Apology

Carlina apologizes for everything, and her friend tries to change her behavior.

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Carlina was always apologizing. In the grocery store, when she was staring at cans of soups and another customer joined her, she would say, "Sorry," and move away to another aisle. The cans of soups would need to wait.

When she went through a door, either in front of someone or behind someone, old, young, tall, short, Carlina would again say, "Sorry," or sometimes "Excuse me," or sometimes for added emphasis, "So sorry."

If she called a friend, Carlina would usually begin with, "Sorry to bother you," or "Is this a bad time to call?" or even "Did I wake you?" when it was already after 11 a.m. 

Carlina had lots of friends, partly, or perhaps mainly, because she apologized and made everyone else feel superior. Often she would add a thank-you when it was not needed. Thank you for calling, thank you for allowing me to go to the cashier even though I'm next in line, thank you for allowing me the privilege of baking cookies for you.

Rebecca, one of Carlina's many friends, was the opposite of Carlina. She would call before 9 a.m. or at dinner time and never ask if she were intruding. Rebecca never thanked anyone for anything. She never said she was sorry about anything. "Never apologize, never explain" was her motto.  One day, curious about where that saying came from, she looked it up and discovered that John Wayne's character in She Wore a Yellow Ribbon had said something like that, though his exact words were "Never apologize and never explain--it's a sign of weakness." But it seems that there was an earlier instance of her motto in a letter to The Times of London, written by John Arbuthnot Fisher and published on September 5, 1919. Mr. Fisher had written, "Never contradict. Never explain. Never apologize. (Those are the secrets of a happy life!)."

Why he added the parentheses, she did not know, but Rebecca wondered. Though not inclined to be grateful or apologetic, she was nevertheless inclined to be curious.

One day Rebecca and Carlina were about to have lunch at the Ashleyville Grille. Carlina picked up the list of specials.

"Any good specials?" Rebecca asked.

"Oh, sorry. Here." And Carlina quickly shoved the list in her friend's direction, almost upsetting her water glass. Rebecca rolled her eyes but said nothing. "How come they don't give each of us a list of specials, when each of us has a menu? Stupid."

Carlina busied herself with the regular menu. "What looks good to you, Rebecca? Sorry, you're concentrating."

"Actually, no, I'm not concentrating really hard at the moment. The tuna melt on the specials list looks good."

"Oh." Carlina looked disappointed.

"Something wrong?" Rebecca raised an eyebrow.

"No, that's OK. I'll have that, too."

"Listen, Carlina, I just said the tuna melt looked good. I didn't say I was ordering it. And why can't you make up your mind? For crying out loud!"

"So sorry!"

"Will you please stop saying that?"

"What? I'm sorry."

"Stop saying you're sorry all the time!"

"Oh, sorry!"

"There you go again! Listen, here comes our server. Make up your own mind, and please don't order the tuna melt. And I'm not having it either."

Carlina's eyes started to tear up. She gulped, took a look at the menu, and made a quick decision.

"Ready to order?" Melvin (according to his nametag) held his notepad aloft.

"You first, Carlina." Rebecca seemed to be ready to smile, and Carlina was ready to cry.

"Oh. Sorry." Rebecca frowned. "Well, I guess I'll have the eggplant parmigiana. And iced tea." Rebecca smiled.

After ordering a BLT and a low-calorie beer, Rebecca waited for the server to disappear into the kitchen.

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?"

One tear slid down Carlina's cheek. "No, guess not."

"Look, you know my motto is 'never apologize, never explain' but I think you have some explaining to do."

"What do you mean? I'm sorry."

"Stop! Stop! Stop saying you're sorry. What are you sorry for?"

"I don't know. That's how I was taught."

"You were taught to apologize every other frigging minute? Who taught you that?"

Carlina looked out the window at the cars buzzing up and down the street.

"My mom."

They were silent for a minute. "Look, Carlina, I don't know why your mom made you into a quivering coward, but you need to stop saying you're sorry--for nothing. You never do anything wrong, and I mean that. Unlike me. I just forge ahead. No apologies. No explanations. So why were you taught that?"

"Because I was bad."

"Who said you were bad?"

"My mom."

"Why were you bad? Did you kill someone? Rob a bank? Break all the dishes in a fit of pique? Drown the dog?"

"No."

"I didn't think so. So what did you do that made you have to apologize and turned you into the doormat that you are today?"

"I don't remember. I didn't do much of anything that was really bad, now that I think of it. Maybe I played with my food."

Rebecca slapped her hand on her forehead."And that led to these constant apologies?"

"Well, maybe I also blew bubbles when I had a drink with a straw."

"Boy, we're getting close to felony status now."

Carlina started to smile. "Guess I wasn't so bad. There must have been other things. Can't remember."

Melvin had returned with an iced tea with a straw and the beer in a frosted glass. "Your lunches will be out in just a few minutes, ladies."

Rebecca flashed a smile at Melvin's retreating back.

 "Listen, Carlina. I want you to do two things for me. Right now."

"Of course. I mean, what do you want me to do?"

"There. We're making progress. Don't say yes before you know what you're being asked to do. Listen, I want you to take your straw and have a great time blowing bubbles in your iced tea. And when your eggplant parmigiana arrives, I want you to play with it. Move it around. Make a little fort. Create a still life. But don't forget to eat it while it's still warm. And there's a third thing: don't tell anyone you're sorry, for the rest of the day. You've nothing to be sorry for. Can you do that?"

"I guess so. Thank you."

"You're welcome. This time a thank-you is in order. I'm providing therapy at no charge."

By Anita G. Gorman

From: United States

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