Valentine's Bites
/Young boy and family fend off Valentine's Vampires
————
Yo, yo, yo! Valentine’s time is here again at the old Comet Mall. Hey, howdy, chill to see y’all again for the returning Comet Mall shoppers. And welcome to all those who pulled off the interstate for lunch or that damn car light that needs a new bulb. Remember a Comet Shopper never leaves …umsatisfied.
“Did he just say umsatisfied, dad?”
“What are you getting on about? I’ve told you that boy is strange. He takes after your uncle, Louis. Remember what your dad liked to call him? ...oh yeah, Louis the closet case of cuckoo.”
“Shut up, Harold.”
Sidney listened to his parents argue about why he wasn’t ‘THEIR’ kid for another few minutes before putting his headphones on and turning on his Walkman to listen to a band out of Dublin. The man on the intercom said ‘Fifty-nine minutes until noon’. If someone had told him in thirty years people would be wearing wireless headphones and players that could play limitless music he would have believed them. It was this mixture of belief in the extraordinary and willingness to really look at what went on around him that made him quite certain of two things. First, they were being stalked by a mall of vampire workers. Second, his parents were the type of ‘clueless tourists’ to be eaten first.
The day had started shitty enough. He had made a ‘middle-school play date’ with Tayisha, a girl who sat in the front row of home ec and social studies. She was wise beyond her years which had to be the only reason a sixth grader would say yes to going to the downtown mall, with a fifth grader, on Valentine’s Day. As the two quiet, unsocial people of the multi-grade classes they had been paired together, for projects, multiple times. However, they rarely spoke about anything other than what style of stitch to use on their laundry bags or why Custer was a royal jackass. Back to the lovey-dovey Friday before.
Tayisha said, “ We should measure the water and get it started on the stove top BEFORE we measure the rice.”
Sidney said, “Sure. I’ll get our measuring cup.”
40 minutes later.
Sidney said, “I have finished cleaning and drying our dishes.”
Tayisha said, “GREAT. I’ve disposed of our trash and got our grade sheets signed by Ms. Noble. What are YOU doing for Valentine’s Day?”
Ah man, slug in the gut moment. “Nothing. I might go see a movie at the dollar theatre. The action film with Ralph Fiennes.”
Tayisha said, “Who? It doesn’t matter. WHO are you going with? It being Valentine’s Day and all.”
Sidney said, “I probably was just gonna go by myself.”
Tayisha moved to the edge of her seat and said, “I’ll go with you.”
Sidney said, “O.k.” Butterflies were fluttering around his stomach and it felt they were itching to escape. “Sure, that sounds great.” His face felt like a hot plate.
The class bell rang. They hashed out the doomed Valentine’s Date while Ms. G talked about far off places like South Dakota and Louisiana.
Sidney’s dad, Gerald, said, “No! You’re not going on a date with a black girl.”
Sidney’s mom, Cynthia, said, “Gerald, you’re sounding racist. Don’t scream at him.”
Gerald said, “I’m not a racist, but why would you want your son to have a difficult time. He doesn’t know how the world works. Son, you can’t just date anybody. People will talk. You’ll be bullied.”
Sidney said, “I don’t think it’s like that anymore, dad. I don’t think anybody cares in my class.”
Gerald said, “Shut up Sidney and do what I tell you. I’m only trying to look out for you.”
Sidney said, “Mom, dad’s being obtuse.”
Gerald said. “Obtuse, what does that even mean?”
Cynthia said, “Oh Gerald. Your son doesn’t know any better.”
Sidney said, “So I can go, mom.”
Cynthia said, “Oh heavens no.”
Gerald said, “He doesn’t take after ANYONE in my family. But he’s so weird …like your Uncle Louis. Sorry son, it’s best if you leave the decisions to us.”
Cynthia said, “How about an afternoon drive in the country? The snows have melted and the early buds are starting to bloom.”
Sidney placed his headphones over his head and slowly retreated to his bedroom. He barely heard his paternal parental unit say, “There’s this nifty mall, off the interstate, that I’ve been meaning to check out.”
There were no cell phones to cancel the date. And foolishly they hadn’t exchanged their landline phone numbers. Sidney had tried to find Tayisha in the yellow pages. He had even politely placed some wrong phone calls. But he had no idea what her parent’s first names were or if her last name was the name in the phone book. He figured a date MIGHT have hashed out some of these necessary personal details. About the time Sidney and his parents were walking into the mall Tayisha was catching a bus to Sidney’s place. She knocked and rang the doorbell of Sidney’s apartment before it dawned on her that whatever she saw in Sidney was severely lacking in his parentage. She stomped away and hopped the next bus heading back to HER neighborhood. On the bus ride home, she experienced a mixture of emotions including, but not limited to, dejection, sadness, anger and resilience. Little did she know that by the time she placed her keys in her home door Sidney would be fighting for sunlight.
Sidney’s father pulled into the Comet mall parking lot.
Sidney said, “Dad, isn’t this kinduv small for a mall?
Gerald said, “What?? It has a mini-roller coaster inside! And massage chairs. It said so on the highway billboards for the last 20 miles.”
Gerald hit the brakes and they all lunged forward as a red convertible snagged their parking spot.
Gerald said, “Son of a bitch!”
Cynthia said, “Gerald, language! Not in front of the boy.”
Gerald said, “I can’t believe that asshole just took our spot!”
Cynthia said, “Gerald!”
Gerald said, “The boys heard worse.”
A young man who looked like he was no more than 20 got out of the car.
Gerald rolled down the window and started to lay into the guy.
Gerald said, “Hey, I’m talking to you ...”
The guy shot up the middle finger as he started to jog back towards the mall. He was wearing a black vest that said VALET in red.
Gerald said, “That son of a ...” as Cynthia interrupted him by moving her hand to his shoulder and saying, “HONEY.”
They got out of the white ‘88 Dodge van and began walking towards the automatic doors of the mall.
Cynthia said, “I’m surprised you even found this place. I don’t remember us ever taking this highway before.”
They walked into the mall.
Gerald said, “Well of course not. We’ve never gone this way. I was talking to a trucker on the CB and he mentioned passing this place. He didn’t have time to stop, but he said he saw some big rigs pulling off the highway. There’s a trucker stop and fuel in the back of the mall. Such a fantastic idea.”
Cynthia sighed and said, “Oh Gerald, you and your romanticizing of truckers. What’s so wrong with selling mattresses for my father?”
Gerald said, “Whatever.”
Cynthia said, “Ooh, how about we start at the ice cream shop? You both want some ice cream, right. It’s all the way at the end of the mall”
Sidney said, “Did he just say um ...satisfied?
The man on the intercom said ‘fifty-nine minutes before noon’. They started walking towards the ice cream shop. He listened to his U2 War tape while he watched his parent’s mouths move as they argued about his parentage. After a minute or two they started window shopping. Even the shops had a weird reddish hue. They could see a large crowd at the back of the mall. Cynthia loudly said, “Oh, it would just be our luck that they’ll run out of ice cream.”
Sidney mumbled, “If only.”
Everything about this mall was sketchy. Sidney avidly read a variety of material. He was a product of his time in POP culture. Fright Night, Lost Boys and Saturday late night Boris Karloff movies (Elvira) were a call to arms to eighties babies, with deep imaginations for all things that go bump in the night. He had read his fair share of werewolves, vampires and other creatures of the night ‘just in case’ he had to be prepared to rescue people, like Tayisha or more likely his parents, on a moment’s notice. One just never knew what sorts of stories one might need to know for the survival of those one loves.
This was a highway his father had never heard of until recently? His dad had maps of everything. Roads, railroads, radio towers. ‘Forty-nine minutes until noon’. How could HE not know of this place. And was the guy on the radio a trucker? Who knows? What about windows? There were NO clear windows! The whole place had a reddish hue. There were three front entrances ...to enter!! No natural sunlight! Hello, vampires anyone? Do parents EVEN watch scary movies thinking this is a manual of how NOT to get eaten!?? The store clerks stood outside their shops coercing and ushering people into the doors of their shops. Why the extra doors? ‘Game over man, game over!!’. They all wore the same black shirt with black dress pants? They were all thin and, although hard to tell from the dimmed lighting, severely grey as in if there was a disease such as too much grey, ‘dead grey’, then they had it!! And black RUNNING shoes. Like they worked retail! Where would THEY be going in such a hurry ...at a mall? And what was the deal with the black military like service caps on their heads.
His mother stopped them to check out the porcelain doll shop. The place was filled with female shoppers. His father went to look at a book of maps in the bookshop next door. The man on the intercom said ‘thirty-nine minutes until noon’. His mother excitedly began scooping up the shiny dolls. Sidney started looking on the opposite side. He passed a girl who was much younger than the rest of the crowd. She looked like a very pretty High Schooler. She turned and smiled at him. He backed up in surprise and bumped into a display case. He smiled back and pulled off his headphones. He was about to go over to her when he saw a pile of rice in a display case in the back corner. He looked back up but the girl was gone. He made a mental note that he must now try to rescue her as well. He walked up to the display case and reached for a dusty doll in the back of the cabinet. He pressed it and felt ...rice? Sketchy.
The clerk said, “DON’T touch that! Young man.” He was at Sidney’s side, in a heartbeat, and shot an exaggerated smile at Sidney’s mom, who momentarily looked up from the other side of the room. “We don’t want you breaking anything.” He squeezed Sidney’s shoulder just a little too hard.
Sidney said, “Ouch.”
A woman appeared suddenly from the back area and said, “Roger, like the dolls we don’t break our guests.” Roger jumped back and lowered his head just a little too far for a regular worker. The woman said her s’s as if the essence of a snake could permeate a sentence. The intercom broke in with ‘nineteen minutes before noon’.
Gerald said, “I can’t believe they sold this Atlas for twenty bucks. It’s got to be a collector’s item.”
Cynthia said, “Oh, and this doll was only ten dollars. A porcelain doll!! How can these shops stay open with these prices?”
Sidney mumbled, “I wonder.”
He looked among the faces of the other shoppers for the girl from the doll shop. Sidney knew his parents. They wouldn't listen to him. They were all ‘dead meat walking’. He had been making notes of any doors that seemed to open outside. They needed an escape plan. He figured from watching zombie movies that there would be a window of opportunity when all hell broke loose. He definitely didn't want them going further into the mall. He spied some ‘normal’ looking delivery persons moving two-wheel dollies with boxes towards shop entrances. They all entered and left through a shop on the far left side of the mall. Sidney quickly moved ahead of his parents. It was a shop of stuffed ...spiders. Who would want a stuffed spider? Oh, nobody. Sidney ran back to his parents. ‘Nine minutes until noon’.
Sidney said, “Um ...mom, can we check out the stuffed spider shop.”
Gerald said, “What is wrong with this kid?”
Cynthia said, “Gerald be nice. Honey why would you want a stuffed spider.”
Sidney thought for a moment, “Because there’s this nice girl named …,” he thought about his grandmothers and chose his parent’s favourite, “Rose ...who, um ...likes spiders. Like wolf spiders and arctic spiders and well Valentine’s only comes once a year and when will I have ...this opportunity again?” His parents hesitated. Sidney added, “She’s white.”
They strolled into an empty, un-staffed shop. There was no movement in the back. A delivery man in brown shorts scurried through the shop and out a back door. Sidney thought he saw a tiny bit of sunlight beam on the floor. If one didn’t know the door was there then it could be easily missed. The ragtag family looked around to see a mostly barren room. Very few stuffed spiders sat on shelves. Most of the stuffed spiders seemed to occupy the display cases that faced outside.
Gerald said, “What is this?” The room was filled with dust and Cynthia sneezed.
Cynthia said, with some sniffling and congested difficulty, “Maybe Rose would like a doll?”
Gerald said, “Maybe she’d like a map.”
Sidney said, “Mum, dad, I never ask for anything from you guys. Just pull out some of the furry spiders and give them a squeeze. Please. This could be my future ...white wife we’re shopping for.”
His parents hesitantly approached the stuffed spiders. ‘Two minutes until noon.”
He eyed the teen girl, from the shop, passing the display window and he ran out to her.
Sidney said, “Hey.”
The teenager said, “Hey, yourself.”
Sidney said, “I know this is going to sound really weird, but would you mind stepping into the stuffed spider shop for a moment, with me?”
The teenage girl said, “Well that’s a new one. I’m going to the ice cream.” She turned and started to walk away.
Sidney ran up to her and said, “ NO, I’m not being weird …well I am weird, but this is something else. Just give me like two minutes, please.” From the side of his left eye he could see his parents start to emerge from the stuffed spider shop.
Gerald said, “The clerk must be on a lunch break.”
Sidney could feel himself start to sweat. The Ride of the Valkyries began to play over the intercom. Shop clerks emerged from all the shops and began ushering in straggling shoppers. The doors at the end of the mall were closed. There were big, security personnel redirecting shoppers, ready to leave, towards the food court.
The girl said, “O.k. I’ll step into the stuffed spider shop for just a minute. But no more.” She moved towards the door. “I’m not in the mood for screaming kids anyways. My name is Trish what’s yours?”
Sidney and his parents walked back through the door as the music seemed to get louder.
Sidney said, “My name is Sidney and these are my parents.”
Trish said, “Wow, who would come up with a Stuffed Spider Shop? They must have a warped sense of humour.”
Gerald said, “That’s what I said. Your son is so strange.”
Sidney’s mom and dad began to argue about him again. How was it possible that when they argued neither of them would take his side. He shook his head and said I’m so sorry. He looked at Trish’s face that seemed frozen in horror. He turned around to see the calm before a feeding frenzy. The loud music dampened what appeared to be mouths moving in screams and cries. His parents had stopped complaining long enough to join them at the window. From their vantage point they could just make out that the ice cream crowd was clustered in a makeshift corral of shop clerks. The clerks held their black service caps in their hands, like knives, and were moving forward in unison. They seemed to be swaying to the music. Bah, bah, bah, bah, baaahh, bah, bah, bah, Bahhhhh!
Sidney said,”We have to go. We have to get out of here now.” He grabbed Trish’s hand and his mom’s sweater and pulled them towards the door in the back.
Cynthia grabbed the back of Gerald’s shirt and said in shock, “Gerald, Gerald, Gerald ...”.
Trish let go of Sidney’s hand and ran to the door. She grabbed a rope hanging down and pulled the door open for Sidney and his family. Some sunlight spilled down the hallway.
Trish said, “Come on hurry!!”
Sidney ran back and grabbed both parents in a big embrace pushing them towards the back hallway. His father seemed to wake up from his stupor and grabbed Cynthia around the shoulders pushing her through the door. Sidney motioned for Trish to go ahead of him.
Trish said, “Don’t be stupid. Gooo! Move it!.” Sidney rushed through the door. Trish walked into the hallway and closed the door behind her.
Gerald started to go down the right side.
Sidney said, “NO, dad! That goes deeper into the mall.” Just then a clerk emerged from a hallway where the indoor ice cream truck was located.
Gerald grabbed Cynthia and said, “Ruuuuuuun,” as he pulled her down the hall. He had some legs on him being six one and all. Sidney had heard stories about his father running track and he finally got to see it first hand. He ran as fast as he could with Trish staying even with him as he watched his parents become smaller in his eyes. What he thought had been sunlight was either bright lighting or more likely they had missed the service door to the outside. His parents were more than half a football field ahead when they reached the door at the end of the hallway. Miraculously, no other shop keeper had entered the hallway. The music must have stopped because Sidney could now hear blood-piercing screams from inside the shops. He was already huffing and puffing when he saw his parents throw open the door allowing sunlight to pierce the hallway for a moment. He stopped and turned around realizing Trish had stopped by a shop. She seemed to be hyperventilating. He heard the door slam shut as he went back and grabbed Trish. She looked at him with wild eyes.
Trish said, “Don’t touch me.”
Sidney said, “I’m sorry but there is nothing we can do for them.”
Trish sighed. A shop door opened between the two and their escape hatch from this shopping nightmare.
Trisha said, “I know another way out. Your parents were running ahead. We didn’t have time to stop. Let’s go.”
The clerk seemed to be oblivious to them and looked only at the door where Sidney’s parents had barely enough time to slip through.
Sidney and Trish headed back towards the Stuffed Spider Shop. The screams seemed to be subsiding. Sidney thought he saw blood slowly spilling, into the hallway, from one of the shops they had to pass. He hugged the far wall not looking at the liquid as he secretly wished it was Kool aid. They arrived two shop doors from the Stuffed Spider Shop.
Trish said, “There. You see. A delivery door.”
Sidney looked but couldn’t make out a door and said, “No. Where is it.”
Trisha reached over and planted a kiss on Sidney’s cheek and said, “My young hero. Look closer.”
Sidney moved within inches of the wall and saw the lines of a door. He pushed on it and stepped out into the sunlight and said, “Oh wow, it was here. You’ve got great eyes Trish ...Trish. He looked back into the hallway to see several clerks standing in nearby doorways with blood dripping from their mouths. Trish was kissing Roger and turned draping her right arm on Roger’s left shoulder.
Trish said, “Run along my little friend.”
Sidney, with his mouth agape, slowly backed up down the ramp as he watched the door swing shut. It took him a few moments walking to gather himself together. He broke into a run and thought that sunlight had never tasted sweeter than this moment. He came sprinting around the corner with his second wind. The mall was much larger than he thought at first glance. It seemed to be an optical illusion. He saw his parents in the van parked. The gate was closed and they seemed conflicted about what to do. He almost felt sorry for them. Sidney jogged over to them.
The van was locked so he knocked on the window.
Sidney said, “Can I get in, please?”
Gerald slapped down Cynthia’s hand before she could lift the sliding door lock and said, “No. Cynthia. We don’t even know if this is our son anymore.” Sidney stifled a laugh.
Gerald said, “How do we know that you’re not one of them now? Can you tell me that?”
Sidney said, “Sunlight. I’m standing in pure sunlight.”
Gerald reached over and unlocked the sliding door and said, “But I want you all the way in the back wearing the seat belts so your mom and I can keep our eyes on you. No sudden movements.” Cynthia locked the sliding door. They just sat there with the engine running idly.
Cynthia said, “Gerald, you’re wasting the gas. I think that we...”
Gerald talked over her, “Not now Cynthia!.”
They all watched as one of the big security guards ran over to the gate. Opened his window and motioned them forward.
Gerald said, “What do I do? What do I do?”
Cynthia said, “What if he wants to eat us.”
Sidney placed his head in his hands and mumbled, “Sunlight.” He reached into his jacket pocket and realized his Walkman had survived the Vampire encounter. He let out a sigh of relief. He reached up and touched his dollar headphones safely stowed around his neck. He put his hand over his heart to feel the beat. Overall, it was a good Valentine’s Day.
After a few more minutes Sidney’s father put the car in drive and started to move them forward. They bounced over two speed bumps. The beam lifted. The guard smiled and waved as they stared back at him. The van slowly rolled out bumping the steep curb lightly. Gerald hit the gas hard as they rushed down the highway to the nearest I95 onramp.
Well reader, you thought that there would be more to this story? More action; more romance? He’s ten and I have to turn in this “Who I ate for Valentine’s Day” essay by midnight. I might fudge the details. Just kidding. The truth is it’s hard to cook up a nice kid. His family though …. For a few minutes I got to have a taste of being human again. When I was a young lady there were corsets and horseback rides which, if I remember correctly, is what lead me to the life I now live. Vampires and veal is a timeless ...chase game. Ah well. I have a meal to prepare: Valet Parmesan. Catch you next time.
With deeepest respect for your frail human bodies,
Trisha
Vatriarch of Comet Coven
The keys jangled on the other side of the door. Tailer the Ginger sat up on his stoop, his tail swooping back and forth. His people walked slowly into the apartment. Sidney ran into his bedroom and put his Walkman on his overly stuffed bookshelf made from oak. He wrestled with the cap on the butt of his 15 inch Robot bank. He removed ten hard-earned chore dollars from shoveling snow. He walked back out and passed the kitchen. His parents were sitting at the kitchen table. His father quickly rose from the table.
Gerald said, “Where do you think you're going?”
Sidney went right past him and unlocked the apartment door. “To Tayisha’s. WE have a movie date and I’m late.”
Gerald said, “Oh, I don’t think so young man.”
Sidney slowly turned in the doorway and stood facing his parents.
Sidney said, “Father, Mother, I think we should never speak of this day again or I will, so help me, go to Child Welfare and let you explain how the two of you, my loving parents, saved yourselves and abandoned me, your only son, to be devoured by a horde of ravenous ‘cannibals’. I’ll be back by eight. Sidney closed the door behind him.
By Alex Almeida
From: United States
Website: https://www.alexathebard.blogspot.com
Instagram: alexathebard
Twitter: alexathebard1
Facebook URL: htttps://www.facebook.com/thetravellingcoyote