One True Self

Jack followed his new manager the office. His manager Derek introduced the new starter to his staff with his usual cutting remarks that he thinly disguised as jokes or banter. As he approached another desk he jerked a thumb. The man had thick ginger hair and reading glasses perched on the end of his thin nose. He glanced up from his paperwork as they approached. He quickly looked away.

‘This is Howard Self. He’s our answer to the forty year old virgin.’

‘I’m thirty five.’ muttered Howard.

‘Have you got a girlfriend, Jack?’

‘I’m engaged, actually.’

‘Howard’s never been near a bird.’

Howard said nothing but his cheeks burned red with embarrassment.

‘This is Jack. He’ll be working on the new trainee scheme.’

Howard merely nodded.

‘Come on, Jack. I’ll introduce you to the rest of the staff.’

That lunchtime his now workmates showed Jack to the office canteen. What they referred to as a canteen was actually little more than a large kitchen. Along the counter at one end were kettles and microwaves. The rest of the room was filled with dining tables and chairs. The tables were full of colleagues chatting and eating. The air was thick with the aromas of soups, chilli’s and curries. The microwave pinged every few minutes as another meal was ready.

Jack noticed Howard sitting alone in one corner. He chewed on a sandwich and was engrossed in the pages of a thick hardback book. He seemed so alone in the packed room. Intrigued by how much of an outsider the guy seemed Jack headed towards him. His manager put a hand on his arm. He shook his head.

‘I’d leave him to Charles Dickens, mate. Howard doesn’t bother with people. I dunno if he’s shy or what but you won’t get much out of him. He’s a bit odd if you ask me.’

Jack nodded. He found a place at a table and joined a group chatting about last night’s reality television.

The following Saturday night the twenty four year old Jack was on a lad’s night out in Manchester city centre. They had all been given a ‘pass’ by girlfriends, fiancées, and wives. They were all looking forward to a night of drink, drugs and gambling. The group of ten had started at one end of Deansgate and worked their way down the road. They stopped at every bar, club and strip joint on the way.

Just before midnight, with the world feeling nicely, drunkenly squishy, they headed for the casino. Jack rubbed in hands together in anticipation. Time for a bit of blackjack, roulette and then, if he had any cask left he’d finish on the flashing slot machines. The group drifted in different directions once inside the casino. It was unsaid but they would gradually get back together when they had spent up on the tables and machines of their choice. Jack wandered past the tables wondering where to spend his money. He spotted a crowd of people gathered round one of the poker tables. He went over to see what was going on. He gave a guy watching the poker game a nudge.

‘What’s up?’

‘H is on fire tonight. He always puts on a good show. People come just to watch him play.’

Jack looked at the player causing all the fuss. He wore an expensive dark suit, white shirt open at the collar to reveal a gold chain. A thick gold bracelet dripped from his wrist. He fidgeted with the gold ring on his little finger. He looked like a cross between a Bond villain and Tony Soprano. His thick ginger hair was slicked back. An oceanic confidence oozed from him. Jack thought he recognised him but couldn’t think from where. Maybe he was a local celebrity or perhaps he’d seen him in the casino before.

A waitress placed a glass of whiskey beside the player. She stroked his arm.

‘There you go, Howard.’

Jack swore in surprise. That was Howard? The office geek and butt of everyone’s jokes was some kind of hero to those gathered watching the poker game. A few of the other players folded. Only Howard and another player remained. Howard grinned. He grabbed a stack of poker chips. He tossed them casually into the middle of the table. All eyes turned to the other player. The man in his early twenties shifted in his seat, uncomfortable with the pressure. He shook his head. He threw his cards down on the table.

As Howard scooped up his winnings he spoke to the other player.

‘You shouldn’t have folded, mate. You gotta take life by the balls.’

Still grinning Howard left to cash his chips.

Jack found him at the bar.

‘Alright, Howard? Didn’t think this was your kind of place.’

‘Hey Jack.’ beamed Howard.

He shook Jack firmly by the hand. The warmth and easy confidence coming from him was in complete contrast to the cold exterior he had in the office.

Howard waved a hand. The barman brought over two whiskeys. Jack noticed that Howard did not pay for the drinks. Jack was puzzled. Did Howard have a tab with the casino or did he get drinks on the house? Jack couldn’t help thinking that with his enigmatic colleague anything was possible.

A few minutes later Howard nodded to a group of serious looking men who had just entered. The men had a threatening, dangerous air about them. Howard straightened his suit cuffs.

‘I’ll see you around, mate. I’ve got a bit of business to take care of.’

Jack watched as his colleague, a man he’d dismissed as a loser, disappeared with the shady group. Still confused by the difference in him at work and outside of the office, Jack went to find his friends.

On Monday morning Jack went into the office canteen to make a cup of tea. Howard, mug in hand, was just leaving.

‘Morning, H.’ said Jack. ‘Have you spent all your winnings yet?’

‘Good morning.’ Howard mumbled.

He left the room without another word.

Every time Howard bumped into Jack he ignored him. Jack was still shocked at the difference in him. The energy, the confident swagger, the charisma, just wasn’t there. At lunchtime he hardly looked up from his classic literature. This was just so at odds with the gambling man with dubious friends he’d met on Saturday.

The following Saturday night Jack went to the casino again. He went alone as none of his friends were up for a night out. Perhaps he would get even closer to Howard and find out more about the elusive character. Jack grabbed a beer and went to find Howard. Swigging his pint he wandered from room to room, table to table in search of his workmate.

There was no sign on him. Jack was disappointed. He was eager to dig a little deeper and he’d been certain that he would find him in here.

Jack shrugged. He downed the last of his pint. Oh well, he would grab a few pints around town and pick up a kebab on the way home. He pushed through the double doors of the casino. Out on the pavement he rummaged in his coat for a cigarette. As he took a long drag he heard a commotion. Sounded like it was kicking right off. Jack strolled over to check it out. A man in a suit was giving some poor sod a right going over. He had his victim by the collar, blood trickled from his nose. In the streetlamp glow the victim raised his hands, half defending himself, half pleading.

‘I’ll get you the money, Howard, I swear.’

Howard drew back his fist. Jack couldn’t believe what he was seeing. His workmate slammed heavy, hard punches into the guy’s face. He let go of his collar. The guy crumpled to the pavement. Laving the man bleeding in a heap Howard walked away into the night.

Jack followed after him. He called out.

‘What was all that about?’ Jack asked.

‘The wanker owes me money. Come on, I need a drink.’

Ten minutes later they were drinking whiskey cocktails in the VIP section of an exclusive club. Howard was welcomed into the club like he was a film star of a premier league footballer. People flocked to him. Men shook his hand, patted him on the back. Woman hugged him and pecked him on the cheek. He was treated with such respect and admiration. Jack also sensed that people were afraid of him. Drinks were given on the house. Howard merely nodded in reply. Some shady characters shook his hand and mumbled in his ear. Howard seemed to have some authority.

Jack followed Howard to the gents toilet. He was not surprised to find the alternative Howard snorting drugs. Howard gave Jack a wild grin. He offered the power to him. Jack shrugged, why not?

Again at work the following week Howard was quiet and introverted. Jack knew what to expect this time. When he passed his desk instead of trying to engage Howard in conversation Jack simply smiled to himself. As well as enjoying the nights out he also liked having the secret friendship with Howard. He knew the other side of the book-reading nerd his colleagues mocked mercilessly. Jack tried not to think about the violence he’d seen Howard dish out to the poor feller who owed him money.

In a club that weekend Jack finally asked Howard the question that had been on his mind for weeks.

‘Why are you so different at work? You come across like such a geek. And yet here we are drinking cocktails and having a laugh. You’re like two different people.’

Howard jabbed a finger at him.

‘Never let anyone see the real you. That’s the secret. Don’t be an open book.’

‘But which is the real you? Is it the poker player, off his face on Charlie, or is it the book worm?’

‘That, my friend, is a very good fucking question.’

One night as they entered a bar Howard pointed to a man across the room. The colour drained from the man’s face. He looked terrified. He turned and sprinted for the exit. He pushed people out the way in utter panic.

‘What’s his problem?’

‘He owes me money.’

‘I’m sure you’d give him a bit more time, if he needed it.’

Howard stared at him. His expression was suddenly serious, almost threatening.

‘If you owe money, you pay, one way or another.’

Jack shivered. He wondered just how far Howard would go. He suddenly seemed like a very dangerous person. Jack downed the last of his whiskey. He told Howard he was getting off. He made an excuse about having to get an early night as he’d promised his fiancée he’d take her out for the day.

On the tram home that night Jack decided he’d had enough of Howard. Curiosity had led him to become close to the enigmatic character but now he was sure there was something sinister about him. Goodness knew what he was capable of. He shook his head. He was done with him. The guy was clearly unhinged. It wasn’t normal to be two different people. It was over. He would continue ignoring Howard at work and give the casinos a wide berth for a while.

A month later Jack’s fiancée handed him an envelope. She leaned in and pecked him on the cheek.

‘Happy birthday, babe.’

‘Aw, thanks, love.’

Jack opened the envelope. He stared at the contents in disbelief.

‘We’re going to Las Vegas?’

‘Yes. You’ve always wanted to go.’

‘But how can we afford it?’

‘Your friend Howard lent me the money.’

By Chris Platt

From: United Kingdom