I am waiting for a day when I will be going up on stage fighting my social anxiety and stage fright, and leaving people in awe. Well, honestly that never happens. There is always this suffocating fear that holds me back, pulling on my hands, legs and tongue, dragging me towards itself. And it’s not that I have never tried fighting it. Whenever I get up to face the giant in the ring, it’s always bigger than before.

The giant knocked me down cold in the first round. When I regained consciousness, I looked at its face. It refused to give up. I was astonished. The lines on its forehead mirrored mine. The dark under its eyes was a lot like mine, but only darker. Perhaps it had fought many similar fights or even wars. It had my eyes, my lips. It was all me. But its hands were different. Why ? How can I be fighting against myself ? But I am. Right?  If this giant is anything like me, then I know its weaknesses and its strengths.

So for the second round I refused to accept defeat. I punched the giant in the face, hard, and the next thing I know is that it was bleeding out of its gums. It couldn’t speak. I kicked the giant on its chest, its heartbeat got faster in the same way when I go up on the stage. It couldn’t breathe just like when I am in a group and asked to give an opinion. I could see the blackout in its eyes which resembled to mine when I am trying to talk to a stranger.

The giant was on the floor this time. And the round was over. “Good for him”, I thought to myself and smiled. The giant pulled itself together and got up once again. He’s really courageous, I must say. I leaned and got closer to its ear and whispered, “ You should just give up, its no use fighting”. He looked me in the eye, an emotion flashing that I couldn’t really decipher.

The next round started and I ran towards it with all my energy pouring in for this moment. This time the giant tackled me with its hands. Something was really weird about its hands. I saw him writing with that strong hand the other day. I couldn’t free myself from its grip. It  then kept punching me until I was unconscious. I shouldn’t have underestimated it.

At last, I, the giant won the fight. Yes, the giant was actually the one which was fighting my battle and not the one it was fighting with. It was fighting its own self which was cowered with social anxiety.

There is a giant in everyone. You see, the giant was actually the one who had more strength but it is usually made to feel powerless by the people surrounded. Find the giant within you. Its right there, and the voice that that tells you that you cannot achieve a certain aim, use the giant to knock it right off. Its your choice to help the giant within you or the cowered languid voice that limits your strengths and successes.

 

By Mohini Awasthi

Website: http://mohini19blog.wordpress.com

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