriend who I couldn’t stand then or now,

Good-bye to the overbearing colleague who I shared an office with at my first job,

Good-bye to the real estate agent who helped me find a summer rental at the beach in 2007,

Good-bye to my Mom’s second cousin Joseph who is transitioning to Joanne and has terrible grammar,

Good-bye to my stockbroker who is trying way too hard to be involved in my life,

Good-bye to the runner from my high school cross-country team who beat me by 10 seconds in the final race of Senior year,

Good-bye to the spouse of my child’s first grade teacher,

Good-bye to the barista at the coffee shop I went to before it was replaced by a massage parlor,

Good-bye to the C-level professional wrestler who eats worms and accepted my friend request,

Good-bye to my former research assistant who left the job to travel the world 5 years ago and is never coming back,

Good-bye to my friend Patricia’s dog Smelly,

Good-bye to that crazy college friend who knew everything about drinking and venereal diseases.

Good-bye to my children, I don’t need to follow you on social media when we live in the same house.

Good-bye to the old me, Student Council President.

By John Johnson

From: United States