The Coach Party

Mobile phone addicts travel on a phone-free coach tour to the coast

————

Jasmine loved the kitchen's colour scheme. Cream and white. It attracted light into the room and gave a feel of expanse. She had chosen the colours herself.

Alan was sitting at the kitchen table. A slice of half eaten toast on a plate lay before him. He hadn't replaced the lid on the marmalade. In his left hand, as usual, he held his mobile phone.

Jasmine sat beside him at the table. She picked a slice of toast from the rack and spread marmalade on it.

"Who is it?" she asked.

"Mark."

"Mark your general manager?"

"Just a few instructions."

Jasmine dropped her toast onto the dish. "You're turning into a bore, Alan!"

He laughed. "You're being ridiculous."

"Me, ridicous?" Jasmine could hear her own voice rising. "We go out, you take your phone. We stay in, you're using your phone all night."

"It's my job" he explained.

"For God's sake, you're on holiday!"

"Holiday's tomorrow."

"You can't see it, can you?" Jasmine said, exasperated. "This holiday is your last chance - OUR last chance!"

Alan pressed send and placed his phone on the table. "What do you mean?"

"We never talk anymore."

Alan gave a shrug. "We're talking now."

"This isn't talking, this is arguing. All we ever do is argue."

"You're being silly now."

"If things between us don't improve, Alan," Jasmine said seriously, "I'm calling everything off!"

Alan shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Everything?"

"Yes, everything. The engagement. The wedding. Everything."

Alan tried to take her hand in his, but she shrugged him away.

"This holiday," she said, matter of factly, "There will be no mobile phones."

Silence for a moment while Alan took this in. Then he asked, "How do we book ahead? A restaurant?"

"The old way. We talk to people."

"What about Mark?"

"I don't suppose you've noticed but Marks not coming with us."

"Mark needs me," Alan said, almost pleading.

"The last time I looked," said Jasmine, "It's me you're marrying. Not Mark."

Alans's phone chimed.

"Don't answer it!"

Alan pushed his phone away. "Okay," he said.

"Okay what?"

"No mobile phone on the holiday." Alan suddenly sounded small.

"Really?" This time she allowed him to hold her hand.

Alan said, "Really."

_________________

Albert Hall sat in the GP's surgery while doctor typed notes into the computer console on his desk. The doctor then picked up a sheaf of notes and turned in his swivel chair to confront Albert. "I have the psychologist report, Albert," he began. "You're suffering from psychotic, pathological, obsessive, compulsive addiction to your mobile phone."

"I'm not suffering," Albert protested.

"Yes you are suffering, Albert," The doctor replaced the notes on his desk and clasped his hands together. "You don't eat healthily. You never wash. You never go out, and you have no friends."

Albert thought about this then said, "I do have friends."

"Who are your friends?"

Albert squinted, trying to recall names. "Hubbleguy," he said. "Dorylass, Tipsynipsy."

"People in a chat room. You need to go out, meet people in a real life setting."

"And do what?"

"And make friends, Albert. "Talk to them."

"I'm not hurting anyone."

"Oh, but you are, Albert. Remember the schoolboy you knocked off his bicycle because you were using your phone and not looking where you were going?"

"No."

The doctor gave an exasperated sigh. "No, I suppose you don't, but what about the three people who died in the car accident you caused while crossing the road?"

"No."

"Albert, do you remember anything of the schoolchildren on the bus that swerved to avoid you and went over the cliff at Bridlington?"

"Wasn't my fault."

"Yes it was, the doctor shouted. "You were in the middle of the road!"

"Oh aye," Albert confirmed.

The doctor calmed down, leaning forward to close the space between himself and Albert. "I'm referring you to Mencap," he said. "There's a local group who organise mobile phone free holidays to the coast. I'm sending you on one."

"Mobile phone free?" Albert sounded confused.

"No mobile phone, Albert. You see it's not just yourself you're hurting, but you are killing others!"

"Okay," said Albert. "But then I get my mobile phone back?"

The doctor gave a smile of relief and said, "We'll see."

_________________

April May struggled along the pavement dragging the two travel cases behind her. One was hers. The other belonged to her grandfather, Horace.

"Hurry up, grandad," she called. "Bus leaves in half hour."

"bus cos way, our april, arm'm thwaite barn hey up more. " her grandad replied, doing his best to remain incomprehensible as possible.

"Why talk like that," April asked. "You do it on purpose to wind folk up."

"ey up folk? un ar an thas cah, arm'm a yorkhire blake, proud t'an thwaite winding up anyone. "

"You're doing it on purpose!".

"arm'm thwaite doing owt, erstwhile thahsen an haul them bags. "

They turned a corner into the bus depot. The coach was waiting, as were a gaggle of folk waiting by the doors. Some greeted April and her grandad. April's grandad said, "hey up arm'm from yorkshire arm'm ninety seven an still fit as a butcher's dog, thas ken? "

At that moment a smart looking woman arrived. She wore a blue skirt suit and cream frilled shirt. On her head she wore a Bluetooth hands-free telephone, She was saying, "... yes that's right. Everyone is here. I don't see any problem. Any questions?"

With no further Bluetooth business she turned to the holidaymakers and said with a well rehearsed smile, "Hi guys! I'm your tour guide, Pearl Smirk. In a moment we'll be leaving for Great Yarmouth. Any questions?"

April May raised her hand. "My gramps is ninety-seven and my need the toilet a lot."

Horace elaborated, "hey up arm have thahsen piss all day cos't help arm'm old".

Miss Smirk's smile faded, and she said, as if restraining herself, "Does he always talk like that? There's a WC on the bus for those of you who feel the need to piss all day. Now, if you'll board the bus we'll be on our way."

The doors swept open and everyone clambered aboard. Pearl Smirk stood by the driver and, waving her hand, said, "You might wish to sit closer to each other. Don't forget this is a mobile phone free holiday and talking as a group will give you practice of talking to real people."

Alan Key stood and asked, "But what if I need to contact work?"

"You are on holiday, sir," Pearl replied, her mouth taught with irritation. Then she relaxed and the smile returned. "This holiday is funded by Mencap, but please do not forget that if anyone is seen using a mobile phone they will be billed the full cost of the weekend."

"arm won't touchin' cloth a mobile phone thas ken, arm'll thahsen sleeping most thahsen t'time." said Horace.

April nudged him angrily, "Be quiet, gramps."

"Cah thas needn't nudge arm scrapped un two world wars"

The bus pulled out of the depot and began it's journey to the coast.

_________________

Somewhere in darkest Sleaford.

Three men sat around a table in a dimly lit room. The room was empty save for the three men, the chairs they were sitting on, and the table. The men looked swarthy. Close cropped hair and unshaven. Each was sneering. They were obviously bad men with evil intent. That was evident by their sneer. Had they been good men, they would have been smiling. Good men smile a lot. Bad men sneer.

"Ron and Sid," said the first man. "The bomb is assembled and in the back of the van. We must take it to Stansted Airport where Harry will load it aboard the passenger aircraft with the luggage."

"Should we synchronise watches, Bert?" Sid asked.

Bert shook his hands with frustration. "No, no! You always do this, Sid. It is not James bond, we are REAL heroes!"

"I like that," said Sid.

"Like what?" asked Ron.

"Being a hero."

Bert interjected angrily. "Oh, shut up, you dolts! The flight is due to leave in five hours! Now we must transport the bomb to Stansted."

"What about the detonator?" Ron asked.

"Bert took a Rennie. His indigestion was flaring again. "I'll leave that, as planned, at the Ship Inn at Fosdyke Bridge. Guillaume will collect it from the table I leave it on. Then he will detonate the bomb when the plane is flying."

"The jet," said Sid, correcting him.

Bert shook his hands again. "Yes! The jet! Now let's GO!"

Ron and Sid nodded, then made to leave the room. Bert suddenly stood from his chair, another Rennie in his mouth. "And do not break the speed limit. If the police stop us they'll find the bomb!"

"I'll drive safely," said Ron.

"You're not driving," Sid shouted. "I am!"

Ron's sneer changed to a hurt look. "I thought I was driving?"

Bert shouted, "Just go will you?"

The three drove South East on the A17 to Fosdyke Bridge. They pulled into the courtyard of the Ship Inn and, taking the mobile phone detonator from his bag, Bert placed it carefully on a picnic table outside the pub. Climbing back into the van, they continued towards Kings Lynn where they would then turn South to Cambridge, the M11 and Stansted. Guillaume would collect the mobile phone detonator.

_________________

The coach turned off the A1 at Newark and joined the A17 south toward Norwich. This would be the longest part of the journey and would take several hours. April May was reading a celebrity gossip magazine. Her Grandfather, Horace, meanwhile was snoring loudly. Jasmine Rice and Alan Key, though sitting together, had turned away from each other in their seats. Albert Hall was clutching his hands together tightly and gnawing at the flesh of his inner lip. He knew that he needed a mobile phone, so he could contact all of his online friends, both of them, on Twitter, Facebook or Whatsapp. He also knew that if he didn't play Crush Candy soon he would die before the sun went down.

Pearl Smirk stood from her seat and, pointing at the RAF College, Cranwell, as the coach drove past, informed the party that was where they trained RAF officers. She was disappointed that nobody looked. She then told everybody the coach would stop before reaching Kings Lynn so that everyone could enjoy a sandwich and a soft drink. An hour later the coach pulled into the courtyard of the Ship Inn at Fosdyke Bridge. The party left the coach and filed into the pub.

Albert Hall straggled behind the others but suddenly stopped when he saw the mobile phone lying on the empty picnic table. Clearly nobody wanted it, he realised, smiling to himself. Now, he thought, there was no longer any reason to die before sunset. Albert gingerly picked up the mobile phone and secreted it in his jacket pocket.

_________________

The van had just passed Kings Lynn and was heading South to Cambridge when Bert answered a call on his mobile phone. "Not there? What do you mean it's not there?"

"What's not there?" Ron asked.

"The mobile phone."

"It's not there?"

"Look, shut up! Let me talk to Guillaume." Bert fished in his pocket for another Rennie. He took three.

"Right," he continued. "Where do you think it is? ... a coach party? What coach party? .. I KNOW what a coach party is, but who are they? Are they still there? "

"Who's still there?" asked Sid.

"Shut up and drive!" Bert demanded. He clutched at his chest. The indigestion was getting worse. "They're still there? Okay. Kill them.. what do mean no? Wedding?... what wedding? Sheffield? God's sake, man, we need that detonator!... now there's no need for language like that - even if it is in French! Okay... okay.. calm down. We'll find the bus and get the detonator. Enjoy the wedding. But if you think you're getting paid for this you ca.. What? I didn't understand any of that!"

Bert ended the call then he turned to Sid and said, "Turn around!... no, not in your seat, turn the van around. And take it steady, don't forget there's a bomb in the van!"

"Back where?" Ron asked.

"To Fosdyke. There's a coach party - they've got the detonator."

"The detonator?"

"What are you?" Bert demanded, "my echo?"

Sid slowed the van down, turned it around and began driving back toward Kings Lynn.

_________________

The coach had passed Kings Lynn and was heading toward Norwich on it's journey to the final destination, Great Yarmouth. Pearl Smirk stood from her seat and, facing the passengers, said, "Now we are winding and wending our way through beautifully scenic Norfolk, let's each of us peer out of our window at the gorgeous scenery."

April May continued reading her magazine. Her Grandfather carried on snoring.

Jasmine Rice was feeling sleepy after her lunch and rested her head against her partner's shoulder. Alan Key had put his arm around Jasmine and was rocking her affectionately.

"Nobody looking at the scenery?" Pearl sounded disappointed. "Instead," she said, "Let's bond as a group." Moments passed. "Very good," said Pearl. "The best way to bond with a group is to play games. Games will teach you how to speak to other people. We will play I Spy. This a game where I see something and will announce the first letter of what I saw. Your task is then to guess what I saw from the letter I said. Any questions? No? Good - let's begin."

"I spy," Pearl began, "Something beginning with ... B!"

"Blackberry," Albert Hall suggested.

"It's the wrong time of year for blackberries," Pearl said irritably.

Albert corrected himself, "Blackberry phone."

"Well!" Pearl replied sharply. " I certainly am glad I cannot see a Blackberry phone. This is a mobile phone free weekend." "The correct answer is, of course - BIRD. Though the bird I saw has flown away now."

_________________

Sid halted the van at the junction to the A17. Bert was looking left and right.

"Where's the coach?" asked Ron.

"It might have passed already," Bert suggested.

"Or we could wait here and look for it," Sid offered.

"Or it might have gone North," said Ron.

"Shut up!" shouted Bert, shaking his hands with frustration. His stomach was burning. He reached into his pocket for Rennies, but the packet was empty.

"Let’s go East," said Bert, struggling to calm himself. "Drive as fast as you can," he said to Sid, "without breaking the law or exploding the bomb. And stop only if you see a chemist."

"We need petrol," said Sid.

"Okay," Bert responded. "Stop at a garage, I'll get some Settlers."

"What if we see the coach?" Ron asked.

"We shoot it with our guns," Bert responded.

"What guns?"

"The guns in the box you're sitting on!" Bert wasn't sure if he was having indigestion or a heart attack.

Ron stood up and opened the box he'd been sitting on. Bert investigated the box.

Inside the box were thirty tins of Princes Salmon. "Oh, just great," Bert murmured. "Now what do we do - throw food at the coach?"

"Guns are in the other box," said Ron.

Together, Ron and Bert opened the second box. Inside were three AK47 Kalashnikov rifles, each fitted with a full magazine of live rounds.

"We shoot them with those guns," said Bert, satisfied.

There was a shout from the driver's seat.

Bert rushed forward. "Coach?" he asked.

"Garage," said Sid in reply.

"Good," said Ron. "Can I open a tin of salmon now?"

_________________

The coach passengers were enjoying a sing-song. Pearl Smirk stood by the driver, waving her arms while she and everyone sang.. The wheels on the bus go round and round round and round, round and round The wheels on the bus go round and round - all day long! This soon changed to: Pearl on the bus goes are there any questions are there any questions are there any questions Pearl on the bus goes are there any questions - all day long.

Pearl, who couldn't believe how well she was doing - everyone was joining in, decided they should sing a different song. She began with... One man went to mow, went to mow a meadow... Horace joined in with: "un blake went thahsen mow, went thahsen mow a meadow - un blake an his dog, spot, a sausage roll an a bottle thahsen pop, went thahsen mow a meadow.

"Pearl crept forward to April May's seat and asked, "Why does he talk like that?"

Albert Hall sang along, but had his hand in his pocket, stroking the sexual smoothness of the mobile phone he had pocketed at Fosdyke. Just one game of Crush Candy, he kept thinking. It was like an itch he needed to scratch. Just one game before the sun went down, or he knew he would have to die.

_________________

Bert had filled the van's tank with petrol and was waiting for Sid and Ron to complete their shopping. "Come on!" he demanded, “We haven't got all day." Ron and Sid joined him at the checkout. Sid carried ten packets of potato crisps. Ron had three large sausage rolls and a can of Fanta.

Bert rolled his eyes, then paid for the petrol and shopping.

A sudden cry: "Coach!" Ron was pointing at the window. "It's just gone by," he said urgently to Bert. "

"We'd better hurry then." Bert led them back to the van and they clambered inside.

"What do we do?" Sid asked.

"Shoot them," Bert demanded.

Ron sat in the driver's seat. He started the engine, then opened a sausage roll and began driving.

"Let's get the weapons," said Bert. He and Sid opened the box and picked out a Kalashnikov each. After checking the magazines were fitted, they flipped off the safety catch. They opened a window on either side of the van and leaned out and they took aim.

_________________

The group of passengers had changed seats and were sitting closer together. Their bodies swayed from left to right as Pearl Smirk sang to them. "We are sailing. We are sailing!"

The rear window of the coach shattered, and Pearl felt something whine past her ear.

She stopped singing. Everyone else stared at the shattered window. The seat on Pearl's right exploded in a cloud of dust and fluffy seat filling, leaving a ragged tuft.

"Someone's shooting at us," she said, her voice trembling.

Faces snapped around to look at her.

"Someone's shooting at us!" she shouted. "Lie on the floor!"

Everyone left their seat and lay on the floor.

Everyone, that is, except Albert Hall, who had taken the mobile phone from his pocket. He knew he must die if he did not play Crush Candy. And now it was happening. He turned the phone on. It requested a sim code. Albert typed 1234. He knew that number sequence was used as a sim code by everybody. It was easiest to remember.

The mobile phone activated.

Pearl had crawled to the rear of the coach and peered out of the broken window.

The coach was being followed by a white van and, from the windows of the van, two men were leaning out and taking pot-shots with a gun. Pearl saw a muzzle flash and a bullet splintered into the roof of the coach. She turned to the passengers and explained, "Someone's shooting at us. Any questions?"

Albert Hall smiled when he saw the Crush Candy app icon. He was not going to die after all. He pressed the icon.

There was a huge explosion, and a wave of pink Salmon burst into the coach through the shattered rear window.

The white van that had been following was now torn and burning wreckage. From it billowed a cloud of dark smoke.

Pearl explained, "They blew up. Any questions?"

Later, the coach pulled into a service area. Pearl led everyone from the coach and into the cafe.

Albert Hall followed them. On the way, he saw a litter bin. Removing the mobile phone from his pocket, he threw it into the bin.

He vowed that he would never play Crush Candy again. Not if it made things blow up.

By Richard Prime

From: United Kingdom

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