A World Turned Back To Cinders

This story is an excerpt from John Graham's novel "Running As Fast As I Can".

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A world turned back to cinders

We spent most of our afternoons lying together in the Starlight Motel on the north side of campus. We made love, passionate, deep, caring love like I never felt before. Afterward we would lay there, holding each other, and talking like we did in college, as if the past four years never happened, as if she never got married. I told her all about how I wanted to make a difference with kids like Daquan, and even guys like James. She said she always knew I would be a great counselor. I even told her about my family—something I never could do before. She cried, especially when I told her about my mother and how much I missed having her there for me when I grew up. She held me closer when I told her about my father and how much I wanted to be different with my own kids someday. We made love again.

I never told her about Pastor Duncan.

Elizabeth talked about teaching school. It was much harder than she thought it would be. She liked the drama class she was taking now, and she thought she might do some acting, maybe even get involved with a local theater company.

But her conversations always came back to Robert, and every time they did, I always stopped her. “Not here, not now,” I would say, pressing my finger gently on her lips. I sensed she didn’t understand why I hated to hear his name, especially when she was in my bed.

As the weeks passed, I quit even pretending to go to class. I still planned to graduate and be a counselor. I was sure of that. It would just take longer now. That’s all. Elizabeth had to know I dropped out of school. But she didn’t ask and we didn’t talk about it. All I wanted to talk about was us. As long as I was with her, as long as she was laying naked in my arms, that was all I cared about.

***

I couldn’t live in that motel room forever. I had responsibilities. Eventually I had to tell Sister Rose my degree would take a little longer than I thought. I hoped that wouldn’t affect my new job, but I tried not to think about it. I was more worried about talking with Ruthie. I didn’t want to hurt her. I really cared for her. But I had no choice. Ruthie knows I once loved Elizabeth. When she came back, I realized I still loved her. Ruthie will understand. I tried to steel my nerves. But I knew she’d never understand. I hated what I had to do to her.

“I’ll wait for you, Daniel,” she cried out. I thought she sounded so broken, so desperate, like a wounded defenseless animal. I felt all the worse for hurting her. “If you need time, if you need to get her out of your system…. I love you, Daniel.”

She wept and wept until she had no more tears. Her body shook as she tried to catch her breath. I wanted desperately to hold her, to comfort her. I was even tempted to say it would be okay, that I wouldn’t leave her. I knew she wanted to hear me say that. But I couldn’t do it. It was a lie. And I couldn’t lie to her anymore. I had no choice. I loved Elizabeth.

Two days later Ruthie quit St. Augustine’s. They said she was going to Chicago to help her ailing grandmother. But I knew the truth, and I hated myself all the more for hurting her. After that I tried to keep busy with my work, but I knew I was only going through the motions. Finally Sister Rose called me into her office.

“Daniel, I haven’t seen much of you lately. Even when you’re here, it seems you really aren’t here. I don’t know where your head has been, but I know it hasn’t been with your boys. Now tell me, what’s going on?”

“I guess I’ve been distracted, with Ruthie, I mean.”

“I’m very sorry she left us. She said it was her grandmother, but I think it was something more. But that’s none of my business. What is my business is that I’ve spent months developing this new counseling program and it all depends on you. You still graduate in August, don’t you?”

“Like I said, Sister, I’ve been so distracted with Ruthie.” I hated lying to her, but I knew she’d never understand my relationship with Elizabeth.

“Daniel, your personal life is your business, as long as it doesn’t affect your work here at St. Augustine’s. But based on what I’ve seen lately, it’s clearly been a detriment. Now I need to know the status of your degree.”

“That’s the problem, Sister.” I could feel the blood rush to my face. “I had some trouble with a couple classes and it looks like it might take a little longer. I’m sorry, but it couldn’t be helped.”

“I’m afraid that puts me in a very difficult position. We have to move on, Daniel, with or without you. I’m sorry, but the board has too much invested in this program to delay it any longer. We’ll just have to find someone else.”

I could feel the air drain from my lungs. I was crushed. I wanted to ask for a second chance. I wanted to tell her I would work extra hard in the fall to get my degree completed. But I didn’t say anything. I was actually glad she made this decision for me. With Elizabeth back in my life, I was ready to move on. St. Augustine’s had too many memories of Ruthie.

“Do you want my resignation now?” I asked.

“Give me until the end of the summer. It will take some time to find someone suitable for your cottage. Can you do that?”

“I will, Sister, and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“So am I, Daniel. So am I.”

***

The next afternoon, when Elizabeth and I were lying together again in our motel room, I told her what happened with Sister Rose.

“It’s actually a good thing. I made a commitment to stay here two years, and I did. I learned a lot, but now it’s time to move on. I was thinking about going back to San Francisco. Elijah could really use my help at the Mission, and I won’t need that damned degree either.”

I got more excited as I spoke. I jumped out of the bed and paced the room.

“I want you to go with me, Elizabeth. It’ll be like a romantic adventure. You’ll love Elijah. He’s the Mission director who helped me get over James’ death. You remember James, don’t you? He was like a kid brother to me.”

My excitement now consumed me. I couldn’t stop talking about our new life together.

“Have you ever been to San Francisco? I know you’d love living there. It’s the most beautiful city in the world. I could even show you James’ Painted Ladies. You remember the houses I told you about, the ones James loved so much? Remember how we spread his ashes in the wind so he could live there forever? You’ll love San Francisco. I know you will.”

I was so excited I couldn’t stop talking. The more I talked, the more I paced the room. And the more I paced, the louder and faster I talked.

“This is what we both have been waiting four years to do. To be together, to have an adventure together. How long do you think it’ll take you to get ready? I gave Sister Rose a month’s notice. But if you want to leave sooner, we can make it work. God, I’m so excited about all this. I love you so much, Elizabeth.”

I stood there now, in the middle of the motel room in nothing but my undershorts, looking at her, expecting her to be as excited as I was about our new life together. This was something we both wanted. At first she looked serious, even worried. Then she smiled like she often did when I teased her.

“You’re so funny when you’re excited, Daniel. You were always so serious in college. I’m glad you can kid me like this now. That’s why I love our times together. You make me feel so good when I’m with you.”

I stared at her.

“I’m not kidding. I mean it. I quit my job. I’m leaving Ohio and I want you to go with me. I love you, and I know you love me.”

“I do love you too, but you can’t be serious. I can’t just leave everything and go with you. I’m married to Robert.”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard.

“Elizabeth. Think about what you’re saying.” My voice grew louder. “You’re no more married than I am. Sure you’ve got a document that says you are, but you’re in my bed. I left Ruthie because I love you. You can leave Robert because you love me!”

“Oh Daniel.” She looked at me now like she did on her porch four years ago. “I’ve got a life here with Robert. I can’t just go all over the country. What kind of life is that?”

“What kind of life do you have now with Robert? Are you happy? Be honest, just for once. Are you really happy?”

“I’m happy with you the way it is now. We don’t need to change anything. You can get another job. There are plenty of jobs in Cleveland. But I need you to stay here, with me.”

“What you mean is you want to keep your house and your car and your status with Robert while you have me as your afternoon toy. What am I, some sort of whore? Tell me the truth. Is that all I am to you? Because if it is, then I’m leaving. I swear, I’ll leave.”

“Daniel, I love you, but you’re hurting me now with all your threats. Please, just come back to bed with me. I know it’s been hard for you at work, and I know your classes have upset you. But don’t take it out on me. Let me hold you until you feel better.”

She opened her arms and waited for me to come to her. I didn’t move. She looked worried. “You’re not actually serious, are you, Daniel? I mean…”

“I’m dead serious, and I damn sure am not coming back to bed with you, not until you tell me you’re going with me. I mean it.” I was calm now, even cold, as I spoke. She looked frightened.

“Don’t make me choose. I can’t. I love you, but I can’t leave Robert. I just can’t. That would be wrong.”

“What we’ve been doing every afternoon has been wrong. What I did to Ruthie was wrong. I’m asking you to make it right and go with me. Enough lying from both of us. Let’s be honest with each other just once. I gave up everything and everyone I care about just for you. Now I’m leaving Ohio. I love you. I want you to go with me. That’s as honest as I can be. Now you decide.”

I grabbed my clothes. I wanted her to know I wasn’t backing down. Not now. Not ever. No more lies!

“I can’t, Daniel. I just can’t.” She cried softly, like she did when we first met at the student union.

“Then I’m done with you, Elizabeth. I’m done!” I opened the door and walked out, leaving her laying on the bed, naked and alone.

“Daniel, don’t leave me. I love you. I need you. Please don’t leave me!”

I didn’t look back at her. I knew if I did, she would pull me back. I couldn’t do that anymore. There was no more life left in me. She had taken it all.

By John Graham

From: United States

Website: http://johndavidgraham.com