Gift giving is the greediest thing we do. We give for only what we get in return. Many times the greed is successfully hidden beneath sheets of conveniently located generosity illusions. Gift giving for Christmas is an example of this. It’s for others, but it’s not. We give gifts on Christmas day because it makes us feel good, not because we care and want to give our loved ones what they need. No, we don’t even know what to give them. We’ll buy what we’re not even sure they’ll like, let alone need. Just for the sake of getting them a thing, because we know what the return is even if we don’t know what the initial reception will look like. We know we’ll feel good about not forgetting to get this person useless shit.

We don’t even want to go to the celebration. We’re there to give our shit out, take the things coming to us, go home, pick out which are useful in our lives or we like best, and figure out which ones to give as a gift to someone else on the following Christmas. The most important thing being that we gave everyone a gift, our reputations as gift givers, whether great or not, are intact and as a result we’re happy and the planet continues to spin on its crooked axis.

It’s always come off as a strange activity to me that we do this. That we have these days picked out so we may bullshit each other for the sake of feeling better. Why not change the dynamic? Why not approach it from an honest angle? What’s wrong with that outlook?

Buy your wife those boots and let her know it’s because you think she looks sexy in them, and that you don’t actually care whether she needs them or not? She still needs them and won’t say no, right? Why do you have to make up this story about how you remember her stepping in a puddle you weren’t around to see or whatever crap you feed her to feel better about yourself? She knows you’re full of shit and doesn’t care.

Get your kid the video game that is rotting their brain, making them antisocial and violent and let them know it’s because it shuts them the fuck up long enough for you to get some peace of mind. Maybe that way they’ll get the message and get their shit together.

Ehh.

My point is, we bullshit ourselves quite some bit on gift giving days. Maybe your wife will give you a blow job if you get her the shoes because you find them sexy and saying it to her face made her feel sexy too and the result of that was her getting a little frisky? I don’t know. Why is the default lying? Why are all our default behaviors riddled in lies and not honesty? Is it inherent to the human condition for us to lie about meaningless things and turn everything into our own personal secret?

By Anthony B. Clover