The cause of my depression is me. Because I’m an idiot and continue to delude myself into believing the people around me are something other than who and what they are. And I seem to be quite the jackass for how rational I pretend to be.
Overestimation of family and friends seems to be my strong suit.
Self-deception leads me to believe my family can change from being the twisted emotional monstrosities they seem to be. Atrocious acts, yet somehow they reappear by my side until the next heinous even occurs by their hands.
Assumptions are always wrong and mine tend to focus on the closeness of friends. Of which I don’t have many, but the ones do claim to have I’m wrong about in some aspect. I’m always reminded that I see these people closer than they see me. And that’s truly my fault, I don’t blame it on anyone other than myself. It is a failure to read the relationship accurately and that’s on no one other than me.
Every day, without fail, I find that I’m convinced someone will support me. But I’m highly delusional. It’s my mind playing tricks on me. Twisting and turning what is actually occurring. The truth behind the matter is that each person simply wants to live their lives. And my overestimation of things is the cause of quite some distress in the lives of these people. Expectations from those who owe me nothing push them away. Being alone is the result each time.
Out of pity for my lacking sanity many of these people humor my rambles and stupid plans, sometimes even joining in at the cost of their own freedom and happiness. And because of me, not only are they feeling trapped to keep a smile on my face, but it comes with feeling trapped myself, because it feels like they’re being fake. Even if it is for the right reasons I see where I stand.
And it feels like there is no escaping this. I’ll always be nothing to everyone because I am no one to start with. It’s quite lonely, but I remain delusional and fall for my powerful mind’s bullshit on a regular basis. On a daily basis. And I tell myself I have close family and friends, but then I look around.
The truth is hard to hide when it’s so obvious and loud desperate thoughts are not easy to quiet.
Not all tunnels have a light at the end. This tunnel has a downhill slope.
It feels awful all the time, but I’m not the most emotional of people. I don’t actually know how to deal with these emotions, how to quiet my thoughts. And worst of all, I can only process them by verbalizing them, but then I look around.
There’s not once been a moment in which I’ve chosen to bottle anything up. I’ve simply had no option, because people look and hear, but they don’t see and listen. And they don’t have to. No one is obligated to do a thing. I am the one at fault. I am the one warping the facts to feel like less of a loser.
But as usual, I look around.