Ellie's Therapy
/I lay on a soft leather couch
at a therapist’s office
as I told Dr. Lisa all about it—all about
why I was the way I am.
The woman had long, red hair
and dark-framed glasses
that magnified her easy green eyes.
She wore a dark skirt
that smoothed below her knees.
Dr. Lisa had me put my shoes
on the tan carpet, as Ellie had me do.
I was like Sixpence,
none the wiser to kiss her.
I attended six months of sessions,
breaking cliques of insecurity for sunrays
and days when the Seattle
thick clouds don’t mean a bad day.
Ellie strung me along
as though I didn’t know what I knew,
so I played along to drown indecision,
as though changing her appearance
could erase her raspy voice
and empathy for apathy.
It must be lonely caring
for no one or nothing.
But I cared about Ellie back then,
just like I do now.
A waterfall flowed on the glass coffee table.
Soft jazz played on her stereo
and her evergreen candle
filled the room with warm pine.
I put my hands behind my head as a pillow,
without a case, but it’s better than
missing what’s wrong with me.
I moved my eyes around the cream walls,
the brown window trim
with light blinds half-open, half-closed,
and the charcoal paintings hung evenly
spaced stared back at me,
as Dr. Lisa noted my thoughts
to break them down
like a jackhammer separating what matters.
She said it behooved me to,
but how would I be the same
after Ellie’s makeup stained my white pillowcase?
I told Dr. Lisa all about it.
She had nothing much to say.
She listened and said little of anything.
Ellie left nothing to hide from her scent
each night before I washed my bedsheets,
I closed my eyes to imagine her lying next to me.
Ellie breathed softly in my dreams,
but my heart quickened within.
I was younger then,
thirty years younger,
but I’m supposed
to be older by now.
Ellie loved ’80s music.
I didn’t.
And we made it work
I was supposed to have a life by now.
I tried once or twice,
but it blew up in my face.
It always blew back onto me.
Life’s fingers pointed mine back at me.
I had it in me that I’d be over
the taste of Ellie’s lipstick
and rum that saturated her kiss by now.
And for whatever I’ve done,
the forgiveness couldn’t be this expensive.
But it was, and it is,
and I’m the person she sees smile at her
at the grocer or the mall
or some fancy restaurant;
I’m there for the ride
that I couldn’t afford, so I jumped
a freight train to follow Ellie’s footsteps
and forgot why I can’t forget our bodies
connected that hot July northwest night.
Our parents skipped town one weekend
for a mid-life crisis.
I won’t pretend that the sky
has changed since we parted ways
when Ellie moved to New York.
We’d chat on the phone until graduation.
She’d return my call from a payphone,
asking about a guy for advice.
I was glad she couldn’t see my glassy eyes
release a downpour of heartbreak
after God forgot to answer my prayers.
Ellie taught me love,
and I learned to doctor
a broken heart with more
than a bandaid and her hand.
The happiness I searched
for resided within me.
No one can fill the void,
but the life void
of fault washes across your heart
to say screw reality
you’re loved, whether you believe it or not.
Dr. Lisa removed her glasses,
her wig, and her contacts.
“Ellie?” I said, more surprised
than she was to see me.
My eyes ballooned.
I went to stand,
but Ellie stopped my motion.
“Just listen,” she said, shaking out her hair.
I waved, my face red to rush and flight. “What’s this all about?”
“I run Contemporary Mental Health Care,” Ellie said.
“And?”
“When I heard you were looking for a therapist, I knew it had to be me.” Ellie moved strands of her hair from her face.
“I wasn’t stuck in the past,” I said.
“Could have fooled me,” Ellie said, giving me a tight-lipped stare.
“I measure every woman by you,” I said.
“And they couldn’t live up to young love, could they?” Ellie sat beside me.
“My dad had plans for me.” She sighed.
“Plans that included getting you away from me, right?”
Ellie lowered her chin and nodded. “That’s basically what happened.”
“Over our sessions, I’ve told you all about me,” I said.
“You’re hiding one thing,” Ellie said, moving a tissue across her eyes.
“What’s that?” I said, knowing what she meant.
“That you still...” Ellie choked back a lump in her throat.
“That I’ve never—”
“—stopped—”
“—loving—”
“—you.”
“And me you,” Ellie said, cupping my cheeks to kiss life into us again.
By Andy Cooper
From: United States
Twitter: AC0040