Life: Awaiting the Scream

Note to A Friend:

You wonder why I asked you three times about how to find a place to do my shredding? Bags stuffed with insurance mail

and pound upon pound of the like? I dasn’t throw it away or

recycle it…identity theft, you know.

Plus, were I to toss it, the earth will be that much closer to irreversible destruction, thanks to my thoughtlessness. And, I read that most of what we contribute to the recycle bin is ultimately tossed, thereby destroying the earth thanks to yours truly.

So, I stuff all the unwanted, unnecessary paper the mail brings into bags and hide them away. But, I’m old and don’t want

my adult children to have to deal with it when, sooner than later, I depart this earth that I’ve single-handedly destroyed.

Yes, I could arrange for insurance mail to be delivered online but

that calls for yet another online form to be completed and

another password to be created and, somehow, remembered. So

I pass on that one, much as it does seem to be, in part at least, an answer to the dilemma. It’s all just too much. You suggest a

nearby shredding place and I, buried beneath a persistent mound of overwhelm, ask you to repeat the instructions - times three - so I can digest and retain the information.

And, you ask why I’ve been up since 4 AM? My mind endlessly

spinning on its disaster axis reminding me that should Social Security be dismantled as proposed, I would be completely without income. Zilch. Zero. Stuff that in your pillow and try to slip off into sweet slumber.

Then there’s the body breakdown with which to contend and the fear of where, inevitably, the journey of aging will take me while still on the planet - a street corner or an urine-reeking ward in a nursing home where nursing is actually the last and least service performed.

Finally, for this communique anyway, there’s the issue of my dear companion - my tv. The service that connects me with the channels that provide hours of assured semi-contentment.

My major and, I note, local channels are about to be dropped from my service. Why? Take your pick from the entirely different answers provided by whatever AT & T representative reached each time I summoned the energy to call because promises from my previous calls were not kept.

Whatever the cause of the robbery of these channels, I could get

them back with updated equipment at the price of a $400. installation! Or, even better, I could take advantage of the offer

of a free indoor antenna which they will overnight! Indeed I did accept this offer even though a neighbor remarked that it won’t work here in our valley! (I didn’t know I lived in a valley!) It’s been 3 days now and no delivery of said

antenna in sight. And, next week brings with it all the season premieres of my favorite shows. Which I will, no doubt, miss.

I must decide whether or not to switch services. But, what would that entail? More money than the exorbitant amount I shell out

now? Tons of channels I will never use?

Once again I find myself paralyzed. Holding my breath - hoarding the overwhelm of it all within. This is just a partial list of all over which, in life, I feel powerless.

First World problems? Certainly. But, they are my problems and what I face. I await the moment when the scream that is now holding back to finally break through, enabling me, at long last, to exhale the overwhelm. Until then, please be patient if I ask for repeat on helpful hints.

By Fran Pearce