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Make Mom Happy

212/365

I’m just a kid scared, confused
Life isn’t fair, shit
Watchin’ cartoons tryna tune out while dodgin’ hits
Gettin’ punished when I toon out tryna have fun and shit
Refuse to be a nuisance
And I don’t know what I did to deserve this
Just want you to smile but I don’t know if it’s worth it
Didn’t curse or misbehave to be being treated this way
But in my mind it plays in such a way that it states this is how you’re happy
So I take it and stay quiet, whether or not its maddening
Let you do what you will even though inside I’m dyin
Tryna fight the monster in my head lyin’ tellin’ me this isn’t right
Tryna fight back cryin’ so she won’t give me a “real reason” to have tears in my eyes
I love you mom, and why not take a hit for the team if it makes you feel alright while seein’ me
You need a punching bag to diffuse
And getting home to deal with me is a problem when you’re too young not knowin what to do
I’m sorry I decided to be born, I don’t when or how I chose to do it
If I did I would undo it so you wouldn’t have to go through it dealing with a fool like me
Your mind would be at ease if I could rid the world of the disease I seem to be
The rage in your eyes when you see me is hypnotizing and I know it has to do with my being around
If only it was possible I could be source of your happiness but all I bring is misery
This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be
The kids at school are loved by their moms and dads because they’re good kids
Nice kids, and if they do something wrong they’re aware of what it is and I guess they change it
It’s not this way for me though
I’m nothin’ but trouble, I know because I see how mom gets and I’m always the reason for it
Too stupid to know what I did wrong, although I’ve been tryin to understand all along
My capacity must be too small to comprehend what someone so big and tall deals with
But there is a solution
If I run away or kill myself mom wouldn’t have to come home to me
She’d be happy, she loves everyone I’ve seen in a casket
Maybe that’s how to make her proud
None of them have ever been loud
They don’t appear to me like cowards
And people gather to speak about how proud they were to know the dead
And what is death anyway if not a fun box to play in
Mom says the pills kill so I swallowed the whole bottle and hid under the table for some hours