Hello . . .

Please press . . .

————

Ting ,ding, ding, buzz . . . “Welcome! Thank you for calling Multi-Maga Services Amalgamated. This call may be recorded for security purposes. Para escuchar este mensaje en español, presione #dos . . . a pause, then . . . Your call is very important to us. . . Are you calling about a current account, Press #1. If you’re calling about billing, please press #3. If you’re calling about a service failure, please press #4. if you’re calling about service locations near you, please press #5. If you would like to start a new account, please press #6. If you need to speak to an agent, please press #7”.

I press #7.

“I’ll need your 32-digit code security number before I can connect you to an agent. Please enter your 32-digit security code from your phone”. (I futility explain to the machine that I don’t have a security code). “I’m sorry, I’m not seeing your 32-digit security code. Would you like to go back to the main menu? If so, please press . . .”.

Frustrated, I beg, “I want an agent, an agent, an agent! I want to talk to a human being”! “I’m sorry sir. I don’t understand. Would you like to talk to an agent”? Yes, yes, yes, I would like to talk to an agent! “Please enter your 32-digit security code from your phone“. . . Sorry, I’m not seeing your 32-digit security code, would you like to go back to the main menu”?

Defeated, I hang up.

How much business is damaged by impenetrable automatic answering programs. I’m sure the damage is a lot more than companies know about, because there is no way to know about disgruntled customers that were never allowed to speak to an actual human representative.

I think the problem is getting worse. It seems to me that in the earlier years of automatic answering programs it was easier to override the machine by pressing, #, *, or 0. That’s rarely offered these days. I wonder why. Maybe robots don’t like talking to humans. Humans speak so vaguely, in such fuzzy half-completed thoughts. Really nothing computable. Nothing like the precision of numbers. Nothing like a good ‘ole chain of zeros and ones.

Mmm, wait a minute, robots don’t think. Maybe the problem is with the programmers.

No, that can’t be it. A chain of zeros and ones can get you to a real human just as easily as to any other subset of digital complications the program is programed with. What then?

I don’t know.

Three dreary possibilities come to mind:

1. Big Business has decided that customers who have a problem that isn’t on their standard

menu aren’t worth bothering with - not cost effective - to hell with them.

2. Big Business doesn’t know about the problem because they never call their own companies.

3. Not enough customers have complained publicly about the problem.

It’s a sad situation. I hope someone reading this will work on a solution.

Hello . . .

By K. L. Shipley

Website: http://www.eclecticessayys.com