How To Ruin Facebook Posts

Hard to believe, but there was a time when pictures of food were found only in cookbooks; when seeing snapshots of some relative’s vacation required a working slide projector; when videos of cats being adorable were the domain of America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Now, of course, we have social media. The Tweeting, the Instagramming, the SnapChatting and of course the Grand Poobah of Everybody Stop What You’re Doing and Look at Me!: MySpace.

Ah, the fortunes of the Interwebs. Of course I mean Facebook.

All the best features of the sophomore locker room, the community bulletin board, and an angry conversation with some stranger on the corner. If you’re like me, after the last election you don’t even check Facebook all that often—except when you have something especially wonderful to post. (I try to keep my wonderfulness down to a dozen posts a day, but I do have a really adorable child. Plus, I come up with, just, the best jokes ever.)

But in the interest of making this world a better place, and also because I have a vague notion that it will be funny, I scrolled through almost a decade of Facebook posts (aspirin, please) to bring you a comprehensive list of the ways that my Friends, well-meaning and otherwise, have completely ruined what I set out to do.

Before I get to the list, a Public Service Announcement: if you are one of those beloved Posters who Shares more than a dozen articles a day, every day, rain or shine…you need to stop. 

Do you realize that most of what you throw up (and I mean that in every sense of the word) on FB gets no comments or Likes whatsoever? That’s because nobody cares. We all have our own lives and opinions, and your Posts are the FB equivalent of email Spam. WE ARE NOT LISTENING TO YOU.

Seriously—I occasionally look at the list of people I’m Friends with but have Unfollowed, just to remind myself why. Two days ago, I checked in with one of my Friends, whom I Unfollowed the day the button became available (my eternal thanks, M Zuck), and looked at one twenty-four-hour period of her postings. Article after angry article after finger-pointing righteously indignant article. Plus some memes about how wonderful gardening is. 

And I noticed that in her information (she’s one of those people whose Information includes every job she’s ever held, including Steak ‘n Shake; her hobbies, her pets listed alphabetically) she has included the tab of How Many People Are Following Me.

She has over 600 Friends. Any guesses how many are actually Following her?

Less than 60.

…listen, we’re all Friends here. I want you to succeed. If less than ten percent of your Friends actually want to see the constant stream of self-important drivel you are dumping onto Facebook every day, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!!!

I feel better. Do you feel better? Let’s get back on topic. Which was, in case I lost you back there, Ways to Ruin Facebook Posts

Way the First: Negation (or, “I see what you’ve posted. Here’s how/why you’re wrong.”)

I talked back in the improv essay about “Yes, and” and “No, but.” These people don’t have anything to add and never learned that “if you can’t say anything nice, keep your trap shut.”

I post one of my favorite Simpsons quotes. Response: “I’ve never liked that show.” Who asked you?

I post a picture of a street sign: BRONCOS PKWY, mid-March. And with that picture I post: “I miss football.” Response: “Soccer is the real football.” So go watch some and leave me alone!

“Yay Super Bowl!” Response: “I don’t care about the Super Bowl.”  This was the same person who told me soccer was the real football, and this was shortly before an Unfriending.

“I’m introducing my wife to Terminator and Terminator II.” Response: “How could you? Horrible films. I have only seen previews and that was enough.” So, you’re not only giving an unsolicited opinion, you’re passing judgment on something of which you have no real experience? How very American of you.

A screenshot from a Simpsons episode. Response: “You know Simpsons was just a rip-off of Gravedale High, right?” You don’t say—I had to look it up because I’d never heard of this Gravedale High, probably because it only had thirteen episodes. But my friend was right, The Simpsons TOTALLY ripped off the show. But nobody ever called them on it because The Simpsons premiered in 1989, and Gravedale High came out in 1990…

…wait a second…

“I’m proud of my packing skills! 10 day trip, 2 people, 2 bags!” Response: “You shoulda sprung for the classic fares—they include two checked bags.” …I hate you.

“I’m lonely and should get a cat.” Oy, this one, I got a whole chorus of Friends telling me variations of “cats are terrible and here’s why.” As opposed to my actual friends, who sympathized with my loneliness (hint: which was what I wanted)

And the worst negation, in terms of time put into the joke and the balloon-popping Friend: “!tou yaw ym dnif t’nac I dna dlrow rorrim eht ni deppart m’I ,pleH”

Took me, like, five minutes to write that properly.

Response: ‘Only problem here is that in Mirror world the words would still be in the same order, including the letters. The letters would just appear to be written backwards.”

Do you stomp on everyone’s attempts at humor, or just mine? I was ‘blessed’ to be on an improv team with this human. She would regularly take an improv gift and rip it to bloody shreds. Much like my poor, gasping Mirror World joke.

Way the Second: The Topper (or “I see your Post and I raise you a Post. Now I’m winning!”)

Maybe it’s a joke. Maybe it’s serious. Either way, these folks apparently feel like my Posts need some help, which they are always happy to give.

“Sure hope Jack White and Jack Black don’t ever do a duet—could cause an explosion!” It’s a take-off on how matter and antimatter combined would explode. Don’t cross the streams, etc. Response: “Or they might start singing “Ebony and Ivory. Wait, that WOULD cause an explosion.” Maybe that joke would be a better one than mine, if Jack Black actually were black…

“Ninja Diary, Day 434: jumped by 5 guys in alley. Broke nunchuck, had to improvise with woodchuck. Forestry department not happy.” Response: “After that, had to up-chuck!” Yes, because that’s what we’re doing. Coming up with all the words that have ‘chuck’ at the end. Nicely done.

“Not to brag or anything, but I’ve pared it down to only 2 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon… (The links being Chuck Roy and John Lithgow)

Response: “I’m 1 degree. Mwahaha.”

You win this round, Mr. Bond.

Then it gets worse.

Response from another person entirely: “I once urinated in a studio bathroom next to Adam West—not sure what degree that is but I was thankful for the separation.”

If you’re keeping score at home, Responder 2 now has twice the points of Responder 1, as he has both name-dropped and made a joke.

“Trekkie I was dating just told me she thinks we should assimilate other people.” Strap in, everybody…

Response 1: “Then beam her into a Klingon Ship where I trust she will be no Tribble at all.” A—you got the quote wrong. 2—the original joke was a play on words that you don’t accomplish when there’s no mention of “Tribble” anywhere. 3—thanks for ruining my joke.

Response 2: “Resistance is futile.” I include this for future reference.

Response 3: “That’s why you should only date Star Wars fans.” Not a better joke than the original post, but nice try.

Response 4: “Except in Japan, where resistance is feudal.” Here’s an interesting development: the “Yes, and” Response 2 has now itself been stolen by a one-upper.

Response 5: “There’s always gonna be pros and Khans when dating.”

At this point the whole thing has devolved into Who Can Write the Best Pun, the original joke has died of old age, and I went on with my life. Far as I know, someone out there is still Posting to this one…

Combine the Topper and Negation and you get…

Way the Third: Stealing the Joke (or, I will deliberately deny/frustrate you to swipe a laugh for myself)

I’ll save you some grief: if you have a bunch of standups or other folks who Live for the Laugh as your Facebook friends, don’t even bother setting up a joke. It’s a waste of time.

“Knock, knock.” Had a joke all ready, just needed someone to play along. I’ve tried this several times, and the response I get is invariably: “We’re closed!” or “Go away!” or some such. So, I’ve stopped trying. 

“I want to buy a farm in Hawaii. I could have a muumuu here, a muumuu there.” Fine, it’s not the greatest joke in the world. But the joke is how muumuu sounds like Old McDonald’s cow saying “Moo Moo.”

Response: “Is it October? You could have a booboo here, a booboo there…” Aaaargh!

“One of these days I’m going to buy a strip mall. And I shall put in an Ace Hardware, a Burger King, a Dairy Queen, a Jack in the Box and some 10-Pin Bowling. And I shall call my creation the Royal Flush Mall.” It’s a card-playing joke. It’s an OBVIOUS card-playing joke.

Response: “Make sure you include a septic system!” Because the mall is called the Royal Flush! Get it? Huh? Get it?

“Not many people know that Massage Envy was the fourth name idea, after Massage Sloth, Massage Gluttony, Massage Pride…” You know, the Seven Deadly Sins? 

Response: “No Massage Fornication?” That doesn’t even make sense, joke stealer

“How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?” No response necessary. Joke complete.

Response: “Depends on the color of the bulb.” If you must steal my joke, could you write one that makes some sort of sense? 

Way the Fourth: Not Getting the Joke 

“Knock on my door—was the police! Neighbors heard me running the vacuum and thought someone had broken in.” I will be the first to admit, I have a very dry sense of humor and it’s hard to tell sometimes if I’m joking. This was apparently one of those times.

Response: “I think you need to move, friend.”

Response 2: “Sounds like you need to find a new location to live!”

“I don’t know why I bother doing Secret Santa around here. I always get my own name.” The joke being that I am self-employed. 

Response: “You should put more names in.” Yeah, like yours. Then get you some coal

“Why stop with Elf on a Shelf? Why not Gnome on a Comb? Fawn on the Lawn? Nymph on a Plinth?” So, I’m asking for responses, but the game I’ve set up is Fictional Character Whose Name Rhymes with A Place.

Response: “Chip in the dip?” I’m going to assume they just didn’t quite get the game. Because if they are actually attempting to Steal the Joke with a dig at my old nickname (which this Friend does know) …I would have to kill them slowly.

And finally—the next time you stop by a dance studio or small business and see a shelf full of Awards, don’t necessarily take them at face value: turns out there is at least one company, in a Who’s Who Book kinda way, that contacts small businesses, tells them they’ve won an award, and charges them several hundred beans for “A One-of-a-kind Personalized Plaque.” Or you can upgrade to the Crystal-onium Version. 

I received one of these email announcements, telling me my community had voted for me to receive this highly coveted prize. Apparently, no marketing whatsoever is considered an impressive marketing method.

“In my morning email: ‘Ninja Boy Productions, Inc has been selected for the 2016 Best of Centennial Awards for Motion Picture and Video Distribution.’ They are apparently impressed with my various marketing methods—which would be nothing (word of mouth has been all the marketing I’ve needed for years, glory to God!)

“Aaaaand the best part is, they will send me a very handsome plaque for only a couple of hundred dollars!”

Is the sarcasm coming across? I feel like it should be…

Response 1: “Congrats!”

Response 2: “Great news!”

And if you’re thinking they’re being sarcastic as well—these particular Responders don’t really…do that sort of thing.

Way the Fifth: The Launchpad

Now we’re getting serious. And I mean that literally—the Launchpad is different from the  Topper or Stealing the Joke because a person Posts something serious, something that does not invite hilarity, but a Friend decides they have just the perfect joke anyway…

“Yes! I COMPLETELY support a 100% cell-phone-while-driving-ban.”

Response: “He told me he supported it today when he was driving down the road and talking on his cell-phone.” This one made me angry. Steal my jokes, top my announcements. But don’t call me a hypocrite. Unfunnny.

“I have chosen a new life verse! Job 8:2 ‘He will fill their mouths with laughter and their hearts with songs of joy.’ As my goal for each new day is to make at least one person laugh, I think this will do nicely.”

Response: “And Judas went out and hanged himself.” “Go thou and do likewise.” You know that life-affirming thing you just posted? Allow me to interrupt with an old joke. I deny your celebration.

“Welcome to Dumpville. Population: You.” In fairness, this could have been a random Simpsons quote. In this case it was my way of telling the world I was once again single.

First response was my Seattle friend Tanya, commiserating. 50 points for her.

Second response: “Will, given your success with women, have you ever considered becoming a priest?” This person I know well, and I’m sure they honestly thought they were helping. A little too soon, though, Friend

“Tonight I get to attend a book group as a visiting author—for the first time ever!” I was very proud to be invited, and very excited to tell Facebook that I got to cross an item off my Bucket List.

Response: “I did an autograph signing once. Then the librarian told me to stop writing in their books.”

To be fair—that’s pretty funny. It totally spits in the eye of my original post, but it’s funny…

“I was asked for an autograph after a show!” I just had a bucket-list, life-affirming moment and I have come to Facebook to tell the people that care about me.

Response: “A police officer asking you to sign a citation doesn’t count.”

The only reason I’m not sitting in prison right now is the distance inherent in social media. Because I could have ripped this person’s head off for that.

And finally…

Post, far from home: “Somebody remind me 10 days ago to bring a TOWEL with me to camp… 8-P”

Is it coming across that I’m upset? My sister, God bless her, commiserated. 50 points for Amanda.

Next response: “This is his Will-ish way of saying he ignores the advice of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and doesn’t carry a towel with him at all times, and as such he forgot to bring one. Let’s hope he doesn’t run into the Bugbladder Beast of Traal.”

My gardening Friend again. “I see you’re upset. Allow me to toss out a literary reference so everyone that reads this knows how smart I am. At your expense.”

Wish I had some Vogons to sic on her

Way the Sixth: The Hijack (or No, No, No, Your Post SHOULD Be About THIS)

“’Could you make the shots of the younger dancers more closeup?’

‘Yes, if you tell me that BEFORE the show…’” A reference to my videography business. And the occasional frustrations found therein.

Response: “One nice thing about photography, as opposed to videography, is requests after the fact like that can be honored with a nice crop.”

My gardening friend once again. Are you starting to hate her? In all fairness, I should say that these self-righteous, arrogant, I know better than everyone posts only represent about 88% of what comes out of her mouth in any given day.

“Anybody have/know of a free cabin for a honeymoon?” Here I am making an honest request. And there were some actual Friends who gave honest responses.

Then there was this one.

Response: “Why aren’t you blowing a bunch of $$ on your wife?”

Gee, well…because we are paying for the wedding ourselves, and are trying to keep costs down? Because my wife is very frugal and would prefer using said money for something else? Because you’re a jerk?

“Sigh…lying under a tree reading a good book.”

Response: “Is it one of mine?” No, have you written one about ruining people’s Facebook posts?

Post, on July 2: “Enjoy freedom—don’t blow up anything important!”

Response: “Don’t know if you’ve seen this but I finally published my novel.” This writer—forget even attempting to connect with the original post, just get on in there with your plug. Quick note for you if I may: THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME WANT TO READ YOUR STUFF

This isn’t just limited to writers. One standup I know who shall remain nameless and Unfriended popped in on a random FB post one day to PLUG THEIR NEW COMEDY ALBUM. Not in a private Message, not with an annoying Post on my Wall…they hijack a perfectly good Post of mine, concerning something I care about, with an advertisement. Does anyone find this acceptable behavior? What gets into some people?

There seems to be no end to the ways Friends want to help me improve my posts, or myself. 

I post “We’re never going to survive unless we get a little crazy,” and for some reason one Friend feels I need to see, and therefore Posts, a video about animal cruelty. Um…can I help you in some way?

In fact, that last one edged dangerously close to

Way the Seventh: Judgment from On High (or I’m Going to Stop You Right There…)

“It’s going to snow in Denver…I’m glad I’m going to California!” Smug? Maybe. Was just an attempt at a joke.

Response: “You should learn to be content in all things.” Well, my Friendship with you is certainly giving me lots of practice

“My son in his walkabout keeps bumping into walls. It’s like the worst Roomba ever.”

Response: “learning to deal with obstacles is important in child development.” You terrible, terrible father who should be making your son an organic lunch instead of posting to Facebook

At some point before or during the 2016 Elections, I saw a news report about the Safety Pin Movement. It’s a simple thing: you see someone wearing a large safety pin on their shirt, it is supposed to represent that they are a Safe Person.

That they are loving, accepting and want to find the good in people—and if you feel overlooked, hated, oppressed…they offer a place of Safety.

Being a safe person is an incredibly important concept to me, and so for some months I was a part of the Safety Pin movement myself. And since Facebook is one of the places I share things that impact my life, I changed my profile picture to an actual safety pin. When, inevitably, I was asked why, I offered much the same explanation as you’ve just read.

Response: “I prefer to wear a cross, but hey, whatever works for ya man.” The way you are  going about this is wrong, and if you were a true Christian you would know that.

My measured response: “Unfortunately, the wearing of a cross means just fashion to a lot of people, and means ‘this person is going to cram their religion down my throat with no interest in my own opinion or personage’ to others. Apparently, a different symbol is necessary. If it means anything, I don’t believe Jesus ever wore a cross.”

Response 2 (same person): “That’s why we carry our cross, and ACT in love, instead of flaunting it. Let them know us by our love, brother.” The way you are going about this is wrong, and if you were a true Christian, like I am, you wouldn’t need to wear a stupid pin because everyone would just be able to see how loving you are. 

I don’t care that this is important to you, you are wrong.

Way the Eighth: Inappropriate Sharing

This isn’t ruining a Post per se, but it still deserves mention. I have one Friend who posts ten, twenty, sometimes fifty times a day. Never (and I mean never, the one personal post I ever saw from this person was “I’m leaving because you all stink”) anything about their own lives, but Share after Share after Share of Memes, cartoons, news items, Can This Cop/Puppy/Political Candidate/Fictional Character get 50,000 Likes. I’m pretty sure they set a record for number of those horrible “Most People Won’t Post This” Posts in one day.

And in the zeal to Share absolutely everything to be found on the entire Interwebs, this person Shared my posts on a regular basis. Now, if I put up a news article that interests me and it gets Shared, great. If I put up a joke I’ve written and you want to Share it, be my guest.

But when I posted something about MST3K and this person, who by their own admission had never heard of the show, Shared it on their page, that was weird…

Then when I posted a picture of my wife and this same person Shared it…without asking permission or explaining why…that was seriously creepy.

I called them on it and was told “Sorry, I Share so many things, that must’ve just slipped.” Yeah, well, I slipped myself and hit the Unfriend button.

But if I’ve just described you, in any of this Eighth Facebook Ruining example…get help.

Way the Ninth: ???

Sometimes I just don’t know about people.

“My hot girlfriend came to watch me make Television today!”

Response: “That’s what Al Gore said when he made the internet. Smiley face”

“Pete Parker, he used to have class, but Spider-man, this cannot pass.

“Webs spring from his wrist when he makes a fist—but shouldn’t they pop out his $%#?”

Response: “Go Celtics!”

“Anybody want thingamabobs? I’ve got, like, a bunch over here…”

My sister Amanda played along. “Like, I don’t know, maybe 20?” 100 points to her. But then…

Response: “Are they current on their vaccinations???”

Response 2 (same person): “Are they housebroke?”

Wonderful friend Adam N tried to get things back on track: “Who cares. No big deal. I would prefer a larger quantity.” 200 points for righting the sinking ship and also making an excellent joke.

Jennifer S played “Yes, and” as well: “I’d take some gadgets and gizmos if you got plenty.” 

Me: “Lemme check in the back.”

Jen: “If not I may need whoseits or whatsits galore.”

This is what I’m talking about. Everybody having fun, ‘Yes, and’ing all over the place.  Then…

Response 3: “Durnaflidgitz?”

Response 4: “I prefer thingamajiggers.” (This one was from a fellow improver, so the lack of “Yes, and” was surprising)

My hot wife swoops in to save the day. “That would go perfectly with my dingle hopper.”

Jonna G: “I think we have a bunch in the stockroom at school, so thanks…”

Thank you, Tiffany, and Jonna. And Adam and Jen and Amanda. And also Marlys, who has responded to more of my Posts than anyone and who has never ruined a single one.

It’s a cold, cruel Facebook world out there sometimes.

You make it all worthwhile.

By Will Nuessle

From: United States

Website: https://thestorysofar650777992.wordpress.com/2021/04/19/wills-worldwide-writing/