Phil opened his front door to find his neighbour Sally on his doorstep. She smiled awkwardly and seemed to be in a hurry. They were not the kind of neighbours to call round for a brew and a catch up. Sally would knock on to discuss repairing a fence that the wind had blown down. Phil and his wife Ellen would call on Sally to let her know they were going away and wouldn’t be back for a couple of weeks. If Sally called then she wanted something.

‘Hi love, how’s things?’

‘Yeah, good, thanks. Can I ask a favour?’

‘Of course, what’s up?’

‘I’m expecting a couple of visitors but I’ve got to pop out. If they turn up while I’m gone any chance of taking them in and making them a brew, till I get back? They’ve come a long way.’

The last thing Phil wanted was to invite two random strangers in to his home, but what could he do? Ellen always told him he was too soft. He disagreed. In a situation like that, what was he supposed to do?

‘That’s fine. If I see your visitors I’ll take them in and make them a cuppa.’

‘Thank you so much. I shouldn’t be too long.’

Phil closed the door as Sally dashed away down the path.

‘Who was that?’ Ellen asked.

‘Sally from next door.’

‘What did she want?’

Phil gave a nervous chuckle and explained that he had agreed to entertain two visitors until Sally got back.

‘Really? I can’t believe you agreed to that.’

‘How could I not?’

‘So we’re going to let two randoms into our home for goodness knows how long?’

‘Ellen, they’re not randoms. They are friends of Sally’s, and secondly, she said she wouldn’t be too long.’

‘Wouldn’t be too long? You know what she’s like. She’ll be chewing the ear off some poor soul about the traffic down the Barton stretch.’

Phil laughed, she might have had a point.

‘And did Sally actually say they were her friends?’

‘What?’

‘Did she use the word friends?’

‘She said they were visitors.’

‘Oh, terrific. They could be anybody.’

‘Chill out, love. They might not even turn up while Sally’s out.’

Ten minutes later they heard a car pull up. Then followed the slam of car doors closing. Phil swore under his breath. Ellen sighed.

‘Your guests have arrived.’ she said.

Phil and Ellen opened the door. They two men standing on the pavement turned to them. They simply stood there, staring at them, their faces were blank, emotionless.

‘Afternoon, lads. Come on in. Sally won’t be too long.’

Ellen managed a smile as they showed the two men into the living room. Phil shot her a glance. They were in their late thirties, but they were dressed like old men. They both wore shirt and ties, under V-neck jumpers. The clothes themselves seemed to date from the 1970s or something. Their ties and shirts had such dated, garish patterns. They looked like extras from an early episode of Columbo.

Paul caught Ellen’s eye, he gestured to their legs. Ellen looked down. She smiled. Their trousers were ridiculously short. At the ankle they showed a good few inches of sock above black slip-on shoes. Then she noticed the socks. Both of them were wearing odd socks.

‘Make yourselves at home.’ Phil said.

One of them perched himself gingerly on the edge of the sofa. The other simply shuffled over to stand by the fireplace.

‘Please,’ Ellen waved, ‘take a seat.’

He looked her directly in the eye.

‘No.’

There was something just wrong about the way he said it. Just no. Not, no thanks, or I’m fine, just no. Phil wondered how Sally knew these two oddballs. Ellen glared at him. He just hoped their neighbour would be as quick as she said.

It felt like such an intrusion, an invasion, to have these two strangers in their home. There were just there in their living room. They did not speak, no chit-chat was offered. They did not look around the room. One standing, the other sitting, both stared straight ahead.

‘I’m sure Sally won’t be too long.’ Ellen said. ‘Mind you, when she gets talking, there’s no stopping her.’

She gave an awkward chuckle. The man standing by the fireplace jerked his head, to look at her. He laughed hysterically, maniacally. Then as suddenly as he’d started, he stopped, returning to his still pose.

She raised her eyebrows at Phil. Just what had they got themselves into? Where was Sally? When she did turn up, Ellen might ask her just what she was thinking. Of all the people to invite into their house, these two were the last guests she would force in someone.

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ asked Phil.

‘Yes, please.’ said the guy on the sofa.

‘And you?’

‘No, thank you very much.’

Ellen mouthed to her husband that she would make the tea. Phil knew her reasoning. It was either make the tea or stay with their guests. She rushed out of the room to put the kettle on.

‘Have you been away this year?’ Phil asked.

‘Away? What do you mean by that?’

‘On holiday.’

‘No.’

‘No,’ the other added. ‘we don’t like going on holiday.’

Phil smiled, nodding. Both men straightened their ties. The simultaneous action was almost synchronised. They were just so very bizarre. The clothing was odd too. It wasn’t that they were formally dressed in shirt, tie and V-neck jumper. It was the fashion of the clothes themselves. It was as though they had set out to dress as someone so much older. They must have deliberately decided to dress from decades earlier. It couldn’t have been easy to come by such old clothing. Items of clothing like that would have to have been intentionally searched for.

Ellen returned with cups of tea. She handed her husband a mug, and gave the sofa guy his brew.

‘Actually,’ said the man by the fireplace, ‘I think I will have that cup of tea.’

Ellen laughed, he must have been joking. You wouldn’t wait until the tea has been made to decide, you did want a brew. His unflinching stare told her he was not joking.

‘Of course.’ she said and returned to the kitchen.

The two men slurped their tea. Phil glanced out the window. Come on, Sally, he whispered. The clock on the fireplace ticked the time away. In the tense quiet the ticking chimed each awkward second.

‘A snack.’ The guy on the sofa declared. ‘I would like a snack.’

Ellen shrugged, why not? It couldn’t make things any worse.

‘Would you like something too?’

‘Yes. I like snacks.’

‘We’ve got some Chinese starter things in the freezer, if you’d like.’ Phil offered.

‘Yes.’ They said in unison.

Phil asked if she needed a hand. Ellen shook her head. Bitch, he mouthed, jealous of her escape from entertaining these two.

Ellen returned with plates of Chinese food. She handed them out. Phil noticed something. They took the plates from Ellen without saying thank you. There was no acknowledgement whatsoever from either of them. Phil munched on the piping hot food. Ellen’s eyes drifted to the window. Where had Sally got to? The man on the sofa took a bite of his food. He tutted in disgust. He spat the mouthful back onto his plate.

‘This spring roll is cold.’ he yelled.

Phil shook his head. He could see the steam rising from the hot food. He’d had just about enough of these two. He did not care if Sally never spoke to them again, these two idiots could wait on the street for her to return.

‘Look, mate, I’ve had just about all I’m going to take.’

‘Do you think I’m odd?’

‘What?’

‘A nasty pasty man said I was odd. I had to smash-smash-smash his face in.’

‘Another cup of tea?’ asked Ellen.

‘I would like a glass of warm tap water.’

Of course you would, Phil thought. Ellen took the finished plates and went back through to the kitchen.

Phil went to the window. He peered out, hoping and praying for Sally to return. He just wanted these two out of his house. Ellen handed the sofa man his glass of warm water. He took a long swig. Perfect, he said.

The man by the fireplace reached into his jumper. He pulled out a meat cleaver. Phil and Ellen gasped. He stared at the gleaming steel blade as though it was talking to him.

At that very moment they heard a car pull up. Phil quickly glanced around. Sally was getting out of her car.

Phil and Ellen rushed for the door. They raced up to Sally in utter panic.

‘Where have you been? Your visitors-’

‘My visitors cancelled. They text me just after I left.’

Phil and Ellen looked at each other, and then looked over their shoulders to the house.

By Chris Platt

From: United Kingdom