A series of free writing, to help me cope with my insanity.

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February 16th 2017,

And even though he was alone and sad, he did not give in. He railed against the universe. "you might hate me, you might want me to suffer" he announced seemingly to himself "But, I will not give up." he yelled into the darkness that seemed to always surround him. "I know my worth, I might doubt myself but, I am a good and decent person and one day it will matter" he screamed nearly in tears. And then he turned quietly away from his demons, knowing they would still be there in the morning and tried to sleep

~Ravings of a Madman

February 26th 2017,

And he knew he was broken, was that worse or better he mused. To see and understand why people looked at him with mistrust and fear and then try to pretend he was clueless, because that's what they all seemed to think. Maybe he would RAGE and scream at the indignity they all put him thru. show them the sorrow he felt, make them feel the same. But, no that was for lesser people he scolded at himself. Holding it all in, he would rise above it all. He would try to hold onto his dignity. He would carry on if for no other reason than to hold on to his own sense of self.

~Ravings of a Madman

March 2nd 2017,

And once again, he was alone. But, he was used to being alone. Even though he did not find comfort in it. It was not the end, nothing would be the end he feared. For he would not let it be in part, and because the universe wasn't done with him he felt. He railed against his demons. The thoughts and the sounds and feelings that would come upon him seemingly at random. His nights haunted by dreams he couldn't or wouldn't understand. But, he carried on. Not out of desire, but out of need.

~Ravings of a Madman

March 6th 2017,

And he walked forward. Mindlessly, with no focus or purpose. One foot step led to another. His face and hair a mess, the marks of tears on his cheeks and glistening in his eyes. But, he marched inexorably onward. Because, he knew if he looked back for too long he would lose his way. The horrors of the past would consume his mind and body. And so, He walked forward...

~Ravings of a Madman

March 17th 2017,

And he was alone, filled with sorrow and anguish. "Why must I always be strong" he said as he wept quietly. "you’re not strong" they whispered "your weak and pathetic". "You have no friends

and no one will ever love you" they said rising to a near scream in his head. He stared at the wall crying softly to himself.

Finally, he said in barely a whisper with anger in his voice "You know nothing, your part of me, or a delusion, or the universe only knows what. But, you don't know me." He continued louder "I've been to the precipice and walked away, I've seen things both good and bad that defy any logical explanation." Then in a near shout "I've stared into the fucking face of Death himself, and have been struck by his scythe." he shouted. "So, don't tell me who I am or that I am weak!" he finished with a scream.

Then realizing the hour, and that the demons had been quieted for the time being. He quietly went back to crying himself to sleep.

~Ravings of a Madman

April 7th 2017,

And he was hurt, afraid, and sad. But, this was his life and he was trying to live it. Lost in a crowded room, everyone's friend and yet no ones. He obsessed about his pain, but let no one in. who could he trust. those he wanted to do not want to or couldn't understand. Those that wanted to, he wasn't ready to share with. His life was a mockery of regrets, falsehoods, and personal shame. He moved through his life, sick of the lie that he was OK, but people don't want to hear that. People do not want to hear about sadness and pain. People don't know how to respond to it. He just would like for people to listen, maybe not to understand. Just so he can verbalize the hurt and let it free into the universe. Break the chains that hold him and paralyze him, keep him up swearing and screaming into his pillow most every night. But, he was alone that was his life, and as usual he was used to it.

~Ravings of a Madman

April 22nd 2017,

And, he was still here. The daily fights with himself were still the same. But, he had come to realize those people who were afraid of him. We’re not afraid of him as he had always thought, but the pain and sorrow that was etched across his soul. For they saw their own hidden pain in his eyes. Maybe they were afraid because they didn't understand, or maybe they were afraid because somehow, they sensed he did.

~Ravings of a Madman

April 28th 2017,

And, He was broken. But, he was aware of it. He had been for a long time. In a sense, he had come to terms with it. But he felt no love for anyone, not even himself. He was one of the nicest, sweetest all around good people he knew, and he hated himself for it. He hated what it allowed people to think of him. He both wished he could and feared letting the anger out. he would reenact the constant fight in his head, to remind himself about what really matters. Family and friends. But, as with all great internal struggles. He feared a tipping point. He lived in almost constant dread he would lose the battle for control, and just start screaming incoherently at anyone or anything that crossed his path or worse. He found such profound sorrow in the fact

he has never met a potential companion that would inspire him. To Make him want to be a better person, or challenge him to try harder. Never found someone who he could care for so much he would give parts of his life up for them if needed. He had never found someone who he would want to share parts of his life with them. As he sees time unending march forward, forty years of this particular existence tick slowly by to meet him. All he can muster up the strength to do. Is push on, and maintain, he shakes his head as he thinks about it, but all he can do is hope.......Just hope.

~Ravings of a Madman

April 30th 2017,

And, he was afraid. Afraid to die alone. Afraid that his life would mean nothing, and no one would care when he was gone. That he would be forgotten, not even a foot note. less than nothing. He tried to not dwell on these thoughts, but they overwhelmed him. the things he has seen and heard, both real and maybe imagined. It haunted him, drove his mind in horrible directions. How much was real, how much was not. Where was the line. His life was a mockery, a sham, a pretense of reality. He had faced the Grim Reaper once and it had changed his life. He didn't know if he could, or feared seeing him again. To survive a strike for the reapers scythe once is fate, and he did not want to tempt it again.

~Ravings of a Madman

May 6th 2017,

And he was so fucked up be would laugh at himself. If he wasn't so busy crying.

~Ravings of a Madman

May 13th 2017,

Depression is like being adrift in the ocean with no boat. The majority of the time, things are calm and your able to keep you had above water but, then the waves come. Sometimes there small and you can just ride them with little to no problem. Sometimes there massive and you can't tell which direction is which. You struggle to hold yourself above water but, your drowning. The harder you fight the worse it seems. You desperately search for something solid to hold onto. Any sign that you’re not alone and lost. As you get older riding out these storms do not get easier. But, they become more manageable. You still feel alone but, you learn to accept your loneliness.

~Ravings of a Madman

May 21st 2017,

And, he was happy. and living in terror. Because, the few moments in his life where he had found happiness. Had been followed by horrible pain or loss. He couldn't even wrap his mind around it, or refused to. Happiness lead to pain, lead to regret, and lead to sorrow. He tried to accept it, but was terrified in his acceptance. He tried to understand his own pain, but could not. He had only ever known loss or sorrow. He wanted so badly to find happiness, but simply could not. But, still he moved forward, for to give up was not an option he would accept.

~Ravings of a Madman

May 24th 2017,

And he was feared. It tore him up inside to see and hear the fear from people he has known. But, it was there and there was no escaping it. He would do his best to ignore, rise above, move past it. But, it haunted him. It kept him up at night screaming into his pillow. There was nowhere to turn, no one to really talk to. So, he suffered in silence and tried to maintain his life. He could not find the words in life to say how he felt. And, there was no one he truly trusted. He had people confiding in him, but no one to confide in. He had tried before, but the other person wasn't ready or didn't understand his purpose, but then again, he barely understood himself, so how could he explain it. But, he kept walking. Trying to keep his head held high to hide his pain. Towards whatever end the universe had in store for him. Because, he would not give up....

~Ravings of a Madman

May 26th 2017,

And he hated himself. he didn't feel he was a bad person or even really lacking in anyway. But still his self-hatred would not diminish. He was a coward, a fool, and yet such a beautiful person. He could see his own beauty, but doubted it. He had helped so many people in small ways, listening to their sorrow, their pain, their fears, their past. Which he knew meant a lot to many of them, for it's always the small things that matter the most. But, still he hated himself. Hated his weaknesses. Hated the fact that he cared. Life would be so much easier if I didn't understand and didn't care he's say to himself like a mantra. But, despite his misgivings, he did care, Because, even though it drove him to near madness as to why. He would not stop, even though it picked away at his very tenuous grip on sanity. He would be for other people what no one was for him. Someone to turn to, someone to listen, someone who cared. Because he knew how much it meant, and how hard it was to go it alone.

~Ravings of a Madman

May 28th 2017,

And, he was still here. he refused to be anywhere else. He refused to give in or up. His life had taken him in so many terrible directions. It had only ever lead him to hurt. But, he would maintain, carry on, walk forward.

He would spit in God's eye if he ever met him. you want me to learn, or are preparing me for something. WHAT! What can you possibly be preparing me for that results in me always feeling or being alone.

What past transgression or hurt did I inflict to cause you to make me suffer this way. I have lived a good and honest life for so many years. I have helped those I see who are in pain. What more must I do, why should I always be the decent one. Why should I always do the right thing.

No one seems to care, he says even though he knows some do. How can I become complete, why can't I find true joy? Why must I always suffer, He continues to cry quietly to himself. But he realizes there are no answers. God if he exists doesn't care.

And, yet he tries to hold his head high, he tries to hide his pain and sorrow. No one will understand, because even he didn't fully understand. So, he walked forward. One foot in front of the other because he refused to entertain any other option.

~Ravings of a Madman

June 25th 2017,

Life is strange, so strange in fact that what we want, and what we need often becomes blurred. many times, we'll get what we want and later learn it's not what we need. Many times, we'll get what we need, but not really want it. The hardest part is to learn to tell which is which and to learn to understand it all, but I guess that's life.

~Ravings of a Madman

By Wil R.P. McCarthy

From: United States

Website: https://ravingsofamadman96.wordpress.com