The Pirate Joke

I was hanging out with the Queen of England, right, and I tell her. “Hey, Ellie!” I call her “Ellie”, you know, since we’re best buds and all.

I tell her, “Have you ever heard the pirate joke?”

And she says, “Yes, don’t do this again! It’ll be like the hundredth time! Go away, I have important things to do.”

I knew she was kidding, “Okay, cool! So, it goes like this!”

“Jack, please don’t!”

I tell Ellie, the captain is in a deep slumber in his quarters when the first mate comes through the door. He’s frantic! The captain wakes and is told of an emergency.

“Why are you doing this?” Ellie asks, “What have I done to you?”

The captain asks what the emergency is and is told there is a ship on the horizon ready to engage them.

“Why? Come on! Please don’t. You’ve done this every day for three weeks. Enough is enough!” She says being funny.

The captain sprints up telling the first mate to gather the men at their stations and get him his red shirt.

“Jack, if you continue to do this I will call the guards on you. I’ll have you arrested!” Ellie’s face was pink from blushing. She’s such a kidder. She couldn’t hide the fact that she wanted to hear the rest of the joke. Her eyes don’t lie.

The first mate is confused, but he does as the captain says.

Ellie races to the door to lock it so no one would interrupt the joke, “What the hell?” She said when she realized I already locked it considering she might want to later. I tell her it was put when I entered the room. Her face goes pale with anticipation for the punchline.

After a long day of battle they’ve finally won and sunken the enemy ship. The first mate, still confused, comes into the captain’s quarters, curious. The captain asks what’s on his mind, the first mate tells him he has a question. He tells him he will never question an order, but why did he request a red shirt?

“HELP! HELP!” Ellie’s so funny. She was trying to make a joke while I was making a joke, she’d forgotten I was speaking. I gave her a look that said “Silly, I’m still talking!” and she went silent to listen. “Don’t hit me!” she said when I smacked a tiny fly out of the air.

The captain tells the first mate that if he’d gotten hurt during the battle, the blood wouldn’t show and the men wouldn’t be discouraged from fighting on.

“Please, Jack! I beg you. Please don’t. Just, stop… Please? Don’t do this!” Ellie was starting to get annoying. I get that she was making a joke, but she was also interrupting mine. So I tightly hug her and told her that after I was done she’d have a chance to do the same thing! She wouldn’t have to worry about not being able to tell me the joke.

The first mate says he understands, praises the captain for his genius and continues his night as usual.

The next day comes by.

“AHH! AHH! HELPP! AHHH, ANYONE!” Ellie starts to scream, and scream and yell because she didn’t want to wait her turn. In her frustrated fit she tripped and hit her eye, bruising it and turning it black and blue. When she fell her interest in telling her joke was lost. She sat to hear the end of mine.

The first mate rushes in the room like the day before, busting through the door. He tells the captain there is another emergency. The captain tells him to spit it out and the first mate tells of twenty ships on the horizon ready to engage. The captain sprints up and tells the first mate to take the men to their battle stations and bring him his brown pants!

Ellie’s face was wet with tears from how funny the joke was. Her face was twisted up as if she’d licked a lemon. “BROWN PANTS, ELLIE! DID YOU HEAR THAT” I can barely breathe, the joke was too funny to handle. Ellie and I were having a great time. Her bruised eye didn’t look too bad. I told her to put makeup on it and no one would notice she’d even fallen. She told me she knew that trick, she used it the day before for the other eye. She tripped then too while I was telling her a joke I came up with.

“Thanks for listening, Ellie!” I tell her as I wipe tears of laughter from her eyes. I tell her the joke is between the two of us. She shouldn’t tell anyone else about it. After helping her cover the bruised eye and assuring her we weren’t telling anyone, I unlock the door and continue my day as usual.

The best part is that I thought up this really funny joke I want to tell her today! She’s going to love it!