A page in the diary of a sinner

 Hey buddy,

Just passing by to confess something.

By the way, you know that I am in the midst of pressure prior to my first year law exams. Funnily enough, the preparation and revision are not going as planned…yeah, you know my mind is still disturbed by these two gentlemen.

Nonetheless, today (tonight actually) we have a new element adding up to my anxiety…precisely related to my awkward, highly (visible) sexual energy…dad’s behaviour.

As he is slowly transitioning into old age, dad has learnt how to use the internet, basically to get acquainted to local news and hotly debated political issues. However, for some days, I had been noticing that he was busy reading some kind of story or blog in English. While I jokingly teased him from time to time for returning back to those old college days, reading English like a child (since most of his life was devoted to speaking French at work), I never took the time to actually listen to what he was reading aloud. Then that fatal day occurred when I figured out that what he was actually reading was an absolutely detailed sexual performance between the characters of the story.

Confronted to that eventuality, I did not know whether to cringe, to explicitly tell him to stop reading those things or simply dismiss the issue over some minor remark about not reading aloud. I honestly was conflicted after having opted for the last option, in addition of saying, “I know very well what you are reading about”, while he did not seem to have understood my reaction.

As I am writing to you, I started to feel more and more insecure and increasingly awkward at the fact that my dad still had interest in erotic content. For sure, that was not the first time that I knew about that…since I had been mischievously watching his movies alone at home, reading his books or magazines as a kid…But, as I am growing older, I am feeling more uneasy in associating my parents to sexuality. Not only because they had never overtly made us comfortable on the issue but also because basically, we daughters share a relationship based on “submission” and “fear” with elders.

Coming to that point, I also countlessly made ‘disturbing and disgusting’ ‘erotic’ nightmares featuring my parents, thus also clinching the fact that I was also very connected (wrongly) to ideas about sexuality. However, I never questioned myself about the origins of my initially hyper (sexual) energy…until now.

I slowly realised, after tonight’s ‘discovery’ that maybe, just maybe, it was the result of genetics; precisely dad’s interest in those things.

Look, I am not positing that dad had an overly sexual energy since I was not here to testify that! But, think about it buddy, for someone who will be entering his sixties and still displays (albeit, very openly, maybe unknowingly shamelessly) ‘that’ level of interest makes me think more about my state. Am I a sexual monster to myself as a result of dad’s genes?

I’d never tell that to anyone since I assume that a layperson would conclude that I am the pervert daughter of a perverted man. But I honestly believe that this energy can be cured somehow…I want to be a regular person, not one who has an overflow of sexual energy, thus somehow causing me to act like a promiscuous person! For so many people who have told me that I had this ‘energy’, I can now alarmingly say that I present a danger to myself, my future, my present and future bonds with other people, not withstanding my own family members.

I really want to cure that addiction, now that I have seemingly found the ‘origins’ of it. Buddy, I pray that this can be done in the near future and that a balance of energies can occur in my life, once and for all. I am feeling scared, extremely scared from this conclusion…not excluding a high degree of shame, disgust, uneasiness and guilt of having basically gone beyond bound of extreme profanity.

The scream for help is here, but somehow, the devil in me still reigns over my mind…and my lust.

By Anonymous