Wardle Stuebner and the Schoolmarm

My name’s Wardle Stuebner, and I once shared a stagecoach with the meanest schoolmarm you ever saw. She sure didn't look like trouble at first, I mean she worn,t one of them neat bonnets that tied in front, hands folded all polite like on her lap amd sitting up ramrod straight. But by the time the smoke cleared, two old boys was tied up, and I had to ride three days out of my way to avoid explaining the whole mess to anybody.

Well sir this here is my story best as I can remember it jest as it happened cause I wouldnt lie about a thing like that,It all started on the trail back from Ellsworth, Kansas. I’d just spent sixty days on a cattle drive that had me feel,n older, uglier, and in sore need of a bath. I was headed south trying to get home to the Bar-T Ranch, Ya see I’ll gotten drunk and mixed up in a fight back at the saloon.I had cracked one or two heads before the town’s sheriff stepped in and hauled me off to jail for a few days to sobber up and cool down. Well the ranch hands as well as Mr.Taylor left without me and I’ll be doggone if they didn't take my horse with them. I was standing out in front of the stage office looking like a lost puppy and that I didn't know which end was up. While the stagecoach headed for Abilene was loading the driver a tall feller with a face full of whiskers, waved me over.after spitting a mouth full of tobacco juice out he said I looked lost and that he had room of one more if I didn’t mind sharing Now, I’ve learned one thing from a life spent in the saddle and more than a few one horse towns. You never know what kind of company you’re going to run into; Could be a Bible tot-n drummer, could be a snake oil peddler, could be someone who thinks both them things are about the same. After I hand over two bits I climbed up into that coach and found three sets of eyes already staring at me.

The first was a banker type,a portly fellow with a ruddy face.I figured If-n he gained a pound all them buttons on his fancy vest would pop off. The second was the schoolmarm. Her dark eyes were sharp enough to cut leather. The third was a pinched faced skinny feller with a hawk billed nose,He had a hat brim so wide you could’ve used it for shade at a Sunday go to meeting picnic. We nodded all polite like at each other and I settled in next to the Banker thinking it’ll be a quiet ride.One thing about a stagecoach is riding in a wooden box with wheels it’ll shake your innards plum out and the dust is worse than on a cattle drive.

Now I was wrong about that quiet ride by about twenty minutes or so. We was barely past a patch of cottonwood and scrub oaks when the driver reined up hard. The stage jerked to a stop throwing the four of us around. I ended up face down next to the school marm. A gruff sounding voice from outside called, “Lesson up everybody keep calm, and nobody gets hurt!”

Now I ain’t the calmest man when other folks start making outlandish rules. Just ask them fellers back at the saloon. So I stuck my head out the window to see what was going on. Two young scruffy looking fellas stood in the middle of the road, faces half-hidden by dirty bandanas, holding pistols like they wasn’t exactly sure which end did the shooting.That’s when the schoolmarm let our a long sigh.I reckon she was just plum put out as she reached into her handbag. She didn’t pull out no pistol mind you, though in hindsight that would’ve been a much less dangerous thing . Nope,She fetched out a black-handled ruler, the kind schoolmarms use to whack knuckles and set it across her knees like a gunslinger laying out his gun.The banker had a shocked look about him as he stared at her. The skinny cowpoke blinked at her. Heck I just sat there trying to figure out how she was a gonna outgun two armed bandits with twelve inches of mean looking hard wood.

One of them would be outlaws yanked opened the stage door, eyes darting nervously. “Alright folks,” he said, voice sounding like a school boy in church, “Hand over your money nice and easy like.”The schoolmarm leaned forward, peered over her spectacles staring at him with those dark eyes she spoke in the slow, cold voice of a woman who’s been teaching rowdy younguns for twenty years or more, “Young man, what is your name?”That froze him for a bit. My best guess would be stagecoach rubbers ain't used to being questioned like that. “Uh… Billy.”he answered.“William,” she corrected. “Does your mother know you’re out here doing this kind of shenanigans ?”The other outlaw standing just behind Billy looked away for a second as he shifted on his feet.and said “Lady, we’re robbing you now just shut up and hand over all your cash.”

That’s when the ruler came up in a blur and whacked Billy across the knuckles so hard his pistol went flying into the dust. He yelped like he had just stepped on a bunch of cactus. The cowpoke setting beside her let out a laugh before he could stop himself, and the banker slumped way down in the seat.The second outlaw panicked waving his pistol at us. “Don’t move!” he bellowed in his high pitched voice.The schoolmarm leaned forward the ruler still in hand, her eyes cold as steel. “Drop it, or I’ll make certain you can’t hold a gun for a week.” Them two stared at each other like it was a mexican stand off. Now, I ain’t say-n it was her tone or the fact Billy was still hopping around shaking his hand, but that second would be bandit dropped his pistol without a fight.The driver who had been watching all this grabbed a rope from under his seat and tie them two up. That’s where I should’ve let the law take over. But me being me, I remembered that the sheriff in Abilene owed me money from a card game and I weren't too keen on finding myself on the wrong end of an argument about it. So, I made a little side deal with the schoolmarm .A deal that led me into a whole other mess involving a saloon, a missing shipment of gold, and a man claiming to be the governor’s nephew. I reckon the Bar-T Ranch and Mr Taylor will have to wait

for a little while longer/Heck my Pa always said that” If it weren't,t for no brains I wouldn't have none at all. So I reckon I'll see ya down the road a bit.

By Dave Painter

From: United States

Instagram: davepainterphotoghohy