A letter to my friend - David.

David was a dear friend who passed away suddenly, without. One of the only ways I've figured to deal with grief is to write it out with hope that even the dead find relief through words. And may the souls of all that have departed, through the mercy of our mourning, rest in peace.

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Dear David,

I thought of you today and felt uneasy for the third time. This is unusual because every memory I have of you is pleasant.

It is unusual for you to go silent this way, I know I have done nothing wrong so I will not insult our relationship with frivolous questions like - did I do something wrong?. Instead I want to know - is there anything I can do to mend this silence? I need your voice my friend and I am certain that in some ways you too need mine.

Imagine my shock to find out you have left this world, David, you left. We promised to stay in touch as consistently and frequently as possible, now where have you gone to?... You could have asked me and I would have gladly accompanied you without any resistance, I too am tired of being in this fragile world but you know that already.

How can we keep in touch now that you have left me here like all the others. Do not add your voice to all the others I hear from the other side, it will be too painful to bear. I cannot keep in touch with you that way. Like my mother's voice, if I ever hear you speak to me from beyond I will end it all so don't you dare. Still, you owe me an apology David for dying. You owe me an apology and you must find a way to send it. I cannot mourn you until I receive your apology, I will remain broken.

I never got a chance to tell you in person because even though we were best of friends in spirit, in body we were strangers and you know how I am with this human love, I keep resisting it because it is fleeting. I love you my dear friend, deeply. I crossed those borders because you encouraged me to. I traveled across three countries by land because you asked me to refuse to die, yet here you are - dead.

Can you imagine that just yesterday a strange woman called me "people '' on the streets while I was walking, she called me "people". I told you a lot of folks in this part of the world have eyes that can see. Of course you can't imagine, especially not now.

I am dreadfully sad. So sad I am not sure how to use this sadness. I know we spoke about how elders like Alice Walker believe that suffering has its use and all that, of course I believe her and you. But, all I feel in this moment is the dreadful sadness and it's uselessness too. I believed you then and I still believe you now. I believed Alice Walker then and I still believe her now. But, I also believe my conviction of this suffering you have left me with, it is useless and I am convinced this arrow in my heart cannot be pulled out whether gently or by force it does not matter, it will break.

However, for your sake my dear friend I will keep my promise and refuse to die, even though you could not keep yours. I guess now I hold all of our lives in my heart. I am afraid I might have a seizure one of these days from all this pain I keep burying inside my chest. Thanks to the affection shown to me by some kind souls, I had a good cry the other day, maybe that will help me slow down the seizure.

I miss you dearly and this loneliness I feel is so useless I wonder if I can convert it into madness, will that help?

By Sloane Angelou

From: Côte d’Ivoire

Twitter: MsSloaneAngelou