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Closed Off

312/365

In this piece, Jack reflects on his life and his craft

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Trying too hard
Not getting too far
The gas in this car is going empty
The pen running out of ink
I'll miss my thoughts if I blink
Closed off
Can't think
But I can talk mad shit
Spit real quick sick lines
Slick rhymes
But they don't mean shit
They're a waste of time
The words don't feel mine
They feel like I'm committing a crime
Against my insides
While they're dying caged
The blind rage I'm flung into lingers for days
My fingers
They play
On the keyboards and pads
When I'm angry or sad
Yet, when I read back to see what I have
Can't help but think "This shit is whack"
Emotions don't work like that
I'm a fucking fake twisted hack
The shit'll remain like that
There's nothing to be done to take those things back
And I'm closed off
Never too soft
Nigga too raw
But I choose not
What I do cause
What I do's not
Who I claim to be
While here sitting listening to beats
Trying to dig deep
For shit buried beneath who I think is me
I do see this ain't me
It's insane
Engraved in the back of my brain
A kid playing alone at home
Talking to himself
"I did nothing wrong"
With bruised legs
Hearing songs by Eminem
Relating to them and the shit he said
Wishing he were dead
Dreaming of graves and my own funeral those days
Plotting the great escape
Into magic plains
The fuck away from places I was forced to stay
I look back
Screaming into the past
"It"ll be okay"
Knowing there's no way he'll listen
Even if he could hear those words
Em spoke of thoughts being black
I get that
My thoughts work like that
I fight for the right to say what I like
But a like is not a want
And a want is not a need
And I need to free these demons
See them face to face
Beat them
Defeat them
But I'm standing with a sword and shield
Stainless steel blade
Waiting to fight things I'm not even sure are real
What's my deal?
Why do I feel like this trifoce sealed my courage and power away
Wisdom stays
I know one day I'll say what I want to say
It'll come out the right way
It's just that day ain't today