Lack of Belonging

Since a child I’ve had great difficulty understanding the emotions of others. Enigmatic, the ups and downs of the average person. Looking back, who I misunderstood the most was my older brother. Our interests drastically different our entire lives. I’d constantly accuse him of fake laughing. The things he found amusing seemed impossible in my eyes as something that could even come across as entertaining. I figured he was either humoring me or others when laughing or chuckling and I’d get confrontational and furious. I’d accuse him of faking the amusement. Tell him it wasn’t necessary. I was just ignorant of the difference in interests. I was ignorant to why it amused him, but he was amused.

To this day, when someone raises their voice or speaks in an aggressive tone I’m not aware whether they’re angry or simply loud. Gauging what people feel is confounding beyond further expression. I don’t know how to approach some. I don’t know what angers or saddens others. Simply being asked a question is the trigger for some people. I’m not entirely sure why.

There’s never been a moment that I felt I belonged due to these things. My own family assured me I was an undesired outcast the entirety of my life. It turned me into an overachiever in search of a place to fit. Yet, I’ve always been faced with the same things. Even when the illusion is of success and admiration the lingering sensation that I don’t understand anyone around me and they don’t understand me remains. And I work harder to find my place among the weirdos and freaks, only to realize I’m too strange and different for the mold. The recurring patterns. Emotions in the way. Never know what people feel. Never will. I come across cold when I don’t mean to. Hostile, but I don’t mean to. Insensitive, but I don’t mean to.

Ironically, the person with the most sympathy for me is my older brother. Although, fully aware he doesn’t understand me the slightest bit and I don’t understand him, he doesn’t hold it against me. We understand without understanding. I appreciate the small things.