080/365

It’s lonely to know, regardless of how many ways I express the inner working of my mind, I’ll remain alone in my head. And there seems to be no real way through this. No real way to deal with it.

I’m stuck in this perpetual limbo of trying to be understood, but being too weird or detached for anyone to cross to my side. And if I try to relate to those around me it comes off as fake or offensive because changing who I am to adapt to other people IS FAKE.

And still I try. I require social interaction to function. I’m highly extroverted. It doesn’t seem to matter, though. I might try and try to connect, to relate, to understand and still get nowhere. No one wants me to relate to them. No one wants me to understand them. They all just want me to say they’re right and agree through nods or some shit and then be on my way.

No one is interested in knowing how my mind works. No one is interesting in understanding why I do things or what makes me tick. And that’s fine, like I said I enjoy interaction, so listening works just at well for me. But it means nothing if no one will speak while I listen. If they rather I don’t pay attention so that there is no chance anything they say turns out wrong.

As a person who struggles with emotion in general, I find all of this extremely difficult to understand. Why creatures who so heavily seek approval and social interaction shy from it when it’s presented at the end of the pursuit. All I get from this is that everyone talks shit until they’re faced with the moment of truth. And then, whatever. Let the rest of the chips fall where they may. Right?

People confuse me. I’m sure they don’t even understand themselves why they do things. Impulse. The other guy did it so I did it to seems to be the way thought turns here.